PABLO TORRE FINDS OUT

Comedian Dan Soder has come a long way since the seeds-and-stems days of kitty-litter gravity bongs. After quitting drinking and cigarettes and tethering many super-high people back to Earth, he has — at least temporarily — taken a weed sabbatical, ahead of the amateur holiday for dorks. His fiancée and Pablo... not so much.

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If you want to trace the normalization of weed in sports and America, there is no better ambassador than NBA champion and "All The Smoke" host Matt Barnes. Taking gravity-bong rips to go full "Teen Wolf" in high school? Check. Beating drug tests in college and, uh, having a narc watch him pee — and poop! — during a test in the NBA? Yeah. Smoking with Woody Harrelson on his head coach's balcony, during the playoffs? Really. But the NBA came late to the cannabis party, as "more than half the league… from the superstars to the rookies" got caught in pro basketball's race-baiting, steroid-fearing war on drugs. In a new era of acceptance, marijuana might just help hoopers stop the next Kobe.

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Pablo has unearthed a long-rumored, previously unpublished, for-your-eyes-only video from the summer of 2010, featuring a committee of A-list New Yorkers recruiting free agent LeBron James to the Garden. It may feature one of the biggest revelations in TV history, but let's just say — between a couple former politicians and another convicted rapist — that this tape has aged very, very poorly. Knicks superfans Jason Concepcion (@netw3rk) and Rob Perez (@WorldWideWob) gaze into the ark of the covenant... and cringe.

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It's one of the greatest TV shows in America right now: The Caitlin Clark effect of being David and Goliath at the same time. Angel Reese's ability to provoke and emote. The wisdom and 4D chess of Dawn Staley. And yet, for a TV writer and stand-up comic who's been evangelizing the women's game for decades, this season has been like showing a friend The Sopranos for the first time. Having witnessed March Madness and in anticipation of next week's WNBA Draft, Morgan Murphy and Pablo determine that the ensuing hot takes from sports media's "empire of garbage" may signal that normalization is here to stay.

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Should you believe astrologers who only say what you want to hear? Is there a better way to enjoy life with Gmail, if you're not at Inbox Seven? And what happens when you stop "living nowhere"? Plus: The Strip-Mall Chain Institution Draft, deodorant, Brozempic, tree-knocking, and Other Pablo.

Further reading:

Sports Astrology (Andrea Mallis)

Happy 20th Anniversary, Gmail. I'm Sorry I'm Leaving You. (Ezra Klein)

What the Suburb Haters Don't Understand (Julie Beck)

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Sports video games pride themselves on their simulation of reality. But the most popular ones that Americans know and love — Madden, FIFA, NBA 2K, MLB: The Show — cannot compete with an intensely specific and uniquely important game called Football Manager. Which got so good at simulating soccer that it converted a worldwide army of real-life players, coaches, and executives into genuine obsessives — changing the multi-billion dollar soccer industry itself. PTFO’s London correspondent, Kieran Morris, embarks on a global quest to explain the Football Manager revolution… and jeopardizes his impending marriage in the process.

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How should we react to sex scenes now? Has MrBeast mastered the modern algorithm? And what is the secret formula to ultimate beauty? Plus: Dan's secret iPad game addiction, Papi's hairy belly and dirty fantasies of Quin Snyder.

Further content:

The Death of the Sex Scene (Sophie Gilbert)

The 'Beastification of YouTube' May Be Coming to an End (Taylor Lorenz)

$INCEL Technology

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Pablo's detective agency is back, with serious #journalism for the internet's most burning sports questions: Can halftime acrobat Red Panda get into the Hall of Fame? (Yes! But only with your help.) Why are athletes so good at spitting? (Yuck.) Where did "juicing" start? (Double yuck.) And will "One Shining Moment" ever be replaced? (Wait for it….)

