The Horror Virgin

"Battlefield Earth for Christians.”

This week’s scariest movie is... Constantine. This film has everything: the would-be Nick Fury of the Christian Expanded Universe, John Constantine the Baptist, And your parents’ smug satisfaction. If you love holy brass knuckles, kitty-powered trips to hell, and fake relics with real confidence, this episode's for you!

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Up Next: Mother! (2017)

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“Did you just read me a recipe for snake oil?”

This week's scariest movie is... Exhuma. This film has everything: three foxes in a trench coat, Pavlov’s chicken, And a demon so powerful even an atheist won’t open the coffin. If you love salt-smashing rituals, sweet-fish, and dirt sommeliers, this episode's for you!

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Up Next: Constantine

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“She’s got those like, have you heard the good news eyes.”

This week’s scariest movie is... Saint Maud. This film has everything: Maudie Sue vibes, red-bottom Skechers, And blood-atonement déjà vu. If you love Welsh roach gods, Coney Island confusion, and moon-charged holy water, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Exhuma (2024)

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“He's going to treat you like a chalice.”

This week's scariest movie is... Anaconda. This film has everything: Gingery Anna Jones, Serious Scooby Doo villains, And perfectly wrong movie decisions. If you love eagle-screaming snakes, monkey-blood bait buckets, and butt-powered vertical leaps, this episode's for you!

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Up Next: Saint Maud (2019)

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“There are two chimps inside me.”

This week's scariest movie is... Primate. This film has everything: Mongoose Betrayals, capital-P prison sentences, And hero-chimp eulogies. If you love botched primate Googles, full-Congo speech pads, and Die Hard chimp energy, this episode's for you!

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Up Next: Anaconda (1997)

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“I am ashamed of me being a person.”

This week's scariest movie is... Tremors 2: Aftershocks. This film has everything: Precambrian nonsense, payroll-hole disappearances, And pre-dot-com theme-park scams. If you love Hot Topic hyenas, cheerleader-pyramid shriekers, and Andrea Bocelli Pegasus merch, this episode's for you!

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Up Next: Primate (2025)

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“They signed the waivers. Guys, I think we’re in the clear.”

This week's scariest movie is... Predators. This film has everything: chaos-goblin fight energy, thumb-biting mandible math, And body-trap upgrades. If you love Amazon-warehouse predator logistics, Kirkland-brand bone temples, and raining-machetes entrances, this episode's for you!

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Up Next: Tremors 2 (1996)

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“If you were a singing telegram giving this much, you’ll be promoted to manager immediately.”

This week’s scariest movie is... Clue. This film has everything: Mandela endings, dog-shit shoe checks, And body drops that only gets higher as the night progresses. If you love McCarthy-era blackmail, Tim Curry cardio exposition, and deeply committed dead-body slapstick, this episode's for you!

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Up Next: Predators (2010)

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“Don’t you want to be friends with Terry Apple?”

This week’s scariest movie is... Strange Harvest. This film has everything: bargain-bin Mario Kart Characters, Dunder Mifflin homicide energy, And aggressively unnecessary voice distortion. If you love blood-bucket logistics, donut-shop dread, and a mockumentary so convincing it breaks your true-crime brain, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Clue (1985)

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“You don’t eat critter veal, you monster.”

This week’s scariest movie is... Critters. This film has everything: plot-farming dads, after-hours church, And cozy Baron Harkonnen cosplay. If you love Johnny Steel world domination, interstellar leather jackets, and frat-boy space porcupines, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Strange Harvest (2024)

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“I can’t believe I’m about to say this. It’s a genius plan.”

This week’s scariest movie is... Snakes on a Plane. This film has everything: Mouth razors, reheated snake leftovers, and a sequel pitch that’s destined to make some $$$. If you love Samuel L. Jackson heroics, deeply stupid criminal logistics, and a movie that fully understands its own title is the whole pitch, this episode’s for you!

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Up next: Critters (1986)

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“Who produced this? The mob."

