Pillow Talks

Hot take: when you finally get initiation right, your entire sex life opens up.

Think about it. No more awkward “was that supposed to be a signal?” moments. No more pressure on just one person to get things started. And no more cycle of rejection and resentment. When initiation feels fun, confident, and mutual, everything else in your sex life starts to feel easier, more connected, and a lot more exciting.

We’re back with a re-air of one of our most popular episodes ever, because initiation is one of the biggest challenges couples face.

💛 In this episode, you’ll learn:

• The biggest mistakes couples make when it comes to initiation (and what to do instead).

• Why one partner often feels all the pressure, and how to change it up and share the spark.

• How to shift from frustration and rejection to connection and desire.

• Practical strategies to make initiation feel exciting, flirty, fun, and hot again.

If you’ve ever felt frustrated, annoyed, or even rejected by your partner’s initiation attempts (or lack of them), this conversation will help you see both sides of the equation and give you totally do-able techniques you can try tonight.

🔥 $40 FLASH SALE : Art Of Initiation 🔥

We’re doing something we’ve never done before. For this weekend only, get our top-selling course, Art of Initiation, for just $40 (normally $89). That’s more than 50% off! Now through Sunday, September 28, 2025

Inside, you’ll learn how to initiate in ways that actually feel amazing for both of you. Trust us, it’s a total game-changer.

👉 Grab AOI here: vmtherapy.com/initiation and use code FLASH40 at checkout.

Links & Resources

👉 E73: Do You Ever “Owe” Sex To Your Partner?: https://vmtherapy.com/episode73

👉 What’s Your Sex Drive Type? Free Download:  https://free.vmtherapy.com/sex-drive-type

👉 E38: You Want Connection, Your Partner Wants Sex. Who Comes First?: https://vmtherapy.com/episode38

👉 E183: How To Get More Emotional Intimacy From Your Partner https://vmtherapy.com/episode183

🎧 Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns. Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods.

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Did you know that 64% of people say they want more foreplay than they currently get? And most people say they wish it was part of every sexual experience.

No wonder foreplay frustrations are so common. Maybe it feels too short, too routine, or like your partner just doesn’t quite “get it.”

The truth? Foreplay isn’t just a warm-up. It’s one of the most powerful ways to feel connected, build anticipation, and experience more pleasure (especially since only 10–15% of women orgasm from intercourse alone).

💛 In this episode, we cover:

• Does foreplay actually count as sex?

• How to ask for more foreplay without hurting your partner’s feelings.

• Types of foreplay beyond handjobs and BJs—like massage, sensory play, toys, and even “choreplay.”

• What to do when one of you wants more foreplay and the other wants less.

• How to talk about your fantasies without feeling awkward.

• Tips for breaking out of a foreplay rut and keeping it playful.

• What to do when your favorite turn-on is your partner’s turn-off.

• And yes… whether it’s okay to not really be into foreplay at all.

Foreplay can (and should) be one of the most exciting and intimate parts of your sex life. And after this episode, you’ll have the tools to make it way more fun, connected, and satisfying for both of you.

✨ Want more foreplay inspiration?

Check out our Ultimate Foreplay Guides. Next level techniques and step-by-step instructions, let’s just say, these guides are our #1 best-seller for a reason!

⁠Links & Resources

👉🏻 Get The Ultimate Foreplay Guides here: http://vmtherapy.com/foreplay

👉🏻 A Survivor's Guide To Reclaiming Your Sex Life After Abuse here: https://vmtherapy.com/freebies

🎧 Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns. Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

⏰ Timestamps

00:00 – Intro

10:54 – When your partner won’t give foreplay

18:25 – Tips for talking about foreplay

23:25 – Exploring different types of foreplay

31:00 – I want more foreplay, my partner wants less: finding middle ground

37:55 – How to start the conversation about foreplay

40:47 – How to mix things up in the bedroom

45:49 – I don’t want to give blowjobs, but my partner loves them

55:54 – Women who don’t like foreplay

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THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

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Aging is inevitable. But letting your sex life fade away? Nope.

This week, we’re tackling one of our most requested topics ever: sex and aging.

We’re answering your biggest questions about how intimacy shifts as the years go by: from libido changes, to navigating menopause, to keeping things hot.

💛 In this episode, we cover:

• How old is too old to have sex (spoiler: never)

• What to do if your libido and your partner’s don’t line up anymore

• Navigating perimenopause and helping your partner understand it’s not about them

• Feeling sexy in a body that doesn’t look like it did at 20

• How to manage vaginal dryness, erectile changes, and shifting anatomy

• Creative ways to keep intimacy exciting even when it feels like you’ve “done it all”

And you’ll also hear sweet (and funny) messages from listeners who say that sex in midlife and beyond is actually the best sex they’ve ever had.

You’ll also hear some of our favorite messages from listeners in their 40s, 50s, 60s (and beyond!) about why sex actually gets freer, hotter, and more confident with age.

Because here’s the thing: aging is inevitable. But a boring sex life? That’s optional.

✨ Ready to spice things up at any age? Our Ultimate Sex Guide is your roadmap to better intimacy. Inside, you’ll find:

• 42 step-by-step positions with illustrations, tips, and playful modifications

• A workbook + printable cards to track your favorites (and keep things exciting)

• Expert tips and troubleshooting for when sex doesn’t go as planned

• An audio version so you can get quick, shame-free guidance anytime

Whether you’re looking for fresh inspiration or new ways to connect, The Ultimate Sex Guide will help you discover just how good sex can get!

Check it out here 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/ultimate

Links & Resources 

Get our sex positions playbook here 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/ultimate

E215  Mismatched Sex Drive Types: The #1 Reason Couples Struggle With Desire 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/episode215

E121 When She Wants It More: Navigating Mismatched Libidos When The Woman Has A Higher Drive 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/episode121

🎧 Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns. Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

Timestamps 

00:00 – Intro

03:38 – How old is too old to have sex?

11:12 – How does libido change with age?

16:22 – When does a drop in libido become a health concern?

19:18 – Navigating perimenopause with your partner

33:31 – Body image and aging

39:34 – Best sex positions for older couples

44:34 – Vaginal dryness and aging

46:18 – Does your labia shrink or change with age?

49:52 – How to keep your sex life exciting as you get older

54:03 – Trouble staying hard as you age

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

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There is absolutely zero shame in using toys in the bedroom. In fact, they can be a game-changer for pleasure, intimacy, and just plain fun.

Whether you’re curious about where to start, nervous about how your partner might react, or worried about your kids (or pets!) discovering your stash, we’re covering it all in today’s episode.

We’re also sharing some of the funniest (and most relatable) real-life sex toy stories you sent us. Because if you’ve ever had a vibrator confiscated by your toddler or opened a box of anal beads in front of your in-laws, you are definitely not alone.

💛 Here’s what we’re diving into:

• The best starter toy for women

• How to talk to your partner about wanting to use toys (without hurting their feelings)

• Whether orgasms feel different with a toy

• Why it’s totally normal if toys aren’t your thing

• Talking to men about male sex toys

• Using toys solo vs. with a partner

• How often to use toys (and why your partner should never “hand you off” to one)

• The best ways to store your toys so kids or family don’t stumble across them

• Hilarious (and mortifying) real-life mishaps from our listeners

If you’ve ever had questions about sex toys and tools or just want a good laugh at the stories we’ve collected — this one’s for you.

Resources & Links:

Our sex toy recommendations ➡️https://vmtherapy.com/recommended-products

Episode 172 How to Bring Toys Into the The Bedroom Without Making it Weird ➡️https://vmtherapy.com/episode172

❤️ Ready to go deeper? Sex toys are just one way to keep things fun and connected in your relationship. Inside our monthly membership Deeper, you’ll get:

• Expert-led guides and courses on intimacy, pleasure, and communication

• Two brand-new date night ideas every month (one cute, one sexy)

• Monthly live calls with us where you can ask us your questions directly

• Unlimited access to Vanessa AI — your 24/7 virtual sex + relationship coach

• A private, supportive community of couples working on the same goals

Whether you’re brand-new to exploration in the bedroom or just looking for fresh ways to connect, Deeper gives you all the tools, tips, and real-talk support to make your relationship feel exciting again.

💛 Learn more at vmtherapy.com/deeper

🎧 Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.

Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

Timestamps

00:00 – Intro

04:21 – Safety tips: What “For Novelty Use Only” really means

11:11 – Best beginner toy for women

19:24 – How to talk to your husband about toys (without hurting his feelings)

26:21 – Will your orgasm feel different with a toy?

29:03 – Is it normal to not enjoy toys?

30:26 – Can toys make pleasure harder without them?

