Brave Love Great Sex – Couples Therapy Podcast

We talk a lot about romance outside of the bedroom, but what does a romantic interlude look like? “I wish my partner were more romantic in bed” is a statement we often hear from women. “Are you kidding me?” is a retort we often hear from men. “I thought we were done with all the jumping through hoops after we got married.”

While it is true that many men feel as described, it’s also true that both men and women appreciate romance and thoughtfulness in relationships. Bringing romance to a relationship will differ for everyone but based on our experience, there are 4 important elements for adding spice to the bedroom!

Let's break down each of these steps!

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In this episode, we explore grief through the lens of sexual intimacy... For many couples, sexual intercourse is a safe space where they can be vulnerable, knowing that they can reach out to their partner and their partner will reach back. No matter what you are experiencing while working through sex and grief, the goal is not to force one behavior or another but to communicate so that you can return to that safe space when the time is right.

As therapists, we often see clients who successfully navigate the emotional aspects of grieving while failing to address the sexual side of their relationships. 

It’s not uncommon for us to work with couples who are not having sex. Often, those couples can trace the loss of intimacy back to a period of grief. It’s understandably a difficult position: How do you maintain a sexual connection with your loved one while honoring the grieving process? 

Grieving is a complex topic. Sex is a complex topic. Talking about both may seem awkward – but for anyone in a relationship, the reality is, sex and grief will eventually converge. When couples are faced with the terrible loss of a loved one, this conversation can comfort and add to their security with each other when they need it the most.

In memory of Mary Louise Faller

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Q&A episode!!! We're answering a bunch of different questions from our listeners about the science of attraction, faking it, and how to bring sexy back!

What does scientific research say about attraction and desire?? What visuals spark chemistry and the get the erotic mind flowing? Hint: Red is SEXY! Like our Foreplay colors ;)

How can you bring passion back to the bedroom when you get a little too comfortable? Couples slip into habits... The key is being intentional, and building anticipation and excitement... 

These questions... and more! Listen to Laurie and George answer YOUR Q's in this week's episode!

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We often use the word "tango" in EFT in context of the cycles, patterns, or feedback loop that couples can get stuck in. How do you change that dynamic? To break free from the negative cycle you have to see the interdependency – it takes effort, vulnerability, and engagement from BOTH partners. Change can't happen without meeting each other halfway! 

Pursuers and Withdrawers: What are some new moves to help you better understand each other's needs and strengthen your emotional and sexual bond?

For both pursuers and withdrawers, acknowledging the attempts of your partner and making them feel heard and seen, is the key to changing the dynamic you are stuck in. You have to protect each other and always reward the vulnerability and risks of your partner! 

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Affairs devastate the trust and connection in a committed relationship… Although healing after an affair is a delicate process and can feel impossible, we believe that recovery and reconnection is possible! What works best to restore the relationship and trust? 

Acting out in an affair is often a sign of problems with the person’s life or relationship. A push/pull dynamic can fuel the infidelity…

While sexual betrayal strikes at the very heart of commitment, marriages and partnerships can often emerge stronger after an affair. Join sex therapist Dr. Laurie Watson and couples therapist George Faller, LMFT as they talk about the causes and how to recover from the pain of infidelity...

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We’ve talked about what turns women on… let’s hear about men!! It might not be what you expect...

We’re borrowing from Michael Castleman’s insightful research on male libido. Contrary to popular belief about what turns men on – a supermodel, beauty, lingerie… the research actually says there are much bigger, deeper factors.

The #1 factor? Desire, feeling wanted. Let’s talk about some of the main factors that impact male libido...

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All gas, no brakes!! We're using our acronym B.E.S.T. sex to talk about turn ons and turn offs. What works, and what doesn't work. Body, Emotional, Spiritual, and Thoughts... Use B.E.S.T. to be more intentional and find practical tactics to apply to your relationship.

