PABLO TORRE FINDS OUT

As the Denver Broncos crumble all around Russell Wilson, the superstar quarterback has never been more fascinating. Or more unknowable. But Nate Tice was Wilson’s backup, roommate, and occasional speechwriter at the University of Wisconsin. And to hear these college confessions — about a shirt-tucked, Timberlake-loving try-hard, who is possibly from outer space — is to finally understand the weirdest athlete on Planet Earth.

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This year, Emmy-winning screenwriter Cord Jefferson (Watchmen, Succession, The Good Place, Master of None) has become a major Oscar contender for his directorial debut movie, American Fiction. So we wanted to ask Cord the truth about awards, competitiveness, race, external validation, and happiness. Also, the Men In Black soundtrack.

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/4O3jaJ1TN94

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You may remember him as the paternity-test king of fever-pitch daytime television. But this renaissance man has seen it all — the JFK assassination, Waco, a woman who's afraid of aluminum foil — and he has emerged an optimist. Climb into your TV for wisdom on courage, vulnerability, and reassurance from the OG who held up Pro Bowlers at practice... and introduced the world to Cotton Ball Man.

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Pablo only understands the true meaning of making this show, not the holiday season. So the ghosts of Christmas break pay him a visit, to pay it forward with recommendations for reality shows and Christmas songs, plus an important investigation into the truth about Santa Claus. May bonus content bless you, everyone.

PTFO-approved xmas playlists:

Charlotte Wilder's Christmas-Song Christmas Songs

Cortes's Holiday Mix

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/DlGMJ4GO7Oo

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"Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse" is the PTFO Movie of the Year™ but how does all this comic-book content feel so new, when constraint is supposed to be the mother of creativity? Also: Will Marvel explain away Jonathan Majors? Can you actually draft an all-white Pro Bowl roster, with so much "reverse racism" against cornerbacks? And how can we all be a little nicer next year?

Further content:

"I'm sick of average white guys commenting on football...." (@R_Mendenhall)

The Spider-Man Problem (Planet Money)

Marvel, Disney drop actor Jonathan Majors after he's convicted of assaulting his former girlfriend (AP)

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/4hiz7wbx6ws

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You may remember Smush Parker from his very public, lopsided beef with the late Kobe Bryant, but there is so much more to the arc of Smush's life story — from being a toddler raised inside "The Cage," in New York City, to bringing up the ball right before "The Malice at the Palace" began. And now, it turns out, Smush Parker is committed to another shocking quest: become the fourth former NBA player, ever, to become an NBA referee.

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/ZWFEMq7prXc

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What if the afterlife sounded like a pro wrestler? Does Vivek Ramaswamy have the nuts for a pay-per-view debate with Pablo? And how the hell do you get out of a gym membership? Plus: enormous dildos, dong tennis, cock-adjacent merch, Harry Houdini's quads, and several special ringside appearances.

Further reading:

NJ Bill Would Allow Consumers to Cancel Gym Memberships Online and Easily (Asbury Park Press)

Using A.I. to Talk to the Dead (The New York Times)

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/-SwgmSvrpwU

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As a teenage prankster crashing the football transfer window, Kieran Morris juiced the Wikipedia page for an obscure player across the globe, and word spread from London to the MLS of a legend in the making: The Honduran Maradona. Ten years later, our correspondent finds out what really happened to Alexander Lopez.

(Adapted from an episode of Sports Explains the World)

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/-QzVmd8TEjw

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Hersh Goldberg-Polin was devoted to an Israeli football club fighting for peace. Supporters of its rival include far-right Israeli politicians like a national-security minister hellbent on war — and a racist mob. If you want help understanding the Israel-Hamas conflict, Hersh's abduction by terrorists is a window to the world. Correspondent Amos Barshad interviews his loved ones and finds a silver lining.

(Read the companion article at The Lever)

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/R0IoouIfXNc

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Why are we allowing the most flagrant liar in American politics to shamelessly Cameo-wash himself with direct-to-consumer content? Is it so unreasonable that Shohei Ohtani isn't handling his free agency like the American sports media wants him to? And about that sports media: Are the olds — and words — about to get left behind? (Plus: farts in a jar and the ballad of the teacup Maltese.)

PTFO-approved reading:

Shohei Ohtani's Secretive Free Agency Is a Missed Opportunity for Him and MLB (Buster Olney)

How Gen Z Is Killing Sports Media as We Know It (Alex Reimer)

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/puOmElQS7R8

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The comic, actor, and Daily Show correspondent/president shovels out content with the best of 'em. But he also believes in bombing onstage to learn the optimum level of failure. He believes in using anger to win over an audience — or to find a new favorite team, or to find love. Ronny Chieng believes. Also: watching thousands of hours of Patriots documentaries, torrenting "Around the Horn," dialing up NBA Live, getting Covid based on your fandom... and the best foul-mouthed Bill Belichick impersonation you've ever heard.