This week’s scariest movie is... The Final Destination (2009). This film has everything: Hubcapped halved hillbillies, 4th floor hot tubs, and struggling to pay attention when someone is trauma dumping. If you love late-2000s CGI chaos, racetrack carnage, and a franchise that keeps finding new ways to turn everyday errands into a homicide puzzle box, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Snakes on a Plane

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“This is like, if Ron Hubbard walked outside to an alien abduction"

This week’s scariest movie is... 28 Years Later: The Bone Temple. This film has everything: Wine Drunk Confessions, a clinical injection of Duran Duran, And a midnight appointment with the devil where nobody packed a fiddle. If you love DIY cult pageantry, a doctor who looks like he moonlights in a metal band, and zombie-on-zombie violence you weirdly start rooting for, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: The Final Destination (2009)

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“Apparently a bunch of people make cock and ball necklaces now”

This week’s scariest movie is... Scary Movie 2. This film has everything: A horny ghost hookup, dirty talk confessions, And Tori Spelling just GETTING IT from a ghost. If you love Exorcist parody chaos, Tim Curry in full haunted-house professor mode, and a horror-comedy that sprints past good taste without looking back, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: 28 Years Later: Bone Temple

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"Dying under Kevin Bacon. There's got to be worse ways to go."

This week’s scariest movie is... Friday the 13th. This film has everything: kitchen mugs getting burned, pregnant Purple mattresses, And Monopoly played in real time. If you love doom-prophet bike commutes, killer POV giveaways, and starting your hitchhiking journey at 5am, this episode’s for you!

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“He has the trigger discipline of someone who only got a $50,000 signing bonus"

This week’s scariest movie is... Him. This film has everything: NFL-wife Gwyneth Paltrow energy, Poop Math, And a football movie that isn't for people that like football. If you love culty QB training camps, pigskin symbolism, and weaponized sports logic, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next Scary Movie 2

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"It's like pre grave robbing. It's all the grave robbing. But no diggity"

This week’s scariest movie is... Tales from the Hood. This film has everything: a Ded Talk, tiny little footsteps, And a drug dealer who won’t stop telling stories while you’re trying to buy weed. If you love fighting 50 dolls, refried-beans logic, and crumpling up monster drawings, this episode's for you!

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Up Next: Him (2025)

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"I think you and I would get hosed down trying to walk up that fucking hill."

This week’s scariest movie is... The Long Walk. This film has everything: Stebbins sneezes, out of context Spotify comments, And dropping duces at 3 MPH. If you love walking off warnings, Three Musketeers math, and foxhole friendships, this episode's for you!

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Up Next: Tales from the Hood

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All you have to do is provide 90s rapper level bling and food."

This week's scariest movie is... 28 Years Later. This film has everything: Edgar Allan Poe boys, the freshest skulls you'll ever see, And how one famous podcast sees himself. If you love Diet Coke tattoos, castle envy, and showcase showdown swagger, this episode's for you!

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Up Next: The Long Walk (2025)

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“I just wish it wasn’t the grapefruit method"

This week's scariest movie is... Bring Her Back. This film has everything: a sexy and shirtless Jesus digging up the dead, a 10 year old that can't stop biting things, and just enough rules for Brian McKnight to write a hit about. If you love soul smoothie makers, evil bead curtains, and rain filled pools, this episode's for you!

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Up Next: 28 Years Later (2025)

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"We named the dog Indy."

This week's scariest movie is... Good Boy. This film has everything: Pausing for paws. WW1 pilots. And playing fetch till your arm falls off. If you love kibble noodle soup energy, top-billed dogs, and serious Courage the Cowardly Dog energy, this episode's for you!

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Up Next: Bring Her Back (2025)

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"Worst. Criss. Angel. Magic trick. Ever."

This week's scariest movie is... The Conjuring Last Rites. This film has everything: Egg Whites. Science Romeos. And Realty recommendations that you should not take. If you love Shakespeare-in-a-toolshed riffs, basement John Wayne portraits, and common-sense yelling at pitch-black rooms, this episode's for you!