B.E.S.T. sex is all about attunement! When your partner knows what you like, what you need, and how to touch you, that's hot stuff! The best love is when you feel safe, safe enough to take risks and know you'll still be accepting. A big part of great sex is to keep growing together, and the best lovers are vulnerable.

We've got some homework for you! Write down your turn ons and turn offs using the B.E.S.T. acronym and share them with your partner!

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How can you develop your erotic mind? The BRAIN is the best sexual organ we have! Engagement of the mind is important and developing eroticism can bring new energy into your relationship! 

Fantasizing about and longing for your partner leading up to the experience itself, builds anticipation - a major turn on. The unknown, “what could happen next?” feeling, common in the dating phase, that can be so exciting. Fantasies fuel arousal; They are great bridges into the moment. Sharing these fantasies with your partner and exploring them together - opens a new door to vulnerability… “What do you like?” “What do you think about?” - Get specific!

Reminder: It’s OKAY to fantasize, to let your mind wander… don’t judge your own thoughts, or your partners! Be open to vulnerability and use fantasies as an opportunity for connection. Strengthening your erotic mind will inevitably strengthen your bond and relationship. 

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Do you feel stuck in the negative cycle? What's not working?

Couples usually understand what’s not working, but not what they could do differently. It is difficult for pursuers to understand where their withdrawer partner is coming from... and vice versa.

But you are not helpless victims to the negative cycle! There are things you can do; You can control own your new moves. You can learn new ways to approach your partner that recognizes their needs.

In this week's episode, Laurie and George teach you new moves— for both pursuers and withdrawers! 

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When someone is committed to fidelity and their partner absolutely does not want sex—is there any hope?

Technically, sexless is considered less than 10x a year—but for some people, there is no sex. Sometimes each partner still has desire but they don’t know how to talk about it.  They may even masturbate on their own but feel it’s too complicated to share with their partner.  Sometimes the sexual pursuer just gives up and becomes a sexual withdrawer.

The danger of a sexless marriage is that the couple may not feel the love of or for their partner and become subject to the temptation of others. They may long for the sexual connection they shared in the beginning; George and Laurie share some ideas about how taking their clothes off again can be safer.

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What sexual cues turn women on? Here’s a hint—interest is sexy! 32% of women lack sexual interest, according to a research study by Meston & McCall, “Cues Resulting in Sexual Desire for Women.” The study found that increased sexual cues resulted in increased frequency for females. In this episode, we’ll talk about the many cues that trigger a woman’s desire! 

Female sexual desire has a more emotional component to it; Women are more externally triggered in relationship factors and setting; connection and presence. What kind of cues increase her desire? Let’s get specific. In this episode, Laurie and George break down the cues from the study: emotional bonding cues, erotic/explicit cues, visual/proximity cues, and romantic/implicit cues. 

“Cues Resulting in Sexual Desire for Women” (Meston & McCall): https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2861288/ 

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In this episode, we’re answering YOUR questions!! We find that the questions can be repetitive because couples are struggling with the same sexual and emotional issues… Let’s talk about a common theme we hear from our listeners: Willing vs wanting.

Couples find themselves at a sexual "crossroads" with two options: breakthrough or breakup. How can you avoid the latter and instead find an opportunity to connect on a deeper level both emotionally and in bed? People get separated and divorced… not because they don’t love their partner, but because the distance gets too great. The mistrust gets too great. They become stuck in the negative cycle.  But you can BRIDGE that distance and have a breakthrough with higher levels of engagement, more love, and better sex! 

We love hearing your feedback! Ask us your questions on our website: www.foreplayrst.com/contact

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How can you better approach and communicate with your partner about your feelings and needs? Reflect, Evocative Response, Validate...

In this week's episode, Laurie and George give you concrete tools and bridging exercises to build your connection and understand each other on a deeper level.

R- Reflection - You’re telling me how sex makes you feel alive in your body. 

E - Evocative response - Can you tell me also what you feel about me in your heart when we have sex?

V - Validate - It makes sense that orgasm makes you feel merged with me and kinda one with the universe.