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/fX5AnWhP65s

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A fierce debate — about no less than the meaning of intelligence itself — has broken out in the world of football scouting, as star quarterback C.J. Stroud puts together one of the best rookie QB seasons ever... after bombing the new Wonderlic test. But can this S2 Cognition exam actually predict how your brain impacts athletic performance? Pablo puts himself to the ultimate test of mental agility, with a little help from Alex Smith — and with a LOT of expletives.

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/inuwR73XKw0

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No conference-championship weekend in the history of the College Football Playoff has higher stakes than the one upon us right now. And so we turn to John Urschel — newly liberated CFP selection committee member; ex-NFL lineman; and current MIT mathematician — to shed the cloak and drop the dagger. And we learn what actually happens, behind closed doors, as hordes of furious fans demand the favor of a cabal that might be more Office Space than Eyes Wide Shut.

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/EjkxEv7nIBY

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Is the Sports Illustrated A.I. scandal dystopian, funny, or just plain sad? Depends whether you think art has a soul. Are champion athletes predisposed to addictive tendencies? Depends if you think you've gotta be a workaholic a$$hole to create great art. And what's with that commercial for a futuristic hostel on the NFL games? Depends if you're willing to live in a fake utopia. Plus: powdered wigs, Piña coladas, chum buckets, bone saws, flying cars, Faulkner, DiMaggio, the Michael Jordan of being present, and a parliament of owls.

Further PTFO-approved content:

Sports Illustrated Published Articles by Fake, AI-Generated Writers (Futurism)

An Addictive Personality Can Facilitate Sporting Greatness — but What Are the Consequences? (The Athletic)

This Is NEOM (YouTube)

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/8FFp_wqjs5o

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Who runs Magic's extraordinarily earnest Twitter account? Is Wu-Tang really that good at chess? Just how racist is the Oklahoma Sooner mascot? Is Victor Wembanyama the end of human evolution? Also: cotton balls, buttholes, and trolls. You asked, we investigated — with a little help from Rob Lowe, Method Man, Masta Killa, and Killers of the Flower Moon author David Grann.

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/zAJhIrX1vBs

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Politicians don't want transgender people dominating girls' sports. But Ember Zelch just wanted to play softball, and nobody else seemed to mind. She was, after all, the ONLY trans girl officially even PLAYING girls' varsity sports in her ENTIRE state. Pablo travels to Ohio to learn why Ember fought for her right to love sports anyway.

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Pablo investigates a story including, but not limited to, a Duke basketball champion, a World War II treasure hunt, an alleged con man, Bob Marley, Dan Snyder, and an attempt to make history by purchasing the Washington Commanders.

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The FTX founder was a "martian" to the sports world. Why did he spend so much on arena naming rights and superstar endorsements? And how the hell did SBF become friends with TB12? Authors Michael Lewis (Going Infinite) and Zeke Faux (Number Go Up) witnessed the rise and fall of a crypto king. Now we can do the postmortem: “Moneyball, on steroids, gone wrong.” 

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Is Bill Belichick now the grandfather you need to take the car keys away from? Is OnlyFans just selling loneliness? Is OnlyDans a thing? And how close did Dan get to death's door on ketamine? Also: a rooting baby, the jist, and premature dismounts. 

PTFO-approved reading:

Inside an OnlyFans empire: Sex, influence and the new American Dream

Bill Belichick Is About to Get Fired, and Nobody Cares

What If Psychedelics’ Hallucinations Are Just a Side Effect?

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/xpwLxtAbVnU

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What happens when restaurants become gas stations and farts disappear? You don't take food or fragrance for granted, especially around Thanksgiving. David Samson — host of Nothing Personal, gourmand, notorious lover of candy — didn't back down when Covid robbed him of his senses. He adapted, with phantom taste buds and a hedonistic calculus change to make his brain start tasting for him. He even took a Michelin-star vacation to Italy. And he put hot sauce on pretty much everything. So, of course, Pablo challenged him to the ultimate tasteless taste test, courtesy of Hot Ones.

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/f3udcjwHpHU

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The former co-host of Desus & Mero is also a former strip-club manager, crackhouse re-builder, domain-name seller, dead-rat picker-upper, and, by his own admission, a bit of a sad clown. Now, after the end of a beloved duo, "Hollywood Desus" wants to do every job in entertainment as a soloist. Plus: joints in the stairwell, porn in the library, NYC mayor Eric Adams in the club, robots in the kitty litter, how to use therapy as an operating system, and how to export the misery of being a Knicks fan.