Sign the Red Panda petition NOW: https://www.change.org/RedPandaHOF

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Mat Ishbia is a housing tycoon, and he was supposed to insulate the NBA's house from disgrace. But eye-opening new reporting from investigative startup Hunterbrook Media alleges that Ishbia's company became the country's largest mortgage lender with "a lie." Hunterbrook's Sam Koppelman examines how the owner's competitive management style parallels his approach to basketball and why Ishbia could even be forced to sell the Suns, while Pablo explores how Ishbia's childhood hero — Isiah Thomas — fits into how both the Suns and United Wholesale Mortgage have been operating, behind closed doors.

Further reading:

"The Lie That Made UWM America's Largest Mortgage Lender" (Hunterbrook Media)

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One of the greatest writers in America has a new book, "There's Always This Year," that is ostensibly about LeBron James. But this bona fide MacArthur Genius contains multitudes — and big feelings. About sneakers; sunsets; his probation officer; the revelations of pick-up basketball; Game Sevens; the meaning of "making it"; and why it's totally fine to jump in the air without a plan.

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What do pickup artists get totally wrong about successfully attracting women? Should you get a QR code on your gravestone? And did the three of us make a horrible, horrible mistake by talking about our old blogs in public? Sarah Spain, Charlotte Wilder, and Pablo discuss. ALSO: Mystery's sun necklace; scouting HB9's; crossfit; why your twenties are overrated; Pablog; gender dynamics in media; and the Dan Orlovsky of incels.

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Think about the thing you’ve practiced more than anything else in the world. Maybe it’s painting. Or writing. Or playing the piano. Now imagine you wake up one day and you just can’t do it. You’re not sick. You’re not injured. But that one thing is impossible. It’s called the yips, and even the most talented people in the world experience it. What could cause them to lose their superpowers? And is there anything they can do to get them back?

Today, a special bonus episode from our friends over at Unexplainable, a Vox Media podcast that explores scientific mysteries, unanswered questions, and all the things we learn by diving into the unknown.

New episodes of Unexplainable are available every Wednesday wherever you get your podcasts.

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Pablo convinced Katie Nolan and Amin Elhassan to do something he’s wanted to do ever since PTFO launched: play Spider-Man 2 using the giant LCD screen that normally sits right behind him. And have an entire conversation — about punching through Ikea furniture; Rocket League; AOL screen names; multitasking; the Spider-Man canon; and our personal journeys through video games — while doing it. Which is all to say that this episode is a bit of an experiment. And you can watch it all on our YouTube channel, please:

https://www.youtube.com/@pablotorrefindsout

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Rex Chapman, former Great White Hope and author of the new memoir "It's Hard for Me to Live with Me," traces the fading of an endangered sports species, from his personal history as a basketball prodigy in the American South to the rise of the international game.

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It’s been years since these three friends saw each other, in person. Or even virtually. And so it is our distinct pleasure to relive Pablo’s second-favorite thing that happened during the pandemic. As well as Amin’s most recent global viral humiliation, which now comes with important religious context. And also the digital foundation of Katie’s eternal love for Dan Soder. ALSO: being left on read by celebrities; Crazy Puffs; hand abstinence; the Chinese government; and vaguely racist voice filters.

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The death blow to the NCAA won't be dealt by college athletes unionizing, as historic as that movement is. It will come from a seemingly anonymous man named Jeffrey Kessler: an attorney who also happens to be the greatest sports lawyer of all time. Kessler has fought for everyone from Tom Brady to the U.S. women's national soccer team — and now, after winning in front of the Supreme Court, he's busy changing the very nature of college sports. Pablo invites Kessler into the PTFO studio and pressure-tests whether college athletes could finally wrest what's allegedly owed to them: billions, plural, in past damages from the NCAA.

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What is the line beyond which we need to say Aaron Rodgers shouldn't be taken seriously? And why won't crows pick up trash? Plus: Bone Tomahawk, Inspectah Charles Johnson, the QAnon of architecture, and Project Acoustic Kitty.