37:57 – Male partners trying toys for the first time

43:48 – What if you only want to use toys solo (not with a partner)?

48:44 – Should you use toys every time?

53:50 – How to store toys discreetly

55:43 – Funny toy stories

========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks OneSkin. Get 15% off OneSkin with the code PILLOW ➡︎https://www.oneskin.co/ 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Use code PILLOWTALKS for 40% off! And if you get a Post-Purchase Survey, make sure to let them know you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com 👏Thanks Blissy. Get better sleep, hair and skin with Blissy and use PILLOWPOD to get an additional 30% off ➡︎https://blissy.com/PILLOWPOD 👏Thanks Audible. Your first great love story is free when you sign up for a free 30-day trial! ➡︎https://Audible.com/pillow

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The postpartum stage can be one of the hardest (and least talked about) seasons a couple will ever go through.

Your relationship changes. Your body changes. Your sex life changes.

And with all of that comes a swirl of feelings you might not have expected:

• Resentment toward your partner

• A crushing imbalance in the mental load

• Feeling “touched out” 24/7

• Nervousness (or fear) about having sex again

• Worries about your body never feeling — or looking — the same

• The awkward, elephant-in-the-room disconnection that can build over months

In this episode, we’re answering YOUR most personal, vulnerable questions about intimacy and connection after having kids — from being scared to get pregnant again, to changes in sensation, to finding your spark when you feel more like co-managers than romantic partners.

💛 Here’s what we’re covering:

• Why being “cleared” for sex at 6 weeks doesn’t mean you have to be ready

• How to break the silence when it’s been months (or longer) since you’ve been intimate

• What to do if sex is painful after a tear or complicated delivery

• Navigating body image, “too loose” worries, and changes in arousal triggers

• How to reconnect when parenting has taken over every ounce of energy

• Advice for partners who struggle to see their spouse sexually after birth

• The most powerful way a partner can make a new mom feel truly seen, appreciated, and desired

Whether you’re weeks postpartum or years down the road, this conversation is a reminder that you’re not broken, you’re not alone, and you can find your way back to each other.

👩‍👩‍👧 Raise safe, smart & shame-free kids — and build a lifetime of trust so you’re the one they turn to.

From “Where do babies come from?” to “What does 69 mean?” 😳, Beyond the Birds & the Bees gives you the exact words to say in just 5–7 minutes per topic.

A complete digital parenting tool-kit. Think bite-sized, age-by-age audio guides and real-life scripts make even the trickiest conversations easier — so your kids learn about sex, consent, identity, and relationships from you, not TikTok.

Start today ➡️ https://vmtherapy.com/kids

🎧 Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.

Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Live It Up. Use code PILLOW for 15% off your first Super Greens order! ➡︎https://letsliveitup.com/pillow 👏Thanks Lola Blankets. Use code PILLOW and get 35% off your entire order. Experience the world’s #1 blanket with Lola Blankets.➡︎https://lolablankets.com/ 👏Thanks Hungryroot. Use code PILLOW to get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life.  ➡︎https://hungryroot.com/pillow 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Use code PILLOWTALKS for 40% off! And if you get a Post-Purchase Survey, make sure to let them know you heard about Cozy Earth right here! ➡︎https://cozyearth.com/

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Imagine this: your partner sits you down and says they want to open your marriage…

Not for a real-life person.

But for their AI companion.

Sounds like a Black Mirror episode, right? But it’s real.

In today’s episode, we’re diving into the wild, complicated, and very real intersection of AI and relationships.

From romantic connections with chatbots to emotional venting with AI companions, technology is evolving faster than most of us are prepared for. And it’s already showing up in our love lives in some unexpected (and sometimes unsettling) ways.

Whether you’re curious, skeptical, or straight-up concerned, this is a conversation every couple needs to have.

Here’s what we’re getting into:

• The Reddit story that left us both speechless (yes, he wants a throuple with his AI girlfriend 😳)

• Why saying “I don’t use AI” isn’t a real boundary anymore

• The emotional intimacy trap: how AI companions are starting to meet very human needs

• Why venting to AI can quietly erode real-life connection

• The most important questions to ask your partner now about tech, boundaries, and connection

• How to use AI intentionally to strengthen your relationship (not threaten it)

• Real-life examples of how AI can either divide or deepen your bond

🔗 Links + Resources

How to Safeguard Your Relationship From AI We made you a free guide to help you have the talk about AI and your relationship.

Download it here now 👉🏻 https://free.vmtherapy.com/ai

💬 Want even more support? Inside Deeper, our monthly membership, you get access to:

• Vanessa AI: a relationship-focused tool that’s trained NOT to cross boundaries

• Our entire library of core courses + guides on intimacy, sex, and relationships

• Monthly coaching calls with us and two date night ideas every month (one cute, one spicy 😉)

💛 Learn more at vmtherapy.com/deeper

🎧 Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.

Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Audible Romance. Your first great love story is free when you sign up for a free 30-day trial. ➡︎https://audible.com/pillow 👏Thanks ZocDoc. Stop putting off those doctors appointments and start book a top-rated doctor today. ➡︎https://zocdoc.com/pillow 👏Thanks Blissy. Blissy is offering 60-nights risk-free PLUS an additional 30% off when you shop. ➡︎https://blissy.com/PILLOWPOD 👏Thanks Cure. Get 20% off your first order. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOW

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Ever wondered why you have a certain kink? Or if it’s OK to fantasize about someone else during sex? Or maybe you’ve been curious about cuckolding, breeding kinks, or pegging… but didn’t know who to ask. Well some of you asked us! And today, we’re answering your questions about kinks and fantasies. From the psychology of desire to navigating mismatches with your partner, we’re tackling the wild, the vulnerable, and the deeply human side of sexual exploration (as always, with zero shame and plenty of insight). Whether you’re curious, cautious, or kinky AF, this episode is packed with permission, perspective, and practical advice. Let’s get into it. 💛 Here’s what we’re covering: - Why we have kinks (and why you don’t need a “reason” to justify them) - The most common sexual fantasies and what they really mean - The difference between a fantasy and a desire (and how to safely explore both) - Can you fantasize about someone else during sex with your partner? - What to do when your fantasy doesn’t match your partner’s - How to explore pegging, role reversal, and butt stuff (without shame) - The sex club fantasy (that’s not about group sex) - Navigating gender play, lingerie, and makeup with confidence 🔗 Links & Resources - Episode 53: How To Spice It Up In The Bedroom: Exploring Kink For Beginners 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/episode53 - Justin Lehmiller’s Tell Me What You Want (Science of Sexual Fantasies) 👉🏻 https://sexualhealthalliance.com/justin-lehmiller-science-of-fantasy - Episode 213: What Do Men REALLY Think About…? Part 3 (Doggy Style, Aging, Leg Hair & More!) 👉🏻https://vmtherapy.com/episode213 ❤️ Ready to go deeper? Your questions deserve more than just a quick answer. Inside our monthly membership Deeper, we help you actually take the next step — with expert-designed tools, guided content, live sessions with us, and unlimited access to Vanessa AI (your 24/7 virtual sex and relationship coach). 🎉 Podcast listeners get 25% off your first month! Use the code PILLOW at checkout right here 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/deeper ✅ Stay Connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns. Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods! Timestamps 00:00 – Why we have kinks 08:27 – 7 most common fantasies 11:25 – Difference between kinks and fantasy 19:03 – Cuckolding 25:30 – Fantasizing about other people during secs 30:15 – Breeding kink 32:32 – Sex club with spouse 39:15 – MMF threesome vs. MFF 43:46 – Male anal play & pegging ================================= THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ================================= 👏Thanks Remi. Use code PILLOW at checkout for 50% off. ➡︎ https://shopremi.com/PILLOW 👏 Thanks Splash Blanket. Use code PILLOWTALK for 15% off. ➡︎ https://splashblanket.com 👏Thank you goPure. Get 25% Off with code PILLOW ➡︎ https://www.gopurebeauty.com/pillow 👏Thank you Cozy Earth. Use my code PILLOWTALKS for 40% off. And if you get a Post-Purchase Survey, make sure to let them know you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎ https://cozyearth.com /PILLOWTALKS

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The female orgasm: we’ve talked about it a lot over the years, but it never stops being one of the most requested, most misunderstood, and most fascinating topics we cover.

In this episode, we’re flipping the script and looking at orgasm through a partner’s eyes. What does it mean to be supportive? How can you tell if she’s actually orgasming? And why is it so inconsistent? We’re answering your most Googled questions, plus the ones you’ve been too embarrassed to type into a search bar.