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/YhydpKJHrkE

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Action Bronson raps, cooks, paints, hosts, and acts (for Martin Scorsese, at least). He also has philosophical explanations for why A) he never wears pants, B) his go-to move is the headbutt, and C) nothing is better than a VHS tape. But Action Bronson had still never heard of the Accidental Bronson tribute account. Until now. Plus: AOL screennames, robot vacuum murder, and saggy balls.

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/Y8o52aFn1Wc

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Can magic mushrooms help you see God? Are parents more of a danger to their kids than the world? Are we creating a garbage patch in space? Plus: Courtside seats with Jesus, CrossFit vs. witchcraft, bunnies vs. predators, Master Splinter, and mattresses. Lots and lots of mattresses. Also: When we flush, where does the poop go?

Further reading:

God, Magic Mushrooms, and Me (Esquire)

Childhood Independence Is a Mental-Health Issue (The Cut)

Befouling the Final Frontier (The New York Times Magazine)

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/QUDvY5Ls_Eo

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Johnny McEntee went viral before virality, as a trick-shot QB at UConn. He foresaw the rise of Donald Trump, while ordering him KFC on the campaign trail. He was straight out of central casting, but suddenly "Johnny Mac" the quarterback became enforcer-in-chief for the commander-in-chief, running a presidential "Gestapo" and hand-picking cabinet secretaries. Correspondent Devin Gordon meets a Trumpworld action figure and asks: How did this in-over-his-head loyalist get so powerful? And could it happen again?

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/JZGb3Z3Qk68

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Would you clone your dying dog? Why are burner accounts still a thing? And how much do you REALLY care about what other people think about you? Also: Stephen A. Smith mispronouncing Pablo's name (twice), Dan sobbing shirtless in a convertible, and Pablo defending the relative scale of his narcissistic, psychopathic Machiavellianism.

Further reading:

Are Pet Cloners Happy With Their Choice? The Atlantic

HBO Bosses Used ‘Secret’ Fake Accounts to Troll TV Critics Rolling Stone

The Sociopaths Among Us — and How to Avoid Them The Atlantic

Dark Triad Personality Test (If You Dare)

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/xZvtRCuNdPs

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This fall, Emmy-winning screenwriter Cord Jefferson (Watchmen, Succession, The Good Place, Master of None) has become a major Oscar contender for his directorial debut movie, the forthcoming (and deeply funny) American Fiction. So we wanted to ask Cord the truth about awards, competitiveness, race, external validation, and happiness. Also, the Men In Black soundtrack.

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/4O3jaJ1TN94

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It's Shakespearean. It's Freudian. It's a Greek myth with a Real Housewife. Yes, sports fans: Marcus Jordan and Larsa Pippen are getting married. But are they just a reality-TV couple engineered to goose the algorithm? Or is this true romance? Pablo, Cortes, and "Oddball" host Charlotte Wilder listen to their podcast so you don't have to... then confront the Romeo and Juliet of our time with the awkward and essential questions about Michael and Scottie.

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/VOaPwe6d0W8

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Is the NBA's TV bubble about to burst? Is how we consume sports about to change forever? Hear from the man who reshaped the business itself. Plus: Who’s to blame for our misinformation minefield? And what the hell happened to retirement? The jamokes from The Sporting Class explain.

PTFO-approved reading: 

House of Strauss: I'm Not Sure How the NBA Triples Its Rights Fees in a TV Recession https://www.houseofstrauss.com/p/im-not-sure-how-the-nba-triples-its

Vanity Fair: Inside the New York Times Debate Over Its Gaza Hospital Bombing Coverage https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2023/10/new-york-times-gaza-hospital-story

The Washington Post: Older Americans Are Dominating Like Never Before, but What Comes Next? https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2023/10/24/older-americans-working-longer-aging-impact/

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/GsSzvwXkpLE

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Next week, the White House is releasing the first executive order on A.I. in U.S. history. So we asked David Epstein, bestselling author of Range and the best sports-science writer in America, to explain the state of our union. And what humans can do that the best computers still cannot. Even though A.I. still might, uh, wipe out 10 percent of the global population. Plus: Why robots need to be more like First Take — and why our future depends not on humans or computers... but a centaur playing chess.