Starting these conversations opens the door to vulnerability; The goal is connection, not to solve the problem. When you experience success in that communication, that feeling of connection is what will eventually allow you to solve the problem.

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Have you experienced a state of “flow” during sex? What is the correlation between flow and sexual satisfaction? A new research study by Jamea, E. N., McCaskill, L.A., & Needle, R. B. (2021) found that flow proved to be a significant positive predictor of both partner-focused and personal sexual satisfaction. In this episode, Laurie and George talk about how to find this sexual rhythm that will help you fall into each other, lose yourself in the moment, and merge together as one. 

In general—how do we control happiness and contentment during sex? By entering the zone... Happiness requires a committed, intentional effort. When we become absorbed in a flow:

• There’s a distortion of time - losing track of time, getting caught up in the present moment
• A loss of self-consciousness and inner critic
• Have a beautifully synchronized experience

Get in sync with your partner and have passionate, fulfilling, and BETTER sex!

Check out the article and research by Dr. Emily Jamea, Ph.D., LMFT, LPC!

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/extraordinary-relationships/202103/can-you-experience-flow-state-during-sex 

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We are keeping HOT this week! Real talk about female pleasure and the clitoris…

Discover new techniques to increase pleasure during sexual intercourse. Using research from OMGYES and Laurie’s sex therapist experience, we hear about techniques to try—both physical and psychological—to help your partner experience more pleasure. Women: FEEDBACK is important, so being vocal about what feels good or even showing your partner can help you have better sex and intimacy. In this episode, we’ll discuss 4 techniques from the study: angling, rocking, shallowing, pairing, and kegel squeezes! 

Explore even more techniques with informative videos and graphics at OMGYES.com. Our listeners get a 10% discount with our link OMGYES.com/foreplay!

Research by OMGYES gives insight into how women can increase their pleasure in vaginal penetration. In partnership with Indiana University and Kinsey Institute researchers, OMGYES has interviewed and surveyed thousands of people with vulvas about what’s made their pleasure better. Everybody is different—What works for you? 

Finding out what works for other people can help you find NEW things that expand your pleasure. 

THERAPISTS AND CLINICIANS: This has been such a valuable resource for us to use as sex and couples therapists! We highly recommend it for sex-positive educational purposes, PLUS certified nurses, clinicians and therapists get free personal access—so you can see whether you want to recommend it to clients! All you need to do is email your professional website/profile to therapist@omgyes.com!

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Anal play, anal penetration, prostate stimulation or anal sex.  While we may feel squeamish about this subject - the anus IS an erogenous zone charged with sexual nerve endings. It's also a body part that from childhood that we've been taught is contaminated and dirty. We may even feel shame about the anus. Especially we might feel shame about our desire to include it in our lovemaking and then never talk to our partner about these ideas. We're not trying to get you to try anything you don't want to try. But George and Laurie are trying to get you to have a conversation about it. We want people to see the opportunity in these vulnerable conversations to share who they are. Even if you don't get what you want, there is something important about knowing yourself and knowing your partner better. If we protect ourselves and don't have these conversations, we ultimately have lower engagement in our partnerships.

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Maybe you or your partner is uninterested in or uncomfortable with certain acts, such as oral sex.  Both men and women can resist oral sex. What’s holding them back? The turn off could be anything: smell, taste, self-consciousness, discomfort, cleanliness, or fear of failure. But most of these concerns can be mitigated by change! 

However, some things may be off limits entirely and we have to understand and respect our partner’s boundaries… How do we grieve for sex acts that we want but just aren’t on the table for our partners?

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This week we’re talking about erotic blueprints. Like the 5 love languages—but all about sex! We all have different ways that we get turned on… Energetic, Sensual, Sexual, Kinky, and the Shapeshifter. Do you know your dominant style?

When partners have different sexual styles, they can be on completely different wavelengths and don't understand what their partner wants. How do you get them talking about it and into flexibility, so that they can meet each other's needs?