Further reading:

RFK Jr.'s VP prospect Aaron Rodgers has shared false Sandy Hook conspiracy theories in private conversations (Pamela Brown and Jake Tapper)

Here's all the dumb sh*t Aaron Rodgers recently said on a conspiracy theory podcast (Sean Keeley)

The Magic of Bird Brains (Ben Crair)

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The story of the NBA cannot be told without Oscar Schmidt, the most prolific scorer in the history of the world. But that hasn't stopped our fellow Americans from trying to do exactly that. So today, with LeBron James on pace to break Oscar's record of 49,737 career points, Pablo travels to glorious Orlando, Florida and sits down with the legend who refused to play in the league, despite getting drafted. And we find out why Oscar's impact on basketball — like his laugh — still echoes through the game today. 

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Prepare yourself for the warm glow of late-'90s nostalgia: In the era of boy-band supremacy (and a little Korn), the 'TRL' countdown was America's high-school cafeteria — a daily election of cool for youth culture. Until one fateful day in music history, twenty five years ago this week, when a chain letter set off a movement to hack the vote. Correspondent Yourgo Artsitas examines whether MTV's shadow government was protecting the the sanctity of our culture... with a lie.

Learn more: https://trolldoc.com/

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What can we learn from the power-grab by NFL prodigy Caleb Williams and his stage dad? Why does Pablo always feel so bad about saying "no"? And how does one begin to argue better? Plus: Uncle Dennis, giant babies and literally sticking to sports.

Further reading:

Caleb Williams and Team Intend on Owning the Process (Kalyn Kahler)

https://theathletic.com/5301341/2024/02/28/caleb-williams-quarterback-nfl-draft-ownership/

The Mind-Boggling Simplicity of Learning to Say 'No' (Leslie Jamison)

https://www.nytimes.com/2024/02/28/well/mind/saying-no.html

Overwhelmed? Just Say 'No.' (Arthur C. Brooks)

https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/02/saying-no-science-happiness/677579/

How Happy Couples Argue (Derek Thompson)

https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/02/how-to-fight-conversation-advice/677594/

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How did the only person who’s ever won multiple Pulitzer Prizes for Criticism develop his sense of taste? Who needs a movie review when we’ve got Rotten Tomatoes and streaming algorithms? And do we even have real movie stars anymore? Wesley Morris, New York Times critic at large, makes the case for professional criticism over customer service. (And why Stephen A. Smith belongs to the proud tradition of camp.)

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The legendary basketball coach has made a comeback at St. John's, which paints him as a role model. But Pitino's past has only become more and more mysterious, beyond the Adidas bribery scandal, a love triangle and so-called Strippergate. Correspondent Tim Rohan speaks to the private investigator who gave Pitino a lie-detector test... then gets a bizarre letter, a late-night phone call and a trip down a rabbit hole that leads all the way toward dirt on the Clintons and the federal investigation into Donald Trump.

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A PTFO listener sends Pablo on a mission to figure out which athlete-branded booze is best. Is it James Harden’s wine? Steph Curry’s bourbon? Can we finally end the LeBron v. MJ debate with a tequila tasting? Pseudo-expert Katie Nolan and real expert Jason Wilson help Pablo get drunk very quickly, and also get to the bottom of whether athlete alcohol is delectable or douchey. Also: spitting, dumping, loam, and a champagne HR violation.

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Is sex a performance-enhancing drug? Pablo and Domonique insert themselves into the debate over "post-nut clarity" with exhaustive research, from a pre-game onesome in the locker room and abstinence as a coaching philosophy, to the stamp of approval from Drake, Megan Rapinoe and actual doctors — Pablo's dad included.

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Do you trust the sanctity of data and proof of objectivity? What if we told you that a guru at the forefront of the analytics revolution... had cooked the books of the NBA, to boost stars of the Jordan era? Correspondent Tom Haberstroh confronts a statistician with an invisible hand — and reveals that the pumping-up of our historical record is more widespread today than even nerds like Pablo had accounted for. The human element, after all, can always grease the wheels.