PTFO-approved reading

David Epstein's Range: https://bookshop.org/p/books/range-why-generalists-triumph-in-a-specialized-world-david-epstein/12472879

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/zbgKzE7SztI

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The most important Joker on the court isn't Nikola Jokic or Novak Djokovic. Indeed, the most popular tattoo among our sports heroes is a villain, and PTFO correspondent Wyatt Cenac is here to interview them about it... as Batman… with a mask on. Could Joker Mode become the new Mamba Mentality?

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/Sc3d9M3jLGI

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Why did Ariel Helwani, our planet’s leading combat sports reporter, use ring girls as human shields at a televised Logan Paul melee? What video game is Katie Nolan mostly living inside? Do you remember the time The Rock actually broke the news that Osama bin Laden had been assassinated? And more.

PTFO-approved content:

https://nymag.com/intelligencer/article/shams-charania-nba-insider-the-athletic-new-york-times-profile.html

https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2023/10/16/were-more-ghosts-than-people/

https://arielhelwani.substack.com/

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The author of the definitive new book on gender in sports, Katie Barnes, explores how The Right ran up the score on progressives in a political messaging war — then offers a modest proposal, from pronouns to hormones and statehouses to schools, that most sane people can agree upon.

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Michael Schur is a legendary comedy writer who calls his TV reboot of the classic baseball film "the best thing I've ever written." (He's written for SNL, The Simpsons, The Office, Parks and Rec, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, The Good Place...) So why didn't his version of "Field of Dreams" ever get made? Also: what happened to the actual baseball field that he built, out there in the cornfields of Iowa? Sports-movie nostalgia has never felt quite so painful. Or surreal.

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What does it feel like to kick a$$ on a game show? Like an athlete in the Albanian brain zone who can't do math. Why doesn't Bill Belichick have to defend his conditional genius? Because we owe him the benefit of sudden doubt. Are you convincing yourself that you don't need therapy? You gotta place your vulnerability somewhere, you know. Plus: Pablo's Process (again), Christopher Meloni's mad energy, Dan's digestive tract... and some tears.

PTFO-approved content:

Final Jeopardy!: Rallying Cries

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8YEqEYAxvo4

If You Think Robert Kraft Wouldn't Fire Bill Belichick, You're Wrong

https://theathletic.com/4950228/2023/10/11/new-england-patriots-bill-belichick-robert-kraft/

What I've Learned: Patrick Stewart

https://www.esquire.com/entertainment/books/a45328198/patrick-stewart-what-ive-learned/

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You may remember him as the paternity-test king of fever-pitch daytime television. But this renaissance man has seen it all — the JFK assassination, Waco, a woman who's afraid of aluminum foil — and he has emerged an optimist. Climb into your TV for wisdom on courage, vulnerability, and reassurance from the OG who held up Pro Bowlers at practice... and introduced the world to Cotton Ball Man.

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Quarterbacks yell it. Gamers revel in it. Bros text memes and hashtags of it. Even Travis Kelce's girlfriend loves it. How did a simple phrase transform from a Jumbotron clap-along into such a ubiquitous exclamation? With apologies to Tom Brady and Lil Jon, correspondent Jeremy Taché searches for the real GOAT of "Let's Go!"

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What really makes coaches good at motivating players? Why does Captain America long to be a dog? And how infuriated is Domonique by Pablo’s case of Content Brain? Also: secret notebooks, celebrity friendships, and (figurative) ball-licking.

PTFO-approved reading:

https://theathletic.com/4926881/2023/10/03/alabama-football-nick-saban-coaching-style-players/ (Kennington Smith III)

https://www.gq.com/story/chris-evans-october-cover-profile-2023 (Zach Baron)

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That guy from Parks & Rec, The Afterparty, and Sonic the Hedgehog has a side-hustle superpower: playing point guard at long-form improvisation. He and Pablo also happened to lose way too much money on NBA Top Shots of Miles Bridges and Bismack Biyombo. Plus: Why Blake Griffin isn’t just funny for an athlete and why Kobe never would’ve made it in comedy. Oh, and a mid-interview poo … and a post-coital orgy.

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In the inaugural edition of our non-mailbag mailbag, Pablo answers audience voicemails with the truth about his TV doppelgänger, Stugotz's bong hits, A-Rod's centaur, Stanford's mascot, poisoned Miami Heat fans, and one of the greatest sports tweets of all time.

Are you looking for answers? Call (513) 85-PABLO

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One year ago, Draymond Green detonated the Golden State Warriors dynasty with a single punch at practice that left a million takes in its wake. Now, Oscar-winning filmmaker Ezra Edelman has an explosive "tip" — the insult you can't hear in TMZ's viral video — to test the bounds of Pablo's journalistic ethics... and set off the sports-media screaming machine all over again.