Here’s what we’re getting into:

• Why women fake orgasms (and what to do about it)

• What to say if your partner has never had one before

• How to know if she’s really having an orgasm

• The truth about female performance anxiety

• Which positions are best for helping her O

• How to help her experience multiple orgasms

• G-spot orgasms and squirting: can you make them happen?

• What to do while she’s orgasming (hint: don’t freeze!)

• How to make it last longer + aftercare

🎓 Check out Finishing School™

💦 And if you haven’t heard, we’re also celebrating the 10-year anniversary of Finishing School!

It’s our proven, step-by-step course that helps women finally experience reliable, pleasurable orgasms.

Whether you’ve never had one or you want to deepen your pleasure even more, this course will meet you exactly where you are.

Here’s what’s inside:

• A full, technique-driven curriculum to teach you how to have as many orgasms as you want, whenever you want

• The Pleasure Bundle: Ultimate Foreplay Guides + Ultimate Sex Guide

• 3 months unlimited access to Vanessa AI

• 2 LIVE Support Track Coaching Calls with us!

• Lifetime access to go at your own pace

• And a 30-day, pleasure-guaranteed, money-back promise

💛 It’s personal for me (Vanessa). I struggled with orgasm for years (even as a sex therapist) and this course is everything I wish I’d had.

👉🏻 Go to https://vmtherapy.com/orgasm to discover just how good it can get.

👉🏻 Access The Truth About Female Orgasm Replay https://free.vmtherapy.com/truth

🎧 Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.

Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

⏰ Timestamps:

00:00 – Intro

04:00 – Why do women fake it?

12:50 – How to be a supportive partner

25:38 – Can I tell if she's orgasming?

26:25 – Do some women not need to finish?

31:45 – Can women have performance anxiety about orgasms?

33:06 – Best positions for female pleasure

38:27 – Why are female orgasms inconsistent?

42:56 – How do I get my wife to have more than one 0?

46:42 – G-spot orgasms and squirting

47:58 – What am I supposed to do while she’s coming?

49:33 – How to make your partner’s 0 last longer

================================= THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ================================= 👏Thanks Quince. Free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. ➡︎ https://quince.com/pillow 👏 Thanks Chewy. Save $20 on your first order with free shipping.➡︎ https://chewy.com/pillows 👏Thank you Hungryroot. Get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for LIFE. ➡︎ https://hungryroot.com/pillow 👏Thank you Audible Romance. Your first great love story is free when you sign up for a free 30-day trial. ➡︎ https://audible.com/pillow

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You’ve probably heard people say, “Oh, you’ll just know.”

But what if… you don’t know? 👀

This week, we’re diving deep into one of Vanessa’s all-time favorite topics (and the one she first became known for as a sex therapist!): the female orgasm. Whether you’re wondering if you’ve ever actually had one, struggling to feel much of anything, or just desperate to experience the kind of toe-curling, body-melting release you’ve seen in movies — this episode is for you. 💦

We’re answering your most personal, vulnerable, and downright relatable questions like:

• “How do I know if it was an orgasm ?”

• “It felt good… but it was short — does that count?”

• “Everyone says I’ll ‘just know’ but I’m still not sure. HELP.”

• “I’ve only ever had ‘mini’ orgasms — is there something wrong with me?”

• “What leg positions help or hurt the chance of orgasming?”

• “Does a full bladder make orgasms feel stronger?”

• “What does a vaginal orgasm even feel like and how do I know if I’ve had one?”

Vanessa also opens up about her own experience struggling with orgasm (yes, even as a sex therapist), what finally changed things, and the biggest myths that keep women stuck. And if you’ve been feeling overwhelmed, broken, or like you missed the memo on pleasure… this episode will remind you that you’re not alone — and there is a path forward.

✨ PLUS: If you’re a woman who’s struggled with orgasm (or never had one), check out our course Finishing School — the step-by-step system that’s helped thousands of women finally get there. Visit vmtherapy.com/orgasm to learn more.

💛 What You'll Hear:

• The most common signs of orgasm (and why they can look different for every body)

• Real questions from listeners who aren’t sure if they’ve had one yet

• Why some orgasms feel big and some feel… meh

• The orgasm “standard” we’ve all been sold by Hollywood

• Practical tips for recognizing and expanding your pleasure

• How Vanessa’s own orgasm journey inspired her to create Finishing School

🎧 Stay connected:

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.

Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

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You thought last week’s icks were bad? Buckle up, friend.

Because in Part 2, we’re getting into the next-level icks — the ones that make you question everything.

Like… oral sex immediately after intercourse. Or the dreaded dick flop. Or your partner’s casual approach to burping, farting, and forgetting what deodorant is.

These icks go way beyond open-mouth chewing.

We’re talking postpartum rage, peeing with the door open (or worse… the sound), and the surprisingly common hygiene habits that leave you wondering if love really can survive it all.

💛 Here’s what we’re serving up for you:

• The hygiene ick that made one woman reconsider everything

• Why flopping a penis around is not a valid form of initiation (seriously, stop)

• Oral after sex: hot or gross?

• Postpartum icks that no one warns you about

• Peeing, poor aim, and other bathroom-related turn-offs

• The financial icks that hit harder than expected

🎧 Basically, if you’ve ever looked at your partner and thought “ew”… this one’s for you. ‘Cause you know what? Sometimes laughing really is the best medicine.

🔗 Links & Resources

• EPISODE 46: The Hygiene Episode ➡️ https://vmtherapy.com/episode46

• EPISODE 198: Stop Doing THIS If You Want More Sex ➡️ https://vmtherapy.com/episode198

❤️ Ready to go deeper?

Let’s be honest, everyone has an ick or two. But if you’re feeling more disconnected, more irritable, or less turned on than you’d like… it might be time to reconnect in a more intentional way.

Inside our monthly membership Deeper, we help you explore what really turns you on —mentally, emotionally, and physically. You’ll get access to our member library of courses and guides , plus live calls, date night ideas, and support from a like-minded community.

Because when you’re truly connected… the little things don’t ick you out as much.

👉 Join Deeper today. Because intimacy is the whole point. https://vmtherapy.com/deeper

🎧 Stay connected:

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.

Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

================================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ================================== 👏Thanks Remi. Give your teeth a break without breaking the bank with Remiand save up to 50%. ➡︎ https://shopremi.com/PILLOW 👏 Thanks Cure. Get 20% off your first order. Stay hydrated and feel your best! ➡︎ https://curehydration.com/PILLOW

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You love your person… but lately… the sound of them chewing is making you cringe.

You’ve got the ICK. So what do you do? And what does it actually mean?!

This week, we’re breaking it all down for you plus what to do when your partner’s quirky habits suddenly feel like a total turnoff. 🤮

We’re also sharing your ick stories — from when baby talk stops being not cute to when dirty texts majorly backfire.

Whether you’re currently dry heaving on the inside… or worrying that you’re the one giving them the ick… this episode is full of perspective, permission, and practical advice.

💛 Here’s what we’re covering:

• The real definition of an ick (and how it’s different from a red flag)

• What to do when your partner’s behavior starts killing your attraction

• The most common icks (bad breath, loud chewing, weird toenail habits…)

• Your funniest icks from Instagram (you did NOT hold back)

🎧 And don’t worry—we’ve got even more ick stories and questions coming next week in Part 2.

🔗 Links & Resources:

• EPISODE 46: The Hygiene Episode ➡️ https://vmtherapy.com/episode46

• EPISODE 198: Stop Doing THIS If You Want More Sex ➡️ https://vmtherapy.com/episode198

❤️ Ready to go deeper?

Let’s be honest, everyone has an ick or two. But if you’re feeling more disconnected, more irritable, or less turned on than you’d like… it might be time to reconnect in a more intentional way.

Inside our monthly membership Deeper, we help you explore what really turns you on —mentally, emotionally, and physically. You’ll get access to our member library of courses and guides , plus live calls, date night ideas, and support from a like-minded community.

Because when you’re truly connected… the little things don’t ick you out as much.

👉 Join Deeper today. Because intimacy is the whole point. https://vmtherapy.com/deeper

🎧 Stay connected:

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.

Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

================================= THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ================================= 👏 Thanks ZocDoc. Download the ZocDoc app to sign-up for FREE and book a top-rated doctor. ➡︎ https://zocdoc.com/pillow 👏 Thanks Blissy. Get better sleep, hair, and skin with Blissy. Get an additional 30% off ➡︎ https://blissy.com/PILLOWPOD. 👏Thank you goPure. For a limited time, get 25% off. ➡︎ https://www.gopurebeauty.com/PILLOW

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Does this sound familiar? Your partner asks you to take control in the bedroom… and your brain completely short-circuits.

You freeze. You feel awkward. You suddenly have no idea what to do.