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We’ve found a dose of optimism amid America’s exhausting gun debate. And it’s located in the incredible life story of Jason Kander: a former Army intelligence officer and political prodigy, knighted by Barack Obama himself, who had to drop out of politics, entirely. But now, one week after the mass shooting at the Kansas City Chiefs’ Super Bowl parade, Kander — a fifth-generation Kansas Citian — tells us how the gun industry’s biggest scam is also its greatest legal strength. And why one relatively unknown piece of legislation, the Protection of Lawful Commerce in Arms Act, is the key to changing everything.

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Why did Jennifer Lopez self-fund an allegorical $20 million “movie” about her life? (And why did all three of us watch it?) How good are we at the Dutch art of doing nothing? (And should we reimagine the concept of “something”?) And, finally, who’s on our personal Enemies Lists? (And why is it FS1’s Nick Wright?)

Further reading:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Osu2N9gysYk

https://variety.com/2024/film/features/jennifer-lopez-this-is-me-now-musical-film-ben-affleck-love-story-1235908364/

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2024/feb/07/the-art-of-doing-nothing-have-the-dutch-found-the-answer-to-burnout-culture

https://www.nytimes.com/2024/02/17/well/bed-rotting-hurkle-durkle.html

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It's easy to shot-shame a player at the free-throw line and athletes who throw funny. From the depths of that bullying and loneliness, though, a revolution is brewing, with adaptations so innovative that they may shame sports themselves. Pablo goes bowling with Jason Belmonte — the two-handed Tiger Woods of the lanes — and learns how to succeed in life while looking kinda stupid.

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Is Tom Brady just going to be a cranky bastard in the broadcast booth? Is Jon Stewart just SUPPOSED to be a cranky bastard on The Daily Show? Will Joe Biden just inevitably be the cranky bastard we need for democracy to survive? And have group chats replaced hanging out?

Further reading:

Why Americans Suddenly Stopped Hanging Out (Derek Thompson)

Return to Bullsh*t Mountain (Sam Adams)

For Voters, When Does Old Become Too Old? (Nate Cohn)

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It was either everything that's right or wrong with America, but the very public relationship between Scottie Pippen's ex-wife and Michael Jordan's son is very much over — deleted Instagram posts, passive-aggressive polls, and all. Miserable Pablo and cowardly Cortes take a victory lap, revisiting how they may have triggered the biggest celebrity breakup of the year.

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America's stratospheric sports power couple joins our Valentine's Day episode — part unnecessary couples therapy, part post-retirement exit interview — with down-to-Earth perspective on marriage, kids, the evolution of acceptance, the limitations of love language, and how to get some in a long-distance relationship. Plus: Trump, kneeling, the tragic humor of a career-ending injury, the metronome ringing in an athlete's brain, and the joy of not working out.

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Pablo's detective agency is back, just in time for Super Bowl Sunday, with the face-melting concert that puts Usher to shame, the flag-football fantasy draft, the most shameless celebrity endorser of all time, and yet more shameless content for the Swifties. Plus: That @ArtButMakeItSports guy has gotta be using A.I., right? What does Pablo's laugh sound like? And is the Miami Heat mascot on drugs?

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We're all desperately seeking self-improvement, so Pablo puts aside the spiritual mumbo-jumbo, puts his friends to the test, and emerges with something like service journalism: how to breathe correctly, exercise better, appreciate your career choices, accept failure, thank your feet, and learn to love your own superpower. (Even if that superpower is using a Jedi mind trick to singe your own thumb down to ash.)

Further reading:

The World's Happiest People All Share These 15 Things in Common (CNBC)

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Jet packs! Double kickoffs! Protest! The helmet-less, hungover superstar with a dynasty at stake! A killer game clock! Unconsciousness! The first Super Bowl was a sh*tshow. So why hasn't anyone seen it? Because the footage vanished for a half-century, only to resurface — with a million-dollar bounty — from an attic in Shamokin, Pennsylvania, and get thrown in a vault under lock and key. Until correspondent Devin Gordon entered the time machine to witness the progenitor of Travis Kelce, feel the primordial ooze from which Taylor Swift may have been formed… and, yes, to open a Playgirl centerfold featuring a man called The Hammer.