In a committed erotic life, you have to be willing to meet each other half way. Some of the time, figuring out what your partner's big turn on is and giving them that, keeps it exciting for both of you. How can we meet our partner in a different approach and learn to speak each other's erotic language?

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Erectile dysfunction is a common issue and can be caused by a number of reasons such as anxiety, age, medication, and physiological issues. The good thing is, ED is treatable! 

Anxiety is perhaps the number one reason for ED. Oftentimes the pressure of performing can become overwhelming and cause a disconnect because they are unable to relax. With unrealistic expectations that come from porn and society, men can be harsh on themselves and worry that they aren’t a good lover. Men are hindered from being in the present moment because they are concerned about their performance and focused on the “end goal” being ejaculation.

But what is the goal of sex and intimacy? Is it orgasm or deep connection? The goal is to focus on the love and the connection, not the finish line. Focusing on the connection without expectations can be an excellent anecdote for anxiety. If the goal is connection, there is a beautiful opportunity to use vulnerability to come alongside parts of each other that almost never get connection. When struggling with ED, men need reassurance from their partner and know that they will be loved and wanted regardless of the outcome. Learn to let your partner in during these moments and face those fears together, not alone. There is strength in sharing fears and overcoming them together. 

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What are the blocks that keep us from each other?  Withdrawer blocks might look like taking space through laughing, walking away, or being too positive to avoid emotional pain. A sexual withdrawing block might be a headache or being busy.  A sexual pursuer block may be angry pressure trying to motivate change or wishing to wake up their partner and drive a sexual action.  Laurie and George show the way to see past the block.  You don't have to be perfect but you CAN get through blocks. Take George's challenge about what to do with the blocks from your partner!

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Does your partner feel just outside of your grasp? Are you longing for a deeper physical and emotional connection? Pursuers and withdrawers have different needs and fears that need to be heard and understood... What do you long for? 

Fulfilling each other's needs and desires can bring you closer together, but you have to communicate and create the space for this to happen. Pursuers fear rejection and often feel like they're being "too much." They need to feel wanted and fought for. Withdrawers fear failure of "letting their partner down" which is why they are hesitant to engage. They need to feel acceptance and reassurance from their partner.

You have to meet each other halfway... Pursuers—create safety by expressing your longing for both sexual and emotional connection to your partner. Be attentive to their needs and give affirmation of their feelings. Withdrawers—you hold a lot of power and being willing to initiate can go a long way. Meet your partner with excitement and reciprocate a desire for deeper intimacy.

When the pursuers longings are finally met, it can be very healing for both partners. Enjoy the afterglow moment together!

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How can you navigate the world of online dating and find a partner with the qualities you’re looking for? How can you avoid wasting time on drama and ghosters and find people interested in a similar connection? 

It’s hard to know much about a person by evaluating their online profile. Most profiles keep it surface level- their hobbies, career, favorite books, etc. But who are they really? What are their values? And what level of commitment are they looking for? 

When you’re online dating with the intention of finding a partner and real commitment, it can be hard to decipher who is on the same page. And the “swiping” culture doesn’t help with clarity… Physical attraction can become the highest value and maybe you’re basing that first impression solely on their profile picture. Or maybe you’re only looking for casual sex, no strings attached. What’s important is being clear and upfront about your intentions and what level of commitment you’re looking for! Without communicating this, somebody could be hurt. Authenticity will prevent things from getting lost in translation and save everyone’s time. 

Online dating can be tricky… and putting yourself out there can be a little scary! So, when you set up your online profile, ask yourself: Who am I? What do I need? What qualities are important to me in a partner? What kind of commitment and connection am I looking for? And then, make those values very clear on your profile. 

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Why is makeup sex so hot?! Emotions are so raw in the moment… and anger can be arousing! The passion is mutual and therefore, even hotter! Energy is high, inhibitions are low, and both partners are present. Distance is created when fighting and the act of makeup sex literally bridges that distance. The most threatening part of a relationship is right before the makeup scene… the riskiness. Which is why the experience of overcoming those fears together feels even better. It’s the mutual affirmation that brings greater connection—which equals greater sex! 

