The Greatest Generation

When the woman who unwittingly modeled for Geordi’s favorite real doll boards the ship, the Chief Engineer is scrambling to understand why she isn’t as receptive to his romantic overtures as her lookalike. To make matters worse, an alien pot pie has been tossed at the ship, and the crew is having a heck of a time cleaning it off. Why won’t the Captain ever let Worf raise the shields? What ever happened to that calzone? Is this whole thing Guinan’s fault? It’s the episode where TNG goes full MRA.

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When Commander Riker gets injured on a first contact mission, his alien doctors examine all kinds of appendages they aren't familiar with. But while making sure he recovers as fully as possible, the leaders of the planet must decide if they want to enter an exciting, spacefaring future, or stay in the cold, microwave-less past. What is an "Implied Riker"? How many writing credits does it take to break a script? Does Riker "first contact and tell"? It's the first episode back from our tour and we have SO much to catch up on!

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When the entire crew passes out after traveling through a wormhole, the evidence starts to finally persuade them that Data is the gravest threat to the ship that they face on an ongoing basis. Now Picard has to go all Dixon Hill on everybody’s ass until he can get some answers. Will Data be stripped down to his wires? Where the hell was Guinan during this whole thing? Why can’t Worf be bothered to implement any basic security procedures? It’s the episode where Troi huffs some green paint.

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When "the devil" starts dropping bangers on an entire planet, it's up to Captain Picard to help fiddle their way out of a terrible contract. Unfortunately, his attire is completely inappropriate for the occasion. How many ziggurats are right for an agrarian society? Can an android get his tongue stuck on a frozen flagpole? Who's got Uri Geller vibes? It's the episode where the hosts go "fully-biblical"!

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Now that we’re finally into the meat of the series, we can really start digging into what matters most about Star Trek: The Next Generation: O’Brien and Keiko’s weird marriage. Why have they never talked about what foods they like? What does the Chief even like about Keiko? Why is she marrying him when his career is clearly in the sonic toilet? It’s the episode where we keep up with the Cardassians.

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When a Vulcan diplomat needs a ride into Romulan space, the Enterprise is her UberXL (if only to transport her giant Pope hat). Meanwhile, people are doing things that they think will make Chief O'Brien happy, with disastrous consequences. Is O'Brien in an arranged marriage? Is it hard to stay together when your ship is named "Divorce"? Does Data have "Incognito Mode"? It's the Nebuchadnezzar of bottle episodes!

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When Troi’s special power slips away from her, she wastes no time in throwing in the towel. It’s looking like the crew will need to get by with Guinan as the counselor. What’s up with communicator continuity in this episode? Is this the right bag to pack twelve iPads in? It’s the episode where we find out how pollination works, but also that Ben is kind of an idiot.

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When a twist beginning crash lands Captain Picard and young Wesley Crusher (The Boy?!) onto a desolate planet, the constant bickering drives the third wheel of their group to drink. It's too bad Commander Riker is too busy taking out someone else's trash to mount a timely rescue mission. What does it take to get a 6 star Uber rating? Are children chained inside the saucer section? Is this how radiation works? It's the episode where we introduce a new mountainside sculpture to our repertoire!

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When Riker inhales the wrong gas, his memory of the last sixteen years is wiped. He is the captain now, but he has no idea how he got there! Da fuq is Riker asking this turbo lift? Why is Worf so hunchy? Did they get that mask at the Halloween store? It’s an episode with one of the all time bad buttons.

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When Worf's ex-girlfriend beams onboard with the son he didn't know he had, it starts to affect his performance at work. Their domestic conflict has to take a back seat in the storyline when a diplomatic conflict heats up between two factions warring for control of the Klingon Empire. Is it appropriate to send an Evite to a political summit? How bad of a year do you need to have to forget that you were almost murdered? What's the most effective way for HR to approach a Klingon about his behavior? It's the episode we recorded from an internet ghost town!

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Tasha Yar’s estranged sister doesn’t just look like Sarah Conner, she’s the Enterprise’s only hope to help save some abducted crewmen. But her affiliation with the Confederacy has everyone on edge. Did these street gangs get their jewels from Logan’s Run? What Skynyrd songs does this fusion reactor have? What happened to that chip clip that used to be at the craft services table? It’s the episode that marks our formal entrée into 90’s haircast.