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Up Next: Good Boy (2025)

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"Keep our hot cocoa hot and our ankles unclaimed."

The Horror Virgin: This week's scariest movie is... Krampus. This film has everything: Snow Huluds,. Mouths agape, and proof the cocaine must just be amazing. If you love snowy nonsense wordplay, deadpan anatomy burns, and holiday hijinks, this episode's for you!

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Up Next: The Conjuring: Last Rites

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“Olivia Colman, calm down.”

This week's scariest movie is... Hot Fuzz. This film has everything: Ocular patdowns. A loose swan. And a the most charming bond to walk the earth. If you love buddy-cop bromance, murder-murder-murder chants, and suggestive headlines, this episode's for you!

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Up Next: Krampus (2015)

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“Camp becomes like a frozen purgatorial church retreat.”

This week’s scariest movie is… The Black Phone 2. This film has everything: the real Miracle on Ice, Tommy Tutone, and yet another franchise trapping a killer in a camp's lake, If you love snowbound witchcraft, Dream-Warrior energy, and tractor-on-ice logic, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Hot Fuzz (2007)

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“You got ghosts in your blood, take cocaine about it.”

This week’s scariest movie is… Frankenstein. This film has everything: A 7-foot Adonis Smurf, a classic “He said/He Said,” and an episode that goes deep on the kind of nerds our hosts are.  If you love aggressively thirsty tall-guy discourse, literary-brain horror tangents, and spiraling debates about what actually makes someone a monster in the first place, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Black Phone 2

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“I hereby sentence you to adventure.”

This week’s fog-soaked headless whodunit is... Sleepy Hollow (1999). This film has everything: CSI:1799. Turn in your wood badge and your musket. And The Strangest place to find a dead pigeon. If you love deadpan spooky behavior, backwards-in-heels heroics, gleeful small-town gossip, and deliciously petty continuity nitpicks, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Guillermo del Toro’s Frankenstein (2025)

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“this is I Know What You Did Last Summer, but with Turkey.”

This week’s most carved-up holiday horror movie is... Thanksgiving (With Special Guest Joe Kay!!!!). This film has everything: New holiday traditions. A head smashed Gershon. And a thermometer pop that will make you scream. If you love retail riots, pilgrim-mask menace, gleeful small-town gossip, and the crispy crunch of seasonal payback, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Sleepy Hollow (1999)

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“He’s hanging by his junk... his stomach junk, not his testicle junk.”

This week’s grimiest outbreak horror movie is... Blood Quantum. This film has everything: a bridge-top poop drop, an undead Big Mouth Billy Bass, the best name for a strip club north of the US border. If you love rat fight clubs, zombie allegories to human nature, and a country that really wants you to know it paid for a movie!

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Up Next: Thanksgiving (2023)

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“It was the best of tits. It was the worst of tits.”

This week’s most insane horror movie is... ThanksKilling. This film has everything: savory flavored condoms, Terrible depictions of the faceblind, And a closing tag line only Samuel Jackson could say, but didn’t. If you love holiday thirst traps, chaotic misrecognition, and big-screen smack talk, this episode’s for you!

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What did you think of our episode on Wes Craven’s New Nightmare? Tell us on social media @HorrorVirgin or @RomancingThePodShow on Facebook and Instagram, or @HorrorVirginPod / @RomancingPodSho on Twitter.

Up Next: Blood Quantum (2019)

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Happy Halloween HV Fam!!! Since a lot of you have been asking for this episode, we thought it might be nice for you all to hear our thoughts on Crimson Peak!!! -Todd

“He’s the worst ophthalmologist ever, he never saw any of this coming.”

This week’s hottest movie is... Crimson Peak.

This film has everything: a six foot baguette sadly loafing around, terrible real estate choices, And a mother doesn't love her daughter enough to properly warn her. If you love sad bread energy, cursed property vibes, and siblings that can't want to get one in, this episode’s for you!