But how can we skip the fighting and distance altogether and still get this kind of passion in everyday sex?! What risks can you take together that will bring you closer? It’s about being present in the moment together… Maybe it’s going on a high-adrenaline date together like skydiving. Or meeting in a bar as strangers! Even taking emotional risks and revealing vulnerable parts of yourself can be arousing...

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Let’s open the door to the erotic mind of a female…What do women fantasize about? What gets them hot?

Not just fantasizing in the moment—but even daydreaming can be exciting. Our minds are designed to wander… Women often turn the switch “on” by thinking about old memories, fantasies, romance novels, movies, etc. These scenarios and thoughts tend to have more of a romantic narrative than men. There can be more emotional connection involved sometimes, but women also fantasize about being “taken” and respond to a man’s powerful, dominating sexual energy! There is no shame in whatever your fantasies may be, and it can be freeing to express those with your partner! If exploring those fantasies together increases your engagement and keeps you present in the moment—it’s a good thing! Creating the safety to have these conversations is a great start that will lead to a deeper connection.

In this week’s episode, Laurie shares her perspective on the erotic mind of women with George, and together they break down the themes of female arousal...

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Why do men struggle with expressing their emotions? Often they’ve spent much of their lives learning how to avoid feeling vulnerable at all costs—adhering to values such as toughness, assertiveness, logic, disciple, and confidence. They are trained to feel like expressing their emotions is a “weakness,” making them reluctant to embrace being vulnerable. How can we help men/ emotional withdrawers open up and be vulnerable? 

As a partner, you can encourage vulnerability by creating safety. A soft approach is important to reassure the withdrawer that they aren’t doing anything “wrong.” Being too pushy can make the withdrawer more defensive and retreat. When initiating a conversation, it should be an invitation—not an accusation.

Being vulnerable can take time... so pace it and celebrate the little wins! We want men/withdrawers to embrace the positive benefits of vulnerability to bring deeper intimacy!

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What are some of the common sexual "blocks" that women experience? Reservations around the idea of sex can come from a number of things – religious values, guilt and shame, body image and acceptance, or society's perception of female sexuality. These inhibitions can shut down the erotic mind completely... How can females overcome these hindrances and develop a healthier relationship to sex?

Listen to this week's episode as Laurie & George answer questions from fans!

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Pursuers become burned out after being turned down time and time again... This rejection causes them to lose their confidence and be more cautious. How can men get back their sexy confidence and energy that women crave?! 

Great sex NEEDS communication! Pursuers have to change their relationship to getting feedback- welcoming it instead of perceiving it as criticism and pushing back. 

Men need to champion themselves internally with affirmations- talk yourself up, you handsome devil!

Take charge like a 21st century pirate- with communication and strong energy!

Borrow some mojo from other roles in your life where you do feel confident and in your element!

Fantasize about a different, more confident you...Rocky in the bedroom! The pirate, the caveman!

Listen to Laurie and George talk about the ways that men can get their mojo back after being shot down...

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In early dating years our partner’s face lights up at the thought of sex, they tell us with their eyes that we make them hot. The gleam in their eyes hits our body, hits our center, hits our being.  Feeling that we light up their world is a turn-on!

Secure attachment begins with the loving gaze of our mother or parent – cradled in the crook of their elbow – they smile and coo because we are theirs.  Later in childhood we know we belong and make our parents proud when we see it in their eyes… not so much for our accomplishments but because we are their son or daughter. 

In romantic partnership, sexual desire that radiates from our partner’s face and gaze is a powerful reminder of belonging, safety. We revel in being the person who excites our partner.

What happens though when our partner is willing to have sex but doesn’t give us that deep reassurance that we are desirable with a gleam in their eye? Can we get it back? How do we tell them what we need from them to turn on?  Listen as George and Laurie get through to each other about how sexual desire is tied to being the gleam in our partner’s eyes.