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When an old friend of Dr. Crusher's bails on their plans, she thinks he might have fallen on the ship and can't get up. But as her story begins to unravel, squints of suspicion abound from an unbelieving (and shrinking) Enterprise crew. How difficult is a three-finger handshake? Are scarves a good substitute for grass? How old is your oldest friend? It's the episode that came back from the dead!

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When the Enterprise crew finds a human survivor aboard a wrecked Talarian ship, the young man wants to be roommates with Captain Picard. Unfortunately, Picard's quarters is filled with glass tables and a knife collection. Why can't Picard recognize when someone goes "full vineyard"? Does "asymmetrical loaf" indicate a breakthrough in alien makeup design? Is a vest of bratwurst this year's hit Halloween party costume? It's part two of The Slickback Trilogy!

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When an innocent prank puts a little boy’s life in danger, it’s not great timing for Data’s dad to hijack his mind, and by extension the whole ship. Things go from bad to worse when Data’s brother Lore shows up, and Soong is blinded to Lore’s fairly blatant evilness by fatherly love. What was that situation on the Pakled ship like? What’s gonna happen when Data is up in the stirrups? Where do you buy those blankets for protecting an elevator on moving day? It’s the Klumpiest episode yet!

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While the ship is being duct taped back together after a certain ‘incident,’ the crew takes some time to dredge up grievances with their loved ones. For Picard, it’s his stridently conservative brother. For Worf, it’s his embarrassing parents. For Wesley (the boy?!) it’s an old holo tape of his dad’s that isn’t as exciting to find as that sounds. Are replicators just microwaves? Does retirement still make people crazy in the 24th century? It's the episode where we speculate about what ever happened to Jim Shimoda.

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When Commander Riker fires on a ship containing Captain Picard, it's finally clear why he passed up all those other promotions. But when facing an enemy who knows all his best moves, the newly-promoted Riker must resort to some unorthodox techniques to save the human race. Where is the USS Hood? What is a "personal banger"? How do you dispose of a pip? It's a great episode buried in a pile of garbage!

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When a hot shot young commander starts angling for Commander Riker's job, it is fortuitous timing that Captain Picard gets kidnapped by the Borgs. The newly-promoted Riker plays it cool while doing everything he can to get him back, but when Picard shows up on FaceTime with some gaudy new implants, he decides to end their relationship. What is the Borgs' target demographic? Is Commander Shelby giving off Ivanka Trump vibes? Does losing Picard qualify as "acceptable losses" to Worf? It's the episode where we do an unnecessary Indiana Jones roll!

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When the Enterprise beams aboard the mysterious survivor of a space ship crash, it's up to Dr. Crusher to nurse him back to health. But when the patient starts placing his "gifted hands" upon some of the crew, Captain Picard must decide if his crimes can be so easily wiped away. What does Geordi's VISOR smell like? Where can we get a "Body Glove Wetsuit O'Brien" action figure? Is this Worf's idea of dating? It's the episode where the hosts prefer the blue Powerade.

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Send help! I’m trapped in a podcast factory and they’re forcing me to write a capsule for an episode featuring Ferengis AND Lwaxana Troi!

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When a legendary Vulcan diplomat starts acting strangely ahead of an important conference, the Enterprise crew chalks it up to old age. But when his brand of mental disability becomes contagious, glass tables around the ship aren't the only thing in jeopardy. Can we workshop a worse throw-to-title scene? Is this episode "canonical Ghostbusters 2"? What happens to a kid at a bar fight? It's the episode where we learn, "Never mind-meld with your heroes."

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When a con man abducts commander Data, his only ways to pass the time are trying to smile and trying to sing to a hand puppet. The Enterprise crew’s only hope is to start taking Geordi’s conspiracy theory website seriously. What century has the best bubblegum smell? How anti-semitic is this whole deal? Is her chin messed up because alien or because surgery? It’s an episode that has fewer small hand jokes than it probably should.