If you’ve ever found yourself defaulting to passivity during intimacy—or if the idea of “being in control” feels totally foreign—you’re so not alone.

In today’s episode, we’re asking the question: Are you letting sx happen to you… or are you a active participant during it?

We’re also talking about this from a male perspective: What does it feel like to be the only one initiating or guiding? Do men want their partners more engaged—and what does that even look like?

Whether you’ve never taken the lead before, or you’re just looking to feel more empowered and participatory, this episode is your permission slip—and your how-to guide.

Let’s get into it.

💛 Here’s what we’re covering:

• Why so many women default to passivity in the bedroom

• What men actually think about women taking the lead

• Questions to ask your partner to open up this convo

• What “taking control” can look like—without the pressure

• Simple ways to be more confident and engaged in the moment

🔗 Links & Resources

🔥 The Art of Initiation — our most-loved guide for learning how to confidently initiate intimacy →  http://vmtherapy.com/initiation

✨ Join us inside Deeper to access the brand new Sensual Touch Challenge and finally understand what turns you (and your partner) on → vmtherapy.com/deeper

🎧 Stay connected:

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.

Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

================================= THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ================================= 👏Thanks Splash Blanket. Use code PILLOWTALK to get 15% off. Your peace of mind in the bedroom.➡︎https://www.splashblanket.com 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Get an exclusive discount for up to 40% off. ➡︎ https://cozyearth.com/pillowtalks 👏 Thanks Hungryroot. Get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life ➡︎ https://hungryroot.com/pillow 👏Thanks Skims. Shop SKIMS Fits Everybody collection at SKIMS.com ➡︎ https://www.skims.com/pillow

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Does it ever feel like you and your partner are just never on the same page when it comes to sex?

One of you wants it more often. One of you needs things to be just right. One of you initiates. One of you never does. It can feel frustrating, confusing, and even a little bit lonely.

But there’s a good chance the issue isn’t actually about how much you want sex… it’s about how you want sex.

In today’s episode, we’re breaking down one of the most important tools we’ve ever shared: the two sex drive types.

If you’ve ever felt like your desire is broken—or that your partner just doesn’t “get” you—this conversation is about to change everything.

💛 Here’s what we’re covering:

• The real difference between mental desire and physical arousal

• What it means to be a Spontaneous vs. Responsive type

• Why you’re not low desire… you just need a different kind of start

• How to navigate mismatched sex drives without resentment

• Why your type has nothing to do with gender (but the stats may surprise you)

• How to initiate sex in a way that works for both of you

You’ll also hear a game-changing mindset shift that can help you stop taking it personally—and start working with your differences instead of against them.

Links & Resources

✨ Join us inside Deeper to access the brand new Sensual Touch Challenge and finally understand what turns you (and your partner) on → https://vmtherapy.com/touch

✨ What’s your sex drive type?→ https://free.vmtherapy.com/sex-drive-type

🎧 Stay connected:

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns. Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods! =================================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

=================================

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This week, we’re diving into something that seems simple but holds a lot of power in your relationship: touch.

Whether it's a lingering hug, a soft shoulder squeeze, or just holding hands while watching Netflix — physical touch is one of the most important (and underrated) ways to build connection, intimacy, and trust.

But if you’ve found yourselves touching less — or if touch feels off somehow — you’re not alone. We asked our audience, and:

• 47% said they want more touch

• 37% said they want better touch

In this episode, we’re breaking down why touch is so essential — and why so many couples stop doing it. (Spoiler: it's not just about sex.) Plus, we’re giving you practical tools and one super simple free exercise (takes 5 minutes) to start reconnecting through touch today.

💛 Here’s what we’re covering:

• The emotional and physical benefits of touch (for both of you)

• Why “touch starvation” is real — even in long-term relationships

• The surprising ways you may be unintentionally avoiding touch

• The difference between sexual and non-sexual touch — and why both matter

• What to do if your partner says “touch just isn’t my love language”

• Quick, everyday ways to bring more affection into your relationship (no grand gestures required)

✨ Ready to explore all the ways to touch?

We created The Secret Touch Blueprint to help you and your partner reflect on what kinds of touch feel best to you — and how to talk about it together.

Grab it here → https://free.vmtherapy.com/touch-blueprint

And if doing that exercise leaves you thinking, “Wait… I want more of this,” you’ll love what’s coming next.

This July, we’re launching a 4-week Sensual Touch Challenge exclusively inside our Deeper membership.

It’ll walk you through 8 specific types of touch — from relaxing to arousing — with fun prompts, step-by-step videos, and guided exercises to try with your partner.

It’s designed to bring back the playfulness, the exploration, and the kind of touch that makes you feel again.

💥 Pillow Talks listeners get 25% off their first month of Deeper with code PILLOW → https://vmtherapy.com/touch

Links & resources:

• 👋🏻 The Secret Touch Blueprint →https://free.vmtherapy.com/touch-blueprint

• 💥 Join the Sensual Touch Challenge (starting July 7 inside Deeper) → https://vmtherapy.com/touch

Stay connected:

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.

Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏 Thanks Cure. Get 20% off your first order. Stay hydrated and feel your best! ➡︎ https://curehydration.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Wild Alaskan. Get $35 off your first box of premium, wild-caught seafood. ➡︎ https://wildalaskan.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Alloy. Get $20 off your first order today. ➡︎ https://myalloy.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Get an exclusive discount for up to 40% off. ➡︎ https://cozyearth.com/pillowtalks

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Have you ever wanted a peek inside a man’s brain? 🧠

We’re back with Part 3 of one of our most talked-about episode series — answering all the burning, bizarre, and brutally honest questions you’ve always wanted to ask men.

This week, we’re diving into what men really think about everything from doggy style to aging to the internet daddy of the moment, Pedro Pascal.

🎙️ Here’s what we’re getting into:

• What are men actually looking at during doggy style?

• What do they think when they see a woman who’s prettier than their partner?

• Is it true they can literally… think about nothing?

• How do they feel about things like…

• Women aging, messy buns, leg hair, and more

• How do they stay so chill about daily life stuff (kid schedules, groceries, appointments)?

• What really keeps them engaged in a relationship?

This one is honest, funny, and surprisingly vulnerable. And of course, Xander’s not holding back.

🔗 Links & Resources:

🎧 What Do Men REALLY Think About…? Part 1 ➡️ https://vmtherapy.com/episode56

🎧 What Do Men REALLY Think About…? Part 2 ➡️ https://vmtherapy.com/episode69

❤️ Ready to go deeper?

Your questions deserve more than just a quick answer. Inside our monthly membership Deeper, we help you actually take the next step — with expert-designed tools, guided content, live sessions with us, and unlimited access to Vanessa AI (your 24/7 virtual sex and relationship coach).

🎉 Podcast listeners get 25% off your first month! Use the code PILLOW at checkout right here 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/deeper

🎧 Stay connected:

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ **https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander**

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.

Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Goodwipes. Goodwipes will elevate your everyday hygiene with premium wipes that deliver a superior clean that no dry toilet paper can match.

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Have you heard of The Bristle Reaction? It’s a term Vanessa coined—and when we posted about it on TikTok, over 8 million people watched. (You can watch that here 👉 https://www.tiktok.com/@vanessaandxander/video/7206335375453867306?lang=en)

The Bristle Reaction is that moment when your partner reaches out for a hug or a kiss… and your body instinctively recoils. Even when you love your partner deeply, their touch can sometimes create a sense of tension or irritation—and it’s more common than you think.

We asked our Instagram audience, and a whopping 84% said they’ve experienced this reaction. But the question we keep hearing is: “How do we fix it?”

In this episode, we break down:

• The 3 biggest reasons The Bristle Reaction happens

• 6 actionable ways to start enjoying your partner’s touch again

• Why this topic hits so close to home for so many couples

If physical affection has started to feel complicated or triggering, this episode will give you clarity, tools, and hope.

🔗 Links & Resources:

• 📘 Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life

• 📝 Initiation 101 Guide ➡️  https://buy.vmtherapy.com/art-of-initiation?ref=podcast-212&utm_term=podcast-212

❤️ Ready to go deeper?

Your questions deserve more than just a quick answer. Inside our monthly membership Deeper, we help you actually take the next step — with expert-designed tools, guided content, live sessions with us, and unlimited access to Vanessa AI (your 24/7 virtual sex and relationship coach).

🎉 Podcast listeners get 25% off your first month! Use the code PILLOW at checkout right here 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/deeper

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏 Thanks Blissy. Get better sleep, hair, and skin with Blissy. Get an additional 30% off ➡︎ https://blissy.com/PILLOWPOD.