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Have you lost your confidence in bed? Anxiety is a sex killer. Whether it’s anxiety over your performance, being vulnerable, being naked, expectations of yourself, or of what sex is supposed to be like… any of these might interfere with pleasure, communication, self-esteem, and connection.  

This week, EFTers, Trainer Dr. Zoya Simakhodskaya, Ph.D. and Supervisor Michael Moran, LCSW, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, CST join George and Laurie to talk about how playfulness is the antidote to anxiety when making love!

Join us, as four sex therapists&couples counselors share how to start with a light, playful mood to shift the energy. Breathe and be powerful in overcoming any root of anxiety in bed. Can’t beat the fun or experience present in this episode as these two experts teach and tell their stories about helping couples change their sexperience from fear to confidence.

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How do you feel about having sex during your/her period?

There can be a negative connotation to intercourse during a woman's menstrual cycle that goes way back in history. This interpretation of a woman being "unclean" when menstruating is outdated- it's a natural, healthy, and beautiful thing! Even the word "period" makes most men uncomfortable and a topic they tend to avoid. At the same time, women are often taught to not talk about their cycle and are worried about the shame aspect... This is an important conversation to have...often men and women both have some resistance to having sex during her period. But, sex is always messy! 

We talk a lot about cycles, the pursuer/withdrawer, but how do couples see the menstrual cycle as their cycle? Not her cycle? How can it be something that they they do together and use this cycle to unite? They want to be there for each other when the other is down and not feeling so great... So wouldn't this also be a fantastic opportunity for vulnerability for couples? This is also a great time for non-sexual touching! Hormonal changes during this cycle can make you more sensitive and feel crappy...so maybe she needs more nurturing, comforting, or cuddling during this time!

Is this a conversation you've had with your partner?

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Premature ejaculation is very common, but also very treatable. It can be caused by a number of things such as performance anxiety, biological factors, early experiences with sexuality, or relationship issues. Sometimes it is related to the way that boys learned to masturbate "quickly" in their teenage years. Both men and women tend to have control over masturbating, but the body can be triggered too early with excitement or fear during intercourse.

Things like pornography set up unrealistic expectations for sex and how long it lasts. When in reality, the average intercourse is about 8 minutes! Premature ejaculation averages about 1 minute. This can create certain expectations that men have for themselves which results in pressure and anxiety. This anxiety is often the reason for early climax. With sex, there can too much focus on orgasm, and not enough on intimacy! Being present and focusing on a deeper connection can help.

In this week's episode, we'll talk about ways to overcome this problem!

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Jump into 2021 with a sense of direction for your relationship! Join sex therapist Laurie Watson and couples therapist George Faller as they talk about setting intentional relationship goals in 2021.

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The point of the holidays is to share love and connection! It's also a great time to spur meaningful conversations!

Set aside time to ask each other questions like:

What’s your earliest Christmas memory?

What is your favorite part of Christmas?

What was your favorite gift?

What was your worst Christmas and why?

What was your best Christmas and why?

The simplest of questions can lead to a deeper conversation. Sharing memories and stories can be a great tradition to start!

What are some of your favorite holiday traditions?

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The holidays are busy for everyone! But you can't forget to make time for your partner... Let's talk about the 5 love languages and ways to express your love during the holiday season.

Gary Chapman's five love languages describe how we receive and give love:

-Acts of Service

-Receiving Gifts

-Quality Time

-Words of Affirmation

-Physical/Sexual Touch

Do you know your love language? What about your partner's? We all want to feel loved and appreciated, but in different ways. We may be more responsive to certain love languages than others. 

But, we need all five! If you put them all together, it gives room for major growth in your relationship. Little reminders can go a long way- simple things like helping wrap presents, taking over chores, sitting by the fire together and watching a romantic movie, telling your partner how much you appreciate them, mistletoe kisses or a massage! Listen to hear our suggestions on how to speak your partner's love language during the holidays.