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When a problematic engineer takes out his frustrations on the holodeck, everyone questions the protocol of recreating real crew members there. But after the ship's glassware is threatened, the fragility of the rest of the Enterprise systems are exposed. Why can't you just transfer your problems to the USS Hood? How do you responsibly dispose of your old pornography? Is Geordi not the creepiest guy on the ship anymore? It's the episode where "trouble always follows."

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When low rent Michael Rapaport comes aboard, the Enterprise finds itself in a race to capture a living starship that the Romulans really want. Will putting Rapaport on suspension stop the mayor from breathing down Picard’s neck? How big can a banger get? What's this proctology exam going to turn up? It’s an episode where Ben and Adam have creative differences about the show.

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When Captain Picard needs a backrub, Doctor Crusher prescribes a vacation. Trouble is, the all-inclusive resort Commander Riker recommends appears to be "full service," and the pages in his book aren't spill proof. Can Picard go "chest to chest" with Riker? Is there any job on the Enterprise dangerous enough for red pants? What is "low knuck"? It's the episode where we prescribe to "The Maron Rule."

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When Picard is re-re-re-body snatched and replaced by an insane impostor, the crew goes through the same routine of misgivings-leading-to-mutiny that they always do. Meanwhile, the real Captain has to escape from space jail with a blue cadet, an ersatz Nausicaan, and a big fan of Australian opera. Who will wind up doing the corny monologue jokes in this episode? Will Wesley let Picard hit on Beverly? Where we gonna poop? It’s the episode where Picard turns the music up to eleven.

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When the Klingon exchange program gives the Enterprise a very hostile second in command, it's up to the crew to fall in line or risk being murdered in a turbolift. The new guy's meatloaf looks familiar, so he and Worf take a trip to visit their old stomping grounds to dispute an old family controversy. What's the mortality rate in a Klingon hospital? Is it a good idea to "sprinkle the dog" around when you meet new people? Should the hosts take holidays off? It's the episode that was almost called, "Don't Be a Menace to the Klingon Homeworld while Wearing Your Robe in the Hood"!

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When Data has a child out of wedlock, the Captain is furious. But when an Admiral from Child Protective Services decides to come take away the bouncing baby android, Picard goes into full blown lawyer mode. What are Riker’s intentions towards Data’s daughter? Can Picard just routinely defy Starfleet? It’s an episode with more Kevin Uxbridge than the Kevin Uxbridge episode.

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When a butthole in space expels a version of the Enterprise from the past, the crew we've come to know are changed in ways no one can perceive - except for Guinan. In this alternate reality, the Klingons are eating the Federation for breakfast, and Captain Picard has to decide whether or not to send the visiting ship back to its own time. Could Worf be a "secret old"? Shouldn't Yar be due for a promotion by now? Is Ben's dog okay? It's the episode with no logic in it at all!

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When Riker gets accused of murder, Picard fights his first officer’s extradition the only way he knows how: by putting together a few days of holodeck Rashomon. The situation gets dire when radiation starts turning the ship into Swiss cheese. Why doesn’t Data compare Picard’s art style to potato Jesus? Is there any explosion Chief O’Brien can’t pull an away team out of? Is Riker secretly a total madman? It’s an episode in which our grievances with certain other Star Trek podcasts are laid to bed, and then inflamed anew.

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When Q appears on the bridge naked and powerless, the Enterprise crew begrudgingly grants him asylum as they troubleshoot an Armageddon-sized problem for a planet in trouble. But as Data teaches him what it's like to be human, one of Q's old nemeses plans its revenge while he's the most vulnerable. How does Q decide his bodily proportions? What's the safest restaurant appetizer? Who is "Malibu Q"? It's the episode that's just a total mess. Sad!

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When Dr. Crusher is kidnapped while having lunch on a hostile planet, the Enterprise crew finds themselves in the middle of a dispute between outdoor mall architects and cave aficionados. It isn't long before Beverly diagnoses the terrorists with a transporter-related illness, which is unfortunate given how enjoyable transporting sounds to them. Why is everyone afraid of Dr. Crusher? Did Kevin Uxbridge leave a special gift for Geordi? Do quilted breadbox covers come in a child's size small? It's the episode where we receive a very threatening package!