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What does it feel like to watch football at an NFL head coach's house? Should you really be posting photos of your kid? And... all praise to the scammers? Also: ghost takes, flying slices of cheese, swampa$$ as a resting state, and what happens to the food on reality shows.

PTFO-approved reading:

If I Embarrass My Baby on TikTok, Will He Stay My Baby Forever? (Amanda Hess)

https://www.nytimes.com/2023/09/25/arts/babies-cheese-eggs-tiktok.html

Gen Z Falls for Online Scams More Than Their Boomer Grandparents Do (A.W. Ohlheiser)

https://www.vox.com/technology/23882304/gen-z-vs-boomers-scams-hacks

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As the Denver Broncos crumble all around Russell Wilson, the superstar quarterback has never been more fascinating. Or more unknowable. But Nate Tice was Wilson’s backup, roommate, and occasional speechwriter at the University of Wisconsin. And to hear these college confessions — about a shirt-tucked, Timberlake-loving try-hard, who is possibly from outer space — is to finally understand the weirdest athlete on Planet Earth.

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Deshaun Watson is playing terribly. Does that make it easier to talk about his sexual-misconduct scandal again? Russell Brand is mid-scandal right now. Will his following follow him everywhere? And in happier news: Yes, even if you don't have a kid, you can still be friends with people who do.

Further reading:

Deshaun Watson Not Acting or Playing Like a Franchise Quarterback (Michael Rosenberg)

https://www.si.com/nfl/2023/09/20/browns-deshaun-watson-not-acting-playing-like-franchise-quarterback

The Uncomfortable Reality of Tyreek Hill's Success (Mina Kimes)

https://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/18446978/the-unavoidable-dilemma-talking-kansas-city-chiefs-tyreek-hill

Can Parents and Childless People Be Friends? (Allison P. Davis)

https://www.thecut.com/article/adult-friendships-vs-kids.html

Russell Brand Accused of Rape, Sexual Assaults and Abuse (Rosamund Urwin, Charlotte Wace, Paul Morgan-Bentley)

https://www.thetimes.co.uk/article/russell-brand-rape-sexual-assault-abuse-allegations-investigation-v5hxdlmb6

Russell Brand: In Plain Sight (Dispatches)

https://www.channel4.com/programmes/russell-brand-in-plain-sight-dispatches

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The ESPN host and ex-NFL union president explains why he's not worried about his eulogy, what happened to his candidacy for NFLPA executive director, and what he learned at Harvard Business School. Also: the milk check, the original MySpace, expensive mahogany, and more of Pablo's tortured metaphors.

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Politicians don't want transgender people dominating girls' sports. But Ember Zelch just wanted to play softball, and nobody else seemed to mind. She was, after all, the ONLY trans girl officially even PLAYING girls' varsity sports in her ENTIRE state. Pablo travels to Ohio to learn why Ember fought for her right to love sports anyway.

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Are you part of the silent majority of bad sleepers? Try dressing up like Darth Vader already! What ever happened to the steroid police? We are here for a lower moral high ground! And are you, by chance, cinematically in love? Because the hardest things in life make you feel right. Also: centaur portraits, mouth-breathers, A-Rod’s teeth, and holes.

Further reading:

Why sportspeople are taping over their mouths (Sarah Shephard)

https://theathletic.com/4844743/2023/09/11/why-sportspeople-taping-over-mouths/

The Biogenesis Files (Mike Fish)

https://www.espn.com/espn/feature/story/_/id/36055058/biogenesis-america-tony-bosch-peds-fallout-10-years-later

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PTFO SOURCES: The new Lando show isn't actually a show. Pablo hangs with the screenwriter and rapper to find out how real life inspired he and his brother Donald's award-winning art — and why they're not afraid of internet backlash. Also: evil fortune-tellers, jail baloney, Spider-Man Cartoon Maker, and Jim Carrey's Riddler. Hollywood!

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We found the guy who kicked Mark Zuckerberg’s a$$ on viral video — and the trainers who might've tried to overturn the ref's decision. But did the most powerful unelected man in America really get choked unconscious? And how did Silicon Valley fall in love with Brazilian jiu-jitsu? PTFO correspondent Jay Caspian Kang reports.

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Pablo investigates a story including, but not limited to, a Duke basketball champion, a World War II treasure hunt, an alleged con man, Bob Marley, Dan Snyder, and an attempt to make history by purchasing the Washington Commanders.

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What happens when the guy you played Madden against in high school… is actually *in* Madden? Why does the U.S. Open smell like weed? And who the hell is Pinkydoll? Also: huge calves, saucy shoes, and Dan Le Batard’s wedding.

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