👏Thank you goPure. For a limited time, get 25% off. ➡︎ https://www.gopurebeauty.com/PILLOW

👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Get an exclusive discount for up to 40% off. ➡︎ https://cozyearth.com/pillowtalks

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Ask a sex therapist is back!

Have you ever Googled something about sex and then immediately deleted your search history? 🥵

In this week’s episode, Vanessa (a sex therapist with 20+ years of experience) and Xander (her ever-curious, regular dude husband) answer your most personal, pressing, wait-am-I-the-only-one? questions about sex, intimacy, and everything in between.

Here’s what we’re diving into:

• Is it weird if my partner and I don’t kiss during sex? (Pretty Woman, anyone?)

• What exactly is pegging?

• Is it normal for other things to be “better than sex”?

• Can using a penis pump have consequences?

• Should you get a vasectomy? (Xander’s in the club!)

• Postpartum sex — what are men really thinking?

• Can responsive/spontaneous desire be taught? Like can you switch your type?

  
  

❤️ Ready to go deeper? Your questions deserve more than just a quick answer. Inside our monthly membership Deeper, we help you actually take the next step — with expert-designed tools, guided content, live sessions with us, and unlimited access to Vanessa AI (your 24/7 virtual sex and relationship coach).

🎉 Podcast listeners get 25% off your first month! Use the code PILLOW at checkout right here 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/deeper

Resources Mentioned:

Ultimate Foreplay Guides 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay

Ultimate Sex Guides  👉🏻 https://buy.vmtherapy.com/ultimate-sex-guide?ref=podcast-211&utm_term=podcast-211

🎧 Stay connected:

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ ⁠https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander⁠

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.

Sign up here 👉🏻 ⁠vmtherapy.com/subscribe⁠

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

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Maybe it’s a gross habit that totally kills the mood…

Maybe it’s a bigger issue that leaves you feeling unseen or disconnected…

This week, we’re diving into a question we hear all the time: Should I be putting up with this in my relationship?

Whether it’s your partner’s lack of ambition, a dead bedroom, constant yelling, or socks in the couch cushions (yep, really) — we’re breaking down how to tell the difference between healthy compromise and straight-up self-betrayal.

We’re walking through real stories submitted by our audience and sharing tools to help you:

• Tune into your own boundaries.

• Get clear on what’s worth working through.

• Speak your truth without blowing things up.

• The difference between patience and people-pleasing.

• When to accept a quirk vs. when to draw a hard line.

• How to handle dead bedrooms, defensiveness, and money fights.

• What to do if your partner’s gross habits are killing your vibe.

• The truth about “sticking it out” vs. knowing when you’ve had enough.

🎧 Whether you're questioning the little things (like nose-picking 😬) or the big things (like being completely ignored emotionally or sexually), this episode is here to help you figure out your next move.

Ready to go Deeper with us?

Inside our Deeper membership, you’ll get access to our full library of expert-created resources, including the guides, courses, and coaching tools we wish every couple had. PLUS — instant answers to your most intimate questions via Vanessa AI, your 24/7 virtual sex and relationship coach (and new bestie).

🎉 Podcast listeners get 25% off your first month! Use the code PILLOW at checkout right here 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/deeper

🔥Treat your partner to the best f0repl@y they’ve ever had with The Ultimate Foreplay Guides 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay

🎧 Stay connected:

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.  Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

========================

👏Thanks Remi. Give your teeth a break without breaking the bank with Remi and save up to 50%. ➡︎ https://shopremi.com/PILLOW

👏 Thanks Cure. Get 20% off your first order. Stay hydrated and feel your best! ➡︎ https://curehydration.com/PILLOW

👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Get an exclusive discount for up to 40% off. ➡︎ https://cozyearth.com/pillowtalks

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Does sex feel like a chore to you?

According to 86% of our audience? Yes.

Maybe sex doesn’t feel great. Maybe it it’s more about your partner getting their needs met than you. Maybe it’s just started to feel like another thing to check off your list.

But maybe the issue isn’t sex at all.

Maybe it’s that you’re carrying too much — between the keeping the household running (and kind of clean), parenting logistics, and the weight of every single thing it takes to adult…

It’s not that sex is a chore: it’s that chores are sabotaging your sex life!

In this episode, we’re breaking down how mental load affects desire, intimacy, and overall relationship satisfaction (spoiler alert: a lot more than you think).

And of course, we’re sharing practical tools to help lighten the load and bring the connection back.

💛 Here’s what we’re covering:

• What mental load actually is

• Why resentment and “keeping score” kill intimacy

• What happens when your partner starts to feel more like your kid than your teammate

• How to have more conversations about sharing the load

• What you can do today to start shifting the dynamic

Whether you’re feeling unseen, exhausted, or just plain over it—this episode is here to help you feel more supported, connected, and so much less alone.

⏰ Last chance to snag 2 of our most supportive tools in the shop! ⏰

The Mental Load Workbook and Your Best Week Ever are officially retiring on May 25th. These are the last few days to grab these super affordable and potentially life-changing products.

We designed them to help you:

• Rebalance the invisible labor in your relationship

• Get on the same page with your partner (without nagging or blowing up)

• Reconnect emotionally and physically—even when life is busy

These are the strategies that helped us transform our own dynamic — and we want that for you too!

🗓 Sunday, May 25th is the final day to buy them a la carte.

🧠  Mental Load Workbook: 👉🏻 https://shop.vmtherapy.com/mental-load-workbook?ref=snst25-podcast-209&utm_term=snst25-podcast-209

💓 Your Best Week Ever 👉🏻 https://buy.vmtherapy.com/best-week-ever-only?ref=snst25-podcast-209&utm_term=snst25-podcast-209

STAY CONNECTED:

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.  Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

=================================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

=================================

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In this episode, we’re giving you a realistic, 4-week plan to help you and your partner get out of that relationship rut — even if you're super busy, overwhelmed, or feeling disconnected.

No grand gestures. No impossible checklists.

Just simple, thoughtful actions you can start this week to feel closer again — emotionally and physically.

Here’s what we’re covering:

• The difference between a rut and a red flag 🚩

• How we define “realistic” connection (especially if you’ve got zero bandwidth)

• A step-by-step, week-by-week game plan you can follow

• Specific daily, midweek, and weekend actions to help you reconnect

• Why it’s okay to not feel fireworks right away — and what to focus on instead

• A challenge to get started right now 👀

Whether you’ve been together 2 years or 20, this plan can help you feel like a team again — without adding more stress to your plate.

LINKS & RESOURCES

• 📝  4-Week Relationship Reset PDF — Your Companion Workbook for EPISODE 208: Stuck In A Relationship Rut? Here’s Your 4-Week Fix ➡︎ https://free.vmtherapy.com/4-week-reset

• 👋 The Art of Initiation — your guide to making initiation feel easier, sexier, and more satisfying  ➡︎ https://buy.vmtherapy.com/art-of-initiation?ref=podcast-208&utm_term=-podcast-208

• 💖 Deeper Membership — full access to our relationship toolkit, core courses, live monthly sessions, and more ➡︎ https://vmtherapy.com/deeper

• ✅ Turn Me On: Your Initiation Style Guide — a free guide to discover your unique initiation style (and how to use it!) ➡︎ https://free.vmtherapy.com/initiation-style-guide

STAY CONNECTED

📸 Follow us on Instagram @vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns 👉🏻 Sign up here!

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

========================= THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================= 👏 Thanks Blissy. Get better sleep, hair, and skin with Blissy. Get an additional 30% off ➡︎ https://blissy.com/PILLOWPOD. 👏 Thanks ZocDoc. Download the ZocDoc app to sign-up for FREE and book a top-rated doctor. ➡︎ https://zocdoc.com/pillow 👏Thank you goPure. For a limited time, get 25% off. ➡︎ https://www.gopurebeauty.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Wild Alaskan. Get $35 off your first box of premium, wild-caught seafood. ➡︎ https://wildalaskan.com/PILLOW

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Ready for our go-to masterclass on one of the most overlooked (but absolutely essential) parts of intimacy?

We’re bringing back one of our most downloaded episodes of all time — and trust us, it’s worth a re-listen (or a first-time bender if you’re new around here).

Foreplay — the most misunderstood, rushed-through, and skipped-over part of sex. But here’s the truth: foreplay isn’t optional. It’s not just a warm-up. It’s the whole damn vibe.

In this episode, we’re breaking down the 5 biggest mistakes couples make when it comes to foreplay — and how to turn things around so it actually feels good (for both of you).