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When Rambo Jason Bourne in Space breaks out of a penal colony with a boring name, the Enterprise crew become U.S. Marshals. It’s a hard target search of the star system and the ship that turns up more than the locals had bargained for. When did Farmer Hoggitt grow that molestache? Is Roga Danar the frontman of a rock band called Breadcrumbs of Destruction? Its an episode we recorded in the afterglow of a truly awesome karaoke performance.

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When a Romulan tries to pull a Hunt for Red October, Picard has to decide whether to take the Federation to the brink of war. When the guy gets on board, it really puts a cramp in Picard and Data's rehearsal schedule. How hard is it for the Enterprise crew to trust these admirals after Conspiracy? If Picard is Jack Kennedy, does that make Tomalak Khrushchev? Can Patrick Stewart maintain his status as Scenery Chewer In Residence? It’s the episode where we finally break into the 90s.

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When the Enterprise is dispatched to the scene of a tossed outpost, the crew must moderate a dispute between a group of rowdy professional wrestlers and their elderly grandparents. Captain Picard's diplomatic strategy is to pour brandy and chill, but an alien seductress has more on her mind than meets the eye. Can rank be determined by the depth of a deep V? Is the podcast gaining our hosts membership into "the lifestyle"? It's the episode with 50 phaser blasts!

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When the Enterprise plays host to a ‘hole’ auction, Riker gets in on the action, leaving Troi to be pursued by Lloyd Braun. It isn’t long before he’s creepily touching her hair. Is a deep vee and a male gaze the only sure way to attract 24th century women? How do you bang in a bunkbed shuttle? Can Riker’s dog be bigged? It’s the episode that turns a previously three dimensional character into a flat one!

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When the Enterprise drops off a Dustbuster Club on a planet besieged by plot-forwarding radiation, the away team loses track of Geordi and beams up an injured Romulan instead. Stuck in a hole and slowly going blind, Geordi's fate lies with an ally who discloses some troubling opinions about eugenics. How careful do you have to be when a Romulan pulls you over? Can gaberdine wick away moisture before the chafing starts? Is this the start of Riker's drinking problem? It's the episode where Worf is made to disclose his donation status.

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When the ship gets stuck in some mud, Geordi is the only person onboard ship who gets put to work on saving the crew. Naturally, he makes himself a virtual girlfriend to help out along the way. Will Picard try to steal her like he stole Minuet? Has Chief O’Brien found the best way yet to kiss Picard’s ass? Was Geordi just drunk the entire time? It’s the episode where Adam talks about an uncomfortable date he went on.

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When an away team accident kills a member of the Enterprise crew, it's up to Captain Picard to deliver the bad news to the newest member of the orphan club. Their grief doesn't last for long, because the fallen crew member reappears and promises a new life for the son she left behind. Is there such a thing as a bloodless Klingon ceremony? Why does Wesley (the boy?) have his own room? Is there more than one way to get a Natural Yeager? It's the first episode of the "Slick Back Trilogy"!

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When a cloaked observatory gets hit with a banger, the Enterprise needs to step on the gas to rescue some more gray haired scientists before the Prime Directive gets violated. On their arrival, the Enterprise crew just can’t help but violate it themselves, and violate it over and over. It should come as no surprise that this involves Riker going around the planet in a deep vee. Can Picard get out of this by making up a new religion? Did the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer wig get reused? Does Worf’s least favorite lightning have a great Hollywood agent? It’s the episode that Ben recorded while hopped up on DayQuil.

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When the Enterprise discovers the aftermath of an attack on a planetary colony, they become suspicious of the two elderly survivors shacked up in the nicest house on their block. These survivors also seem unusually obsessed with their landscaping, which catches Commander Riker off-guard. But when Counselor Troi gets a bad song stuck in her head, the crew starts to wonder if there's something sinister going on inside their Malibu home. How many scarves is a reputation worth? Is there such thing as a lethal amount of guile? Why won't Captain Picard tell anyone what he's thinking? It's the episode where we play ALL the music.