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Originally identified by Freud, the “madonna/whore complex” is the inability to maintain sexual arousal in committed, long-term relationships. It is the split between the softhearted and sexual currents in male desire. Freud wrote “where such men love they have no desire, and where they desire they cannot love.” Men want to keep the two separate- they desire a sexual partner who is sexy and promiscuous, while they cannot sexually desire the respected partner. Women in particular split themselves- whether it’s the all-giving, loving mother madonna or the fun, sexy party girl. It can be hard to merge the two! The difficulty when you're in a committed monogamous relationship, is this how do we let both parts of ourselves out? And how do we see both parts in our partner. The same applies to women and their conflicting desire for the “caveman/co-partner!” 

Don’t settle for either/or! How can you have both? Sometimes this requires re-eroticizing your partner, taking risks, and rekindling the lustful side of yourselves. What Freud was missing was...you need secure attachment to make it work! In order to bridge the divide of how to feel safe while also bringing out that lustful side, you need clean ways of communicating that create safety in your relationship. That integration is the key!!

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Women who have felt or seen their partner’s anger will not be able to feel his erotic vibe.  Sexual pursuers can become demanding when their partner isn’t responding to their attempts at intimacy. Their frustration can keep increasing and eventually boil over and become anger (COVID definitely hasn’t helped with impatience!) While anger can sometimes provide quick change in the short-term, it is not sustainable in the relationship long-term. In the long-term, anger can slowly disintegrate the relationship and feeling of safety. 

Men and women can both be hot-tempered! However, an angry man can unconsciously frighten a woman by his intensity, strength and size. For a man, moving out of a place of silence into a place of speaking and expressing your feelings is important - the manner in which you do this is more important. Even if you have no intention of physically acting on your anger, it may shut down your partner’s sexy feelings. Hear what Laurie does to respond to a roleplay of George’s anger by 1) not responding in kind 2) being firm and 3) removing herself when the anger reaches the point of abuse.

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This one comes at you fast! George and Laurie talk through a variety of sex acts that couples choose to liven things up. No judgements just a curious exploration of what might turn a monogamous couple on and why. With lots of laughter, they talk through where to do it, what you might try, how to reduce some anxiety when trying new things - everything from sexual positions to taking control to role play. If you’d like to receive the list Sexual Variety for you and your partner to talk about - email us at info@foreplayrst.com

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How can you and your partner align your emotional and sexual cycles? 

We can be on different planets sometimes when it comes to these cycles, but when they align with each other they are more consistent. Finding an intersection between your emotional and sexual cycles requires both partners to take risks. However, you may not recognize each other’s attempts! 

Sexual pursuers often look for connection through physical touch...they are being vulnerable by initiating. They are trying to make repair without words, but the withdrawer may not see this attempt because they need words. The withdrawer may perceive it as their partner “only wanting them for sex” which can add to the pressure and make them pull away. The pursuer then perceives this as rejection to their attempt for connection. This miscommunication is what causes us to get lost in a negative cycle. 

When the withdrawer takes a risk to open up sexually and lower their defenses, they are also being vulnerable. Again, flexibility from both partners is key; having the mindset of “let’s see what can happen…” 

Sex can be a great repair; it can bring you closer together and help you get to a place of connection to then talk about hurt feelings and emotions with each other.

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Can willingness replace desire? Are you wanting or just willing to have sex? Sometimes willingness can mean being vulnerable and communicating with your partner about your needs, anxieties, desires, and what you are comfortable with. Simply opening a safe space for conversation can make a world of difference. Both partners want to be heard and responded to simultaneously and that's hard to do when emotions are so prominent. Who is initiating vulnerability and bringing it up? If a withdrawer takes the risk to initiate a conversation or explain their anxieties, the pursuer needs to keep focus on the withdrawer. The way that the pursuer chooses to responds makes a big difference in the outcome. It's not a time to compare your pain, or feelings of rejection, because that will only increase the pressure and their sense of failure. Instead, listen to them, address their hesitations, and make them feel safe. For pursuers, it can be so frustrating when the withdrawer doesn't want to talk, so it's important to voice your appreciation for their vulnerability. Withdrawers, be open to taking a leap! Never force yourself to do something your body doesn't want to- but maybe use willingness as starting point, not desire. Be willing to make love in hopes that your body starts to respond. Take time for pleasure, the goal is to connect and be present with the person you love. Pursuers, this requires patience. Start with the understanding that it may not lead to sex or orgasm and be open to connecting in other ways. This takes off so much pressure for the withdrawer! A strong relationship needs both partners to be willing to be vulnerable emotionally, physically, and sexually. The goal is good enough or resilient sex. This requires lots of flexibility and adaptability!