Here’s what we’re diving into:

• Why “just get to the point” is killing the vibe

• What makes receiving foreplay so hard (especially for women — hi, it’s not your fault)

• The most common foreplay ruts we all fall into

• How to make foreplay fun again — not forced, awkward, or performative

• A mindset shift that will change how you think about sex forever

Whether you’re feeling stuck, unsure what your partner wants, or just ready for a heck of a lot more pleasure… this episode is your permission slip.

Links & Resources:

🔥 The Ultimate Foreplay Guides ➡︎ https://buy.vmtherapy.com/ultimate-foreplay-guides?ref=podcast-207&utm_term=podcast-207

Stay Connected:

📸 Follow us on Instagram @vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns 👉🏻 Sign up here!

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods! ================================= THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ================================= 👏Thanks Beam. Get up to 40% off for a limited time ➡︎ https://shopbeam.com/PILLOW 👏 Thanks Hungryroot. Get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life ➡︎ https://hungryroot.com/pillow 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Get an exclusive discount for up to 40% off. ➡︎ https://cozyearth.com/pillowtalks 👏Thanks Alloy. Get $20 off your first order today. ➡︎ https://myalloy.com/PILLOW

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We’re bringing back a fan favorite this week… and yep, we’re going there.

Butt stuff. 🍑

Back in 2021, we dropped an episode all about backdoor play, and it quickly became one of our most popular episodes of all time. With over 200 Pillow Talks episodes under our belts now, we figured it was time to make it a little easier to find the gems — so for the first time ever, we’re re-airing one of our top episodes.

Whether you’re a little butt-curious or already a full-blown booty enthusiast, there’s something in this one for you. Because here’s the deal:

👉 72% of our Instagram fam said they were intimidated by anal play.

👉 But 67% also said they were curious about trying it.

That means even if you’re nervous… you’re still open. And we love that.

In this episode, we cover:

• Why butt stuff might be worth a try (even if you’re scared)

• The biggest myths and misconceptions (hint: it’s not just anal sex)

• How to keep things safe, hygienic, and pain-free

• Why more straight men are embracing the backdoor (and loving it)

• Your most vulnerable Qs — from hairy buttholes to hemorrhoids to the “what if vaginal sex doesn’t feel like enough after?” convo

Oh — and if you’ve listened before? It’s still worth a re-listen. You might hear something new, have a totally different take four years later, or finally feel ready to give it a try. 😉

Last call for two spicy fan favorites 🔥

We just launched our brand-new membership, **Deeper** — which gives you instant access to all of our core courses, monthly double dates with us, VanessaAI, and more. With that, we’re officially retiring a few of our a la carte guides—including two of our best sellers:

👉 Butt Stuff 🍑 (only available inside of DEEPER)

👉 Dirty Talk 101  (only available inside of DEEPER)

🍑 What's so great about butt stuff? (Our FREE Guide)

Stay Connected

💌 Get our best tips, stories, and sex & relationship advice: https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🛋️ Come hang with us on Instagram

🎧 Subscribe & review — New episodes drop every Thursday! Don’t forget to subscribe and leave us a review — it helps us keep creating content you love.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We’re back this week with another coaching episode — where we listen to real voice notes from real listeners who are navigating some seriously relatable challenges. 

From craving more pleasure but not knowing how to ask for it… to dealing with desire differences after kids and trying to orgasm for the first time (yes, ever) — we’re holding space for your stories.

If you’ve ever found yourself thinking:

•  “Is this it?”
• “Why don’t I want sex more?”
•  “How do I even bring this up with my partner?”

You’re not alone — and this episode is for you.

We’re walking through these submissions with curiosity, compassion, and practical tools to help these couples — and you — feel more connected, more confident, and more turned on by your sex life again.

 💬 What we’re going deep on:

- When your sex life is fine but also kind of meh

- Why you might not know what you want and how to figure it out

- How to handle performance anxiety (without hurting anyone’s feelings)

- What to do if you’ve never had an orgasm (you’re not broken!)

- When your partner wants sex every day and you’d rather do anything else

- How to stop making sex feel like just another to-do

🔥 Resources mentioned in this episode:

💖 Deeper Membership - https://vmtherapy.com/deeper

Our affordable, all-access monthly membership packed with expert-led courses, playful date night ideas, live coaching calls, and Vanessa AI — your on-demand sex therapist bestie.

💋 Ultimate Foreplay Guides - https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay 

Whether you’re craving more excitement or just want a refresher on what actually feels good — these guides make foreplay easier, hotter, and way more fun for both of you.

🌸 Finishing School - https://vmtherapy.com/finishing-school?ref=podcast&utm_term=podcast

Never had an orgasm? Not sure where to start? This course helps you overcome the emotional and physical blocks that might be getting in the way of pleasure.

💦 How to Have Your First Orgasm (Free Guide) - https://free.vmtherapy.com/best-orgasm

A gentle, shame-free introduction to learning what feels good — and how to actually enjoy it.

🧠 Sex Drive Types Guide (Free) - https://free.vmtherapy.com/sex-drive-type 

Are you responsive or spontaneous? This guide will help you understand your own desire type — and why it’s been causing friction in your relationship (spoiler: it’s not your fault).

🛠️ Performance Issues? We’ve got you.

If you or your partner are struggling with performance anxiety or feeling pressure to “last longer,” check out these resources:

- How to Talk to Your Male Partner About Performance Issues - https://vmtherapy.com/youtube-video/how-to-talk-to-your-male-partner-about-his-performance-issues/

- Ep. 149: Partner Performance Problems? Here's What To Do And What NOT To Do - https://vmtherapy.com/episode149

- Ep. 47: What Penis Performance Problems Really Mean - https://vmtherapy.com/episode47

- What to Do If You Have Performance Anxiety About Your Orgasm - https://vmtherapy.com/vanessa-marin-sex-therapy/what-to-do-if-you-have-performance-anxiety-about-your-orgasm/

📲 Stay Connected

📩 Join our email list  — Be the first to know about exclusive offers, new products, and exciting updates: https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

💬 Follow us on Instagram — https://www.instagram.com/vanessaandxander for behind-the-scenes fun, Q&As, and more tips on love and intimacy.

🎧 Subscribe & review — New episodes drop **every Thursday**! Don’t forget to subscribe and leave us a review — it helps us keep creating content you love.

=================================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

=================================

👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Get an exclusive discount for up to 40% off. ➡︎ https://cozyearth.com/pillowtalks

👏Thanks Goodwipes. Goodwipes will elevate your everyday hygiene with premium wipes that deliver a superior clean that no dry toilet paper can match.

👏Thanks Remi. Give your teeth a break without breaking the bank with Remiand save up to 50%. ➡︎ https://shopremi.com/PILLOW

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If you’ve ever joked about “peeing just a little” when you sneeze, or you’re the kind of person who always has to know where the bathroom is, this one’s for you.

Vanessa is sharing her personal (and super vulnerable) journey with bladder issues: how it started, the surprising symptoms, the anxiety it caused, and the expert-backed tools and tricks that actually helped.

We asked our community if they’ve experienced bladder problems — and 62% of women said yes. So if you’re in that group, or just curious to hear a side of health and intimacy we’ve never talked about before, tune in. This episode might just be a game changer for you.

Here’s a peek at what we cover:

• That awkward moment when you realize… something’s off
• The role of pelvic floor physical therapy (and who V followed to learn more)
• Bad habits no one tells you are actually bad
• The urologist visit from hell (you won’t believe what they said)
• How Vanessa trained her bladder like a dog (yes, really)
• Small changes that made a HUGE difference — and why Vanessa finally sleeps through the night

Disclaimer: This episode is based on personal experience and is not intended as medical advice. Always consult with your doctor about your individual health needs.

• Expecting and Empowered
• The Vagina Whisperer

Grab The Ultimate Sex Guide for sex therapist-backed tips that’ll have you saying “oh my GOD… I didn’t know it could be this good?” — or get that AND everything we offer inside Deeper, our super affordable membership packed with steamy tools, date night ideas, live coaching, and more. Think of it as your all-access pass to better sex, connection that lasts, and WAY more fun together!

💌 Get our best tips and resources straight to your inbox: vmtherapy.com/subscribe

📸 Follow us on Instagram: @vanessaandxander

🎧 Never miss an episode — make sure to follow Pillow Talks wherever you listen to podcasts!

👏 Thanks Blissy. Get better sleep, hair, and skin with Blissy. Get an additional 30% off ➡︎

https://blissy.com/PILLOWPOD

👏 Thanks ZocDoc. Download the ZocDoc app to sign-up for FREE and book a top-rated doctor. ➡︎https://www.zocdoc.com/pillow

👏Thanks Alloy. Get $20 off your first order today. ➡︎ https://myalloy.com/PILLOW

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Is it cheating if you go to sex club… but just to watch?