Special thanks to Richard Sandomir for his reporting. For more, visit: https://www.nytimes.com/2016/02/03/sports/football/super-bowl-i-recording-broadcast-nfl-troy-haupt.html

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Is the right wing ganging up on two huge things — Taylor Swift and sports itself — precisely because they're huge? Can you go with the flow and still be productive? Why is Elmo — and the internet — making us so sad? Plus: Dan Le Batard's screaming female orgasm.

Further reading:

Why Is the Right So Weird About Taylor Swift? (New York)

How to Have a More Productive Year (The New Yorker)

Elmo Asked an Innocuous Question (The New York Times)

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Float like a butterfly, sting like... a standup comic? Sixty years ago, long before the current golden age of smack talk, a 21-year-old Cassius Clay was nominated for a Grammy, for what should be considered the first diss album — a poetic, heavyweight takedown of Sonny Liston in the lead-up to their epic 1964 title bout. Andscape's Justin Tinsley tracks how this forgotten record led to the name Muhammad Ali, to national conversations around Black Muslims, to Ali protesting the Vietnam War, even to the birth of hip-hop... and the prevention of tooth decay.

Further reading:

The Grammy-nominated Cassius Clay (Andscape)

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At a time when so many are struggling with the regulation of expression, from Elon Musk's X to college campuses to the workplace, why did mixed-martial arts, of all things, rebrand itself as America’s leading bastion of free speech? Ariel Helwani, the sport's preeminent journalist and host of The MMA Hour, traces an evolving policy — from getting censored himself to a homophobic rant going viral — and explains how UFC boss Dana White has made a fortune in the name of “freedom.”

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The third installment in the historic trilogy that is Katie Nolan vs. Celebrity Jeopardy! is a real journey. A journey through word games, organic chemistry, and love itself. Also: video game injuries, Woke Rodney Dangerfield, and not that Lisa Ann.

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For all of the Aaron Rodgers-ization of psychedelics, they remain revolutionary, and the co-creator of Chapelle's Show turned standup comic has the ultimate endorsement: Sure, Amazonian plant tea might make you cry for two hours after drinking it with Chris Rock. But ayahuasca is a mental-health medicine that will also help you fall in love and, you know, feel the presence of God. So relax about the throwing up. Fear not the toad venom, and embrace the white void before the Big Bang. Ignore the football players yammering about "ego death," and consider the possibilities of a road-to-Damascus experience. Or not.

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Quarterbacks yell it. Gamers revel in it. Bros text memes and hashtags of it. And as displayed on live TV in the NFL regular season AND playoffs, even Travis Kelce's girlfriend loves it. How did a simple phrase transform from a Jumbotron clap-along into such a ubiquitous exclamation? With apologies to Tom Brady and Lil Jon, correspondent Jeremy Taché searches for the real GOAT of "Let's Go!"

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Pablo Torre is known for finding out about things, but in this episode, The Cooligans find out about him! 

We're hyped to have fellow Meadowlarker and host of Pablo Torre Finds Out, Pablo Torre, join the show! Pablo, Christian, and Alexis discus Pablo's beef with Marcus Jordan and Larsa Pippen, getting roasted by Dan Le Batard, and being racially ambiguous to other Latinos and Asians. The guys also tease Pablo for his lack of soccer knowledge on ESPN and debate whether it was worth it to miss Messi's first Inter Miami goal for some chicken fingers.

Exclusive content:

https://www.patreon.com/SoccerCooligans

This is where we put everything we shouldn't say 😉

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He is one of the most talented stand-ups in America. But Roy Wood Jr. is also of the most deliberate thinkers about his craft. Roasting Joe Biden? Nerve-wracking as hell. Hosting an awards show? Like performing for LeBron in the locker room before Game Seven. The former Daily Show correspondent explains the affirmation of not succeeding Trevor Noah, the Taylor Swift-proof takeaway from Jo Koy's Golden Globes monologue, the point of getting booed, the power of free jokes... and how he almost ended up as a baseball umpire.