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When a race of Hefty bags wants to tarp over a planet with 15,000 humans living on it, the Enterprise has to consider taking them on a Kid Rock cruise. The only crewmember immune to the local radiation is Data, so he beams down only to find an obtuse demagogue with a weird voice is running the place, and the guy doesn’t believe that the Hefty corporation even exists. Is Data a secret practitioner of rave hand jive, or does he just have invisible balls to play with? Why is Gosheven sounding so thirsty? Are Lenny and Carl on loan from The Simpsons? It’s the episode in which we award some T-shirts.

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When the Enterprise breaks down while conducting a science mission, Wesley (the boy?) is at fault. Unfortunately, he observes the Chaotic Bro code of silence, which forces the dumpy professor in charge of the experiment to take matters into his own hands. What does it mean to get "The Frakes"? Do we or don't we want to be in the pocket of Big Rodd? How many pips does Jame Gumb have? It's the episode where we do ALL the impressions!

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When Riker gets some DNA in him, it’s not just from another romp on the holodeck. Unfortunately, the STD test comes back positive and it's a race against time to save his life. Dr. Pulaski hatches a plan to make Riker re-watch episodes of the show that would even make Captain Picard shudder. Is Chief O’Brien trying to give Pulaski a heart attack? Is Troi going to be ok when Riker’s most erotic dreams leave her in the lurch? Is the Captain ever going to recover from being bald-burned? It’s our most ill-advised episode yet, and the one that took by far the most work!

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When the Enterprise engages in war games, their opponent is the biggest WOPR of them all: Commander Riker. Unfortunately for Captain Picard, Riker's team includes Ensign Crusher (the Boy?), and a threat from an unexpected foe. Who gave Picard a hickey? Is one of Riker's crew giving off Laura Dern vibes? What are the chances of getting a "Natural Yeager"? It's the episode with excellent finger dexterity!

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When unfrozen caveman Klingons are about to thaw out in a nice suburban neighborhood, Starfleet sends their sexiest emissary to try to talk Picard into a murder-based solution to the problem. Tensions rise when Worf can’t keep his cool around his lab partner, but Troi has some zit popping videos on her iPad that help everyone calm down. Is Data the ship’s best cock-blocker? Is K’Ehleyr going to get picked in The Bachelor? Is Worf a cigar store Indian? It’s the episode in which we try to get CBS to jerk our udders.

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When the Enterprise goes on Uber-duty for a couple of fish people, Lwaxana Troi drops by for a visit. Then, things somehow get even worse when Captain Picard bails on the show and hides in the holodeck. Is Troi's mom more destructive than Q? Is Pacifica the galaxy's Howard Johnson hotel? Why don't more guest stars get "The Tesh Treatment"? Plus, we announce a t-shirt contest! It's the episode that's an embodiment of an HR violation.

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When Dr. Pulaski covers for Worf, he returns the favor by showing her what sex is to him. Meanwhile, the ship rescues some Space Irish from some kind of Space Blight before heading off to find their long lost cousins. How dangerous is a Klingon toilet plunger? Why is the transporter beaming people up with the ground underneath them? What are the downsides of phasering your own clone? It's the episode that forced us to bow to the absurd!

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When the Enterprise answers a distress call from a ship full of Lennies, the crew's instincts are to offer assistance. Unfortunately, the Pakleds pet Geordi a little too hard as he's tending to their problems. Meanwhile, the captain and Wesley (the BOY?) go on a road trip in the Previa so Picard can have a "little procedure." Could Toto have improved this episode? Who are the rank pips really for? Can we do this show in a hot tub? It's an episode that's like a Sci-Fi version of "Of Mice and Men"!

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Picard gets super salty when Q kidnaps him in a stolen Previa, but things go from bad to worse when the ship gets frisbeed into the path of the galaxy’s shittiest Rubik’s Cube. Does Guinan have the only locking door on the ship? Why are the Borgs so interested in the Jim Shimoda Memorial Corner? Is the crew even ready to go on star treks? It’s a very special episode of Borg Maury.

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When the Enterprise explores a sector full of about to explode planets, the crew decides to put Wesley (the boy?) in charge. But when Data decides to turn the sensors on high, the results interrupt Captain Picard's private "chaps time." Is Worf in a death cult? Where can our listeners send their corrections? Can't Picard do better than a Continental breakfast for his meetings? It's the episode with a very special WiFi password!

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