What about a flirty Snapchat streak with your ex?

A prostate massage with no orgasm? 👀

This week, we’re back with Part 2 of one of our most talked-about episodes. We asked our community to share the moments, confessions, and curveballs that made them ask, “Wait…is this cheating?”

And let’s just say… the gray areas are graying HARD.

• Is emotional intimacy outside your relationship OK?
• When fantasies, DMs, or even Reddit lurking crosses the line.
• Are AI-generated nudes of your partner’s family the point of no return?
• Why intention and secrecy matter more than the act itself.
• The emotional toll “nothing happened” takes on a relationship.
• The difference between curiosity and disrespect when exploring sexually.

No matter how you define cheating, one thing’s clear: these kinds of conversations are hard, and they don’t get easier without the right tools.

Want hotter sex, deeper convos, and fewer fights? For less than the cost of a date night, get on-demand access to our expert-led courses, live sessions with us, and interactive tools designed to fit into your busy life.

Start your journey inside Deeper here.

🔥 The Art Of Initiation 

🤖 Meet Vanessa AI (included with Deeper membership) 

📩 Join our email list — vmtherapy.com/subscribe

📲 Follow us on Instagram — @vanessaandxander for behind-the-scenes fun, Q&As, and more tips on love and intimacy.

🎧 Subscribe & Review — New episodes drop every Thursday! Don’t forget to subscribe and leave us a review — it helps us keep creating content you love.

=================================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

=================================

👏Thanks Dipsea. Right now, listeners of this show can get a 30-day free trial ➡︎ https://dipseastories.com/pillow

👏Thanks Hungryroot. Get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life ➡︎ https://hungryroot.com/pillow

👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Get an exclusive discount for up to 40% off ➡︎ https://cozyearth.com/pillowtalks

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We’ve all had that moment — your partner brings something up, and suddenly you’re snapping back with a list of everything they did wrong. But wait… is that defensiveness, or are you just defending yourself?

This week, we’re diving into one of the trickiest relationship dynamics out there: defensiveness. And we’re not just talking about it — we’re unpacking real, raw stories straight from you.

From sex drive mismatches to mental load meltdowns, parenting disagreements to pasta-water disputes (yep, really), these stories highlight how easy it is to get caught in the cycle of feeling blamed, getting reactive, and shutting down.

But we’re also sharing tips to break out of that cycle — with more compassion, more understanding, and way fewer spirals.

✅ What defensiveness actually looks like (and why it shows up so fast)

✅ The difference between explaining yourself and shutting down

✅ Real-life listener stories around parenting, mental load, and misunderstandings

✅ What it really means to validate your partner (without agreeing)

✅ How to talk to your partner without triggering defensiveness

✅Practical ways to pause, reflect, and repair (without spiraling)

• Check out DEEPER — our new membership with full access to VanessaAI, monthly date night ideas, live calls with us, and more
• Grab The Ultimate Foreplay Guides to level-up your pleasure skills
• Follow us on Instagram for more relationship tips and convos
• Want us to cover your story next? Keep an eye on our IG Stories for callouts

Join our email list – Be the first to know about exclusive offers, new products, and exciting updates: vmtherapy.com/subscribe

=================================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

=================================

👏Thanks Chewy. Take advantage of amazing holiday savings and shop your personal favorites. Get 20% off your first order ➡︎ https://chewy.com/pillows

👏Thanks Beam. Get up to 40% off for a limited time ➡︎ https://shopbeam.com/PILLOW

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Ever feel stuck in your sex life — like you know things could be better but have no idea how to fix them? That’s exactly where today’s couple is.

In this special, brand-new format, we’re coaching a real life couple, and diving deep into mismatched desire, stress, and the invisible walls keeping them from a more connected, fulfilling sex life.

We break down:

💬 When one partner feels standoffish about sex – What’s really behind the hesitation?

⚖️ Balancing work, kids & intimacy – Why stress kills desire (and what to do about it).

🔄 Breaking out of a relationship rut – Feeling stuck? Here’s how to start making real changes.

🔥 What happens when the woman has the higher sex drive – And how to navigate it without resentment.

✨ How to actually change your sex life – Small, doable steps that make a big difference.

If you’ve ever felt like you and your partner keep missing each other when it comes to intimacy — this episode is for you.

And stick around until the end because we have a special announcement you won’t want to miss!

💖 Join Deeper – our new relationship membership!

Want more expert-backed support for your love life? Get access to our entire library of courses and guides, exclusive monthly live events with us, and Vanessa AI — your personal, on-demand relationship coach. 👉 vmtherapy.com/deeper

🔑 Take The Intimacy Quiz: Your Key To Love That Lasts

Not sure where to start? Take our quiz to find out exactly what your relationship needs most right now. 👉 vmtherapy.com/5keys

📩 Join our email list – Be the first to know about exclusive offers, new products, and exciting updates:https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe.

📲 Follow us on Instagram – @vanessaandxander for behind-the-scenes fun, Q&As, and more tips on love and intimacy.

🎧 Subscribe & review – New episodes drop every Thursday! Don’t forget to subscribe and leave us a review—it helps us keep creating content you love.

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Goodwipes. Goodwipes will elevate your everyday hygiene with premium wipes that deliver a superior clean that no dry toilet paper can match.

👏Thanks Remi. Give your teeth a break without breaking the bank with Remiand save up to 50%. ➡︎ https://shopremi.com/PILLOW)

👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Get an exclusive discount for up to 40% off. ➡︎ https://cozyearth.com/pillowtalks

👏Thank you goPure. For a limited time, get 25% off. ➡︎ https://www.gopurebeauty.com/PILLOW

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🎉 We made it to 200 episodes! 🎉

It’s wild to think about how far this podcast has come. There’s one thing we know for sure… we couldn’t have come this far without YOU. That’s why for this very special episode, we decided to celebrate by letting you ask us…

…absolutely ANYTHING.

And you didn’t disappoint.

From personal confessions to relationship deep dives to behind-the-scenes business secrets, no topic was off-limits.

Tune in for an unfiltered, hilarious, and heartfelt conversation where we tackle:

💬 Personal Qs – Would Vanessa ever let Xander shave his beard?

❤️ Relationship Qs – Are we still in couples therapy?

💼 Business Qs – Have we ever recorded a podcast while totally annoyed with each other?

And SO much more! Stick around to the end because we’re teasing something big we’ve been working on behind the scenes… you’re going to want to be on our email list for this one. 👀

Links & Resources:

🔑 Take The Intimacy Quiz: Your Key To Love That Lasts – Find out exactly what your relationship needs most right now and get personalized guidance to start making real changes today! 👉 https://vmtherapy.com/5keys

🏆 March Matchups: The Ultimate Bedroom Bracket – Cast your votes as we put 8 bedroom positions head-to-head, and help us pick the winning position for a brand-new free step-by-step guide! Follow along on Instagram @vanessaandxander and make sure you’re on our email list to get the final results!

Stay Connected:

📩 Join our email list – Be the first to know about exclusive offers, new products, and exciting updates: https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

📲 Follow us on Instagram – @vanessaandxander for behind-the-scenes fun, Q&As, and more tips on love and intimacy.

🎧 Subscribe & Review – New episodes drop every Thursday! Don’t forget to subscribe and leave us a review — it helps us keep creating content you love.

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏 Thanks ZocDoc. Download the ZocDoc app to sign-up for FREE and book a top-rated doctor. ➡︎ https://zocdoc.com/pillow

👏 Thanks Cure. Get 20% off your first order. Stay hydrated and feel your best! ➡︎ https://curehydration.com/PILLOW

👏 Thanks Dipsea. Get a 30 day free trial ➡︎ https://dipseastories.com/pillow

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We’re back with a fan-favorite series—Am I The Asshole? 🎉 You know we love diving into the wildest relationship dilemmas, and today’s lineup is extra spicy.

We’re tackling situations that might hit way too close to home, like:

🚨 Masturbating - do you have to tell your partner every time?

🚨 Journaling about a past relationship—cheating or harmless?

🚨 Going through a partner’s phone (they found what?? 👀)

🚨 A partner picking up an annoying new voice… and refusing to drop it

Sounds messy, right? We’re breaking it ALL down, sharing our takes on who’s the asshole, and of course—we want to hear yours too!

Get ready to laugh, cringe, and maybe rethink your own opinions on these situations!

🎧 Want More AITA?

If you love these episodes, don’t miss our past Am I The Asshole? deep dives:

🎧 EP 187, EP 155, EP 135, EP 125

📲 Stay Connected with Us!

💌 Join our email list for exclusive BTS + first access to everything we create

📸 Follow us on Instagram and tell us—who do YOU think is the asshole in these stories?