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Who was the human inside the viral bowl-game mascot, and is said mascot still alive? We investigate VERY seriously. Plus: Why are so many women drinking out of the Stanley cup? And what does your depth chart of friends look like? Also: aggressive familiarity, the most arousing mascot alive, raccoon hands, Gronk's beach party, and Pablo's Pogs.

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/g9h-AbjQaXQ

Related (non-beastiality-adjacent) content:

Thirsty after you catch on fire? (TikTok)

What your water bottle says about you (The Los Angeles Times)

How much time does it take to be a close friend? (The Wall Street Journal)

The buddy boost: how 'accountability partners' make you healthy, happy and more successful (The Guardian)

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From LeBron to Deion and Wall Street to Washington, one pervasive term has come to encapsulate a human desire for domination. Correspondent Bradley Campbell heads into the wild — with aerial wolf-hunting, bespoke bear-drugging, and more — to discover that the science behind the "alpha" … is based on a mistake. The new truth, however, may teach even and especially the most gentle among us how to become better leaders.

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/Cx8spsfoUjo

(If you are having thoughts of suicide, you can call or text 988 to reach the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.)

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How does Katie keep dominating at trivia on national television? Is it vase or vahhze? And what in the Nick Saban was that young man doing stuck in an urn? Plus: animal idiom brainteasers, the road warriors of handsome, Kristi Yamaguccimane, going Fahrenheit 451 on "Wings," and climbing the Mortal Kombat totem pole that inevitably leads to Ice-T.

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/7uRc7SbVbkw

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He could be drawing up plays for superstars, after interviewing with the Boston Celtics, Toronto Raptors, and more. But the ESPN commentator and "Old Man & the Three" podcaster has been leading a group of middle-schoolers in Brooklyn, with the same passion and perfectionism that he brought to Duke and then 15 seasons in the pros. If you thought you hated JJ Redick, just wait 'til you get inside the greatest mind in the history of fourth-grade basketball.

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/5m4OQBOhfOM

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A battle over academic freedom is boiling over, beyond Harvard, and Florida governor Ron DeSantis and his cronies have already taken over one college in their effort to win the culture war. But the wildest part is how they're weaponizing an absolutely enormous baseball team to do it. Correspondent Jeb Lund reports on accusations of unconstitutionality — and mascot duplicity — at his alma mater, with a warning about how right-wing activists might use their sports blueprint next.

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/IqNPY0pnQ2E

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Why is Travis Kelce the most famous player in the NFL? How much should you miss booze during Dry January? Where can you get away from everything? Should you trust anyone with really nice teeth? Plus: dorky cussing, human fists, Big Masseuse, 16-beers-deep Chris Cote, and a casual aside about allegedly murdering your roommate.

Further reading:

Kicking the Habit (Slate)

The People Who Brought You Travis Kelce (The New York Times)

They Sold Everything to Go on a 3-Year Cruise. How It All Unraveled. (The New York Times)

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/17UhD1blqNE

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Underground in a Bond-esque bunker. Inside a private club with a league commissioner. Across the table from an executive with a parrot on his shoulder. And, finally, at the courthouse for a global legal drama centered around "a corrupt organization" operating "outside the law": This is how Pablo's boss at Meadowlark Media — and the former president of ESPN — went from a high-stakes, handshake deal... to a knock on the door from the feds... to becoming a government witness. Also: the future of the World Cup, and yachts. Lots and lots of yachts.

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/Gwo4X8XTAVw

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They were raised to chug whipping cream and turn every meal into an all-you-can-eat buffet. But somehow, America’s most popular New Year’s resolution is most embodied by the extreme transformation of none other than offensive linemen. In retirement, these pioneers of gluttony have reverse-engineered themselves physically but also evolved mentally. And as former 315-pounder Mike Golic Jr. peels away the layers beyond the six-pack, with reflections from former colleagues Joe Thomas and Nick Hardwick, he reveals that sustainable personal change goes way beyond the weight.

(If you are having thoughts of suicide, you can call or text 988 to reach the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.)

Watch on YouTube: https://youtu.be/hl8b1iYP5c8

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