Up Next: Thankskilling

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“Tommy Doyle could have just gone to therapy, but we’re glad he didn’t.”

This week’s scariest horror movie is... Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers. This film has everything: children wielding knives, planets slowly coming into alignment, and one of the best places to give birth to a demon child. If you love Dr. Myers OBGYN, Religious Cults, and bringing a knife to a slap fight, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: ThanksKilling (2008)

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“It’s like an angsty teenager blew up because it was forced to shower.”

This week’s scariest listener request movie is... Alien 3. This film has everything: A soon to be star director getting screwed by the studio, An unsexy prison monk scenario, AND that prison is still somehow safer for Ripley than any church. If you love industrial dread, prison monks, and men in rubber suits, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995)

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“You might say those two guys have a hand job.”

This week’s scariest meta movie is... Wes Craven’s New Nightmare. This film has everything: a murderous Thing hand, terrible sex toy suggestions, And the craziest Mangione theory you’ve ever heard. If you love runaway limbs, ill-advised bedroom gadgets, and the truth finally getting out there, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Alien 3 (1992)

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“I don’t remember A Bug’s Life having this much religion in it.”

This week’s scariest horror movie is... Exorcist II: The Heretic. This film has everything: a locust DJ, a shaman/scientist in a lab coat. a vibe that is way to much star wars to be as bad as it is. If you love bug-fueled bangers and shamanic science whiplash this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Wes Craven's New Nightmare (1994)

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“All I saw was a feel-good film about an aunt who loved her nephew so much she’d stop at nothing to plan a sleepover for him.”

This week’s most chaotic PTA-nightmare horror movie is... Weapons. This film has everything: heat-seeking children, Thumbs Up Seven Up, And the strangest fast food theories since everyone stopped using the playplaces but know one talks about why. If you love feral playground energy and fast-food lore gone wrong, this episode’s for you!

What did you think of our episode on Weapons? Tell us on social media @HorrorVirgin or @HorrorVirginPod on Twitter.

Up Next: Exorcist 2: The Heretic (1977)

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This week’s wiggiest horror movie is... Van Helsing.

This film has everything: a wig that out-monsters the monsters, an electrical Wonka, And a that might be having a little bit too much fun. If you love catastrophic hair, candy-coated mad science, and truly maximalist nonsense, this episode’s for you!

What did you think of our episode on Renfield? Tell us on social media @HorrorVirgin or @HorrorVirginPod on Twitter.

Up Next: Weapons (2025)

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“This is the first time that Nicolas Cage has ever been stopped by a circle of cocaine.”

This week’s nastiest toxic-boss horror movie is… Renfield. This film has everything: Corporate Dracula, Welcome-Mat Vampire Law, and the most truthful line ever yelled at the police at the beginning of a chase. If you love quitting your immortal boss, doormat loopholes, and Ben Schwartz on pharmacy time, this episode’s for you!

What did you think of our episode on Renfield? Tell us on social media @HorrorVirgin or @HorrorVirginPod on Twitter.

Up Next: Van Helsing (2004)

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“He is just shipping himself with snacks.”

This week’s bougiest coffin-cruise horror movie is… The Last Voyage of the Demeter. This film has everything: a vampire who mails himself across Europe with provisions. Blood bag wisdom brought to you by Snapple. And an idea for a Dracula movie so brave it will never happen… again. If you love bougie undead meal prep and blockbuster pitches that should absolutely not be greenlit, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Renfield (2023)

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“This is why we shouldn’t have made women wear corsets.”

This week’s prettiest fever dream is… Nosferatu. This film has everything: a naked blood-circle fax machine. Some of the absolute worst period-accurate hair. And a villain that edges so hard when he final gets what he's after it, literally kills him. If you love moody gothic vibes, unexplainable vampire etiquette, and horny morality tales, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: The Last Voyage of the Demeter (2023)

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“My dick is encased in wax. It’s the ultimate condom.”