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Mailbag!! George and Laurie answer questions from the Foreplay Fam in this week’s episode! They’re talking all about unrequited fantasies, compromise, and vulnerability. Sexual fantasies are extremely common; in fact only 4% of men and 14% of women report NOT having fantasies. A listener talks about a fantasy of an old lover and not being able to get it out of her head. While this one may be a block to emotional connection, fantasies can also be mined for good information about what turns us on. And some partners feel comfortable and like sharing their sexual fantasies as a way to grow learn and get aroused with each other. Sexual improvement requires vulnerability and willingness to talk about your sexual needs. Discuss with your partner what they are comfortable with and address any of their concerns. Compromise is important in any relationship. While we want people to feel respected sometimes we might do something for tour partner out of love in order to just make our partner happy. It’s all about communicating these things! Listen to this week’s mailbag episode now to hear more of your questions answered!

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What should a woman think about a man who doesn't initiate sex much and doesn't even seem to want it?  She wonders if he's even attracted to her. Laurie and George explore his mind, heart and body's experience before, during and after sex to see what really goes on, what his secret fears and hidden insecurities are. 

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What does resilient sex look like in a female? George and Laurie take another look at how a different woman - a sexual pursuer - might answer questions about her experience pre, during & after sex for her erotic mind, her heart, her body and her genitals. It makes sense why she would want to connect sexually when all 4 categories are so high during the sexual experience.

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Sex during COVID (still!) - while kids are home, while we're stir-crazy, closeness is feeling claustrophobic; and we've got the big sex killer - stress! Sigh. And the forecast is for .... more home time. Who knew in April we'd be looking at lockdown for a much longer time. Are you bored in bed? Need a bit of encouragement to keep it hot? Here's some help!

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Thinking about getting married and want to make sure sex is good and you stay emotionally connected? Never had these important conversations about basic sexual expectations? Set yourself up for success!  Couples often believe all of marriage is going to be like George’s example of  the “high road” – the great dinners, great sex and good times but we also want couples to have success during the “middle road” – the grind like paying the bills and the low road – dealing with their insecurities and vulnerabilities.  Especially, George and Laurie emphasize the importance of learning to talk about sex and direct couples to have the who, what, when, why conversation.  If you’ve never had these conversations you can jump right in now and make things better.  What so obvious later,  needs to be worked out early.  Who should initiate?  What are you going to do in bed? When is the best time for sex for your energy?

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George and Laurie talk with Dr. Polly Watson, MD (no relation!) about all the new exciting advances in sex medicine to find out what helps. We discuss the O-shot, hormones, female desire drugs, toys, Scream-Cream; JoyGell, even sex robots for a laugh! Find out what works and what is fun!!

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With the average Joe and average Jane so different in their approach to sex and the ways and timing of arousal, what can a couple do to close the arousal gap? Join sex therapist and author Dr. Laurie Watson and couples therapist George Faller as they talk about how to negotiate the differences.

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This week it is Average Jane's turn! Join sex therapist and author Dr. Laurie Watson and couples therapist George Faller as they talk about what the sexual experience for an average woman is and how to improve their sex life!

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George wants men to have a method to improve their sexual game in 3 zones—pre-sex, during sex and post-sex in 4 different areas: heart, mind, body, and genitals. Twelve variables for guys who like stats to measure their self progress. George gets into specific numbers for the average Joe in each area and has a plan for what they can do if they don't like their own assessment.

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