This week’s horniest fire hazard of a horror movie is House of Wax. This film has everything: wax-on-wax violence, Quentin Tarantino’s evil twin, and smoldering chemistry only ruined by shared parentage. If you love incestual tension, foot trauma, and the slowest wax-based final fight in horror history, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Nosferatu (2024)

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“He’s wearing more flair than an Applebee’s assistant manager"

This week’s hungriest horror movie is… Bones and All. This film has everything: A Donkey-Kong victory dance to a KISS tune, Ethical-cannibalism campfire rules, and the most understandable abandonment you'll ever seen on the silver screen. If you love road-trip vibes, meaty metaphors, and unhinged food discourse, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: House of Wax (2005)

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“I’m just impressed by the loyalty of the Funky Bunch.”

This week’s most unhinged horror-thriller is… Fear. This film has everything: the unwavering loyalty of the Funky Bunch, the death of a german Kaiser, and a crew you can’t tell is a rock band or the Bling Ring…but either way, they’re showing up to your house and it’s not for rehearsal. If you love questionable life choices, possible paternal Bass Players, and home invasions with a soundtrack that slaps, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Bones and All (2022)

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"You're the hottest person at your college and dumb enough to get kidnapped."

This week’s most scariest horror movie is I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. This film has everything: Jamiroquai in a murder poncho, A lost live action Scooby-Doo episode. And a six-shooter that fires eight times. If you love karaoke, seafood mascots, and Jennifer Love Hewitt losing a fight to basic geography, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Fear (1996)

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“If turtles are flightless birds, is lasagna a cake?”

This week’s most requested horror movie is Willy’s Wonderland. This film has everything: A silent janitor with zero follow-up questions. Animatronic Pizzagate. And a haunted true crime original story of convoluted that you'd need five nights to sort it out. If you love flightless turtles, debt-era Nic Cage energy, and animatronics get curb-stomped, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer (1998)

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“That necklace should only be viewed through a hand mirror.”

This week’s scariest horror movie is What Lies Beneath. This film has everything: ghost girls with boundary issues, true crime witchcraft girlies, and a husband who invents the biggest red flag ever. If you like a movie that dares to ask the question, Can Han Solo act? This episode is for you.

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Up Next: Willy's Winderland (2021)

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“I would stay in a dumpster overnight with you.”

This week’s all-too-real horror movie is The Purge: Anarchy. This film has everything: Dumpster survival strategies, rich psychos in cocktail attire, and a Frank Castle stand-in that just can't shake these "hangers on." If you love movies that sound like they were written by the lyrics to a Rage Against The Machine song, this episode’s for you.

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Up Next: What Lies Beneath (2000)

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“If your daughter’s in a drawer, it’s too late.”

This week’s horniest horror movie is… Silent Hill. This film has everything: A giant sexy demon that just can't wait to rip everything off you. A cop whose clearly not dressed for the day she's having. And a mom thats just asking if we could tell her how to get, how to get to Silent Hill. If you love horny cosplay, questionable law enforcement fashion, and children’s theme songs reimagined for the apocalypse, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: The Purge: Anarchy (2014)

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"It's only car chase I can describe as dialogue-heavy."

This week’s scariest movie is... Death Proof. This film has everything: A scar that somehow makes it hotter that he’s murdering you, foot close-ups, and a theory that will have kit marlowe scratching Shakespeare's head. If you love Snake Plissken thirst, feet you didn’t consent to seeing, and the cursed brilliance of #Sorkentino, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Silent Hill (2006)

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"Is this just Fight Club in the 80s?"

This week’s most unhinged highway horror is The Hitcher (1986). This film has everything: Gas station explosions, Tyler Durden cosplay, and a Swedish-American shoulder-width that brings all the Pages to the yard. If you love shoulder theories, not know if Rutger Hauer wants to kill or fuck you, and cops doing the absolute least, this episode’s for you!

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Up Next: Death Proof (2007)

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