🎥 Subscribe on YouTube to watch this episode & more

💖 Links & Resources – Take Your Intimacy to the Next Level

💋 Give your partner the best foreplay they’ve ever had! → Ultimate Foreplay Guides

Transform your sex life with expert-backed techniques designed to maximize pleasure for both of you.

📖 Want to talk about sex in a way that actually works? → Sex Talks: The NYT Best-Selling Book

Discover the 5 key conversations that will unlock deeper connection, better communication, and hotter intimacy in your relationship.

Which one are you diving into first? Let us know! 💬

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏 Thanks OneSkin. Get started today with 15% off using code **PILLOW** ➡︎ https://oneskin.co.

👏 Thanks Hungryroot. Get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life ➡︎ https://hungryroot.com/pillow

👏 Thanks Blissy. Get better sleep, hair, and skin with Blissy. Get an additional 30% off ➡︎ https://blissy.com/PILLOWPOD.

👏 Thanks Beam. Get up to 40% off for a limited time when you go to ➡︎ https://shopbeam.com/PILLOW.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Initiating sex in your relationship should feel exciting, not frustrating—but let’s be real… for most couples, it’s anything but smooth.

Whether you're feeling stuck, rejected, or just plain awkward when it comes to getting things started in the bedroom, today’s episode is here to help!

We surveyed our audience, and only 17% of people said they’re happy with how initiation is going in their relationship.

That means a lot of us are struggling with:

🚨 Feeling like one partner is always initiating while the other never does

🚨 Getting caught off guard and feeling pressured to have sex in the moment

🚨 Waiting until the end of the night, when you're both exhausted

🚨 Using "lazy" or unsexy initiation attempts (boob honks, anyone?)

🚨 Feeling like your partner only flirts when they want something

Sound familiar? You’re not alone. In this episode, we’re breaking down the most common mistakes couples make when initiating sex.

===============================

🔑 What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

===============================

✅ The #1 reason why most couples struggle with initiation

✅ Why timing matters just as much as how you initiate

✅ The major mistake that makes sex feel like a pop quiz—and what to do instead

✅ What to say (and what not to say) when initiating sex

✅ How to make your partner feel wanted instead of pressured

And of course, we’re sharing our top tool to completely transform the way you initiate—so you and your partner can experience more connection, better intimacy, and yes… way more satisfying sex!

==========================

🔗 Links & Resources:

==========================

👋 Art of Initiation – Get $20 Off Until March 9 → https://buy.vmtherapy.com/art-of-initiation-special?ref=podcast-198&utm_term=podcast-198

📚 Other Resources Mentioned:

✨ Figure out your initiation style—so you and your partner can find what actually works for you → https://free.vmtherapy.com/initiation-style-guide

✨ Foreplay Guides, Ultimate Sex Guide, & More! → https://vmtherapy.com/courses?ref=podcast-198&utm_term=podcast-198

==========================

📲 Stay Connected with Us!

==========================

💌 Join our email list for exclusive tips & discounts ➡️ https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

📸 Follow us on Instagram for daily relationship inspo ➡️https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

New episodes drop every Thursday! Make sure you’re subscribed so you never miss an episode.

And if this episode made you rethink how you and your partner initiate (or if you saw yourself in some of these mistakes 😅), send it to them and start the conversation!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ever wish you had a sex therapist on speed dial? We get so many questions every week (because you guys are THE BEST) that we just can’t get to them all—so today, we’re dedicating an entire episode to answering your biggest intimacy and relationship dilemmas.

From navigating mismatched libidos to handling awkward bedroom moments, we’re here to break it all down with practical, shame-free advice.

In This Episode, We Cover:

💬 How to address it when your partner gropes you in their sleep

🧼 Balancing household chores with a partner who wants affection right now

😩 What to do if your partner struggles with death grip

😔 Bouncing back after a disappointing sexual experience

😤 Is “sexual frustration” really a thing?

🔄 How to stop being defensive in your marriage

🚨 NEW FREE Guide! 🚨

Ever struggle with how to start intimacy? We joke a lot about bad initiation styles (hello, awkward boob grabs) but we want to help you find what actually works. That’s why we created a brand-new FREE guide to help you figure out your initiation style—so you and your partner can create a spark your way.

✨ Download it for FREE here: vmtherapy.com/styles

🔗  Links & Resources:

✨ Listen to EPISODE 158: Maybe It’s Not Low Libido… https://vmtherapy.com/episode158

✨ Reignite your love life in just 7 days? ➡︎ https://buy.vmtherapy.com/best-week-ever-only?ref=podcast-197&utm_term=podcast-197

✨ Treat Your Partner to the Best F0repl@y they've ever had: https://shop.vmtherapy.com/foreplay-guides-2022/?ref=podcast-197&utm_term=podcast-197

✨ Check out our NYT best selling book Sex Talks: ➡︎ https://sextalksbook.com/?ref=podcast-197&utm_term=podcast-197

✨ Thanks Cozy Earth. Go to cozyearth.com/pillowtalks and use code PILLOWTALKS for an exclusive discount for up to 40% off.

✨ Thanks Dipsea. Get a 30 day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/pillow.

✨ Thanks Goodwipes. Goodwipes will elevate your everyday hygiene with premium wipes that deliver a superior clean that no dry toilet paper can match. Goodwipes is naturally scented and hypoallergenic. Free from harsh chemicals, parabens, and dyes.

Connect with us! 👋

Instagram ➡︎ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

Our VIP Email list: ➡︎ https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

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🔥 Let’s talk about sex—but let’s make it fun, flirty, and way less awkward. In this episode, we’re telling you about 90 spicy prompts designed to get you talking, laughing, and maybe even blushing with your partner.

We’ll be pulling cards from our brand-spankin-new Sex Talks Card Deck and answering them live, sharing our hottest takes, and reading some intriguing responses from our Instagram community.

Some of these questions will have you reminiscing, some will have you dreaming up new adventures, and others might just be the push you need to turn up the heat in your love life!

In this episode, we explore:

✔️ Why talking about sex is the key to having more (and better) sex

✔️ The five essential conversations that will take your intimacy to the next level

✔️ Real, unfiltered responses from our listeners on what turns them on

✔️ Our own candid answers to some of most revealing prompts

📩 Love what you hear? Leave us a review and tell us which prompt got you hot and bothered! 🔥

💫 Ready to take your conversations to the next level? Grab your own Sex Talks Card Deck now at sextalksbook.com and start exploring with your partner!

---------------------------------

🔗 Links & Resources:

---------------------------------

💫 Reignite your love life in just 7 days? ➡︎ https://buy.vmtherapy.com/best-week-ever-only?ref=podcast-196&utm_term=podcast-196

💫 Treat Your Partner to the best foreplay they've ever had: https://shop.vmtherapy.com/foreplay-guides-2022/?ref=podcast-196&utm_term=podcast-196

💫 Check out our NYT best selling book Sex Talks: ➡︎ https://sextalksbook.com/?ref=podcast-196&utm_term=podcast-196

---------------------------

Connect with us! 👋

---------------------------

Instagram ➡︎ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

Watch Us on YouTube ➡︎ https://www.youtube.com/c/VanessaMarin

Our VIP Email list: ➡︎ https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

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Cowgirl is one of the most empowering positions in the bedroom—so why do so many of us avoid it? 🤠 If you’ve ever felt awkward, unsure, or just plain tired when trying Cowgirl, this episode is for you!

We’re breaking down everything you need to know to master this position with confidence—from why it’s one of the best for pleasure to how to move in a way that feels amazing (and doesn’t leave your thighs burning after 30 seconds).

Get ready for expert-backed tips, tricks, and techniques that’ll help you feel like a total badass on top.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

✅ Why Cowgirl is the #1 position for female pleasure

✅ How to actually move (hint: forget what you’ve seen in porn)

✅ Confidence-boosting tricks if you feel awkward or self-conscious

✅ How to last longer without getting tired

✅ Fun variations like Captain Morgan Cowgirl, Reverse Cowgirl, and more

✅ How to transition in and out of the position seamlessly

If you've ever wanted to feel sexy, confident, and in control while on top, this episode is a must-listen!

Links & Resources:

Ready to stop settling for ‘good enough’? ➡︎ http://vmtherapy.com/ultimatesex/?ref=podcast-195&utm_term=podcast-195

Reignite your love life in just 7 days? ➡︎ https://shop.vmtherapy.com/your-best-week-ever/?ref=podcast-195&utm_term=podcast-195

Treat Your Partner to the Best F0replay they've ever had: https://shop.vmtherapy.com/foreplay-guides-2022/?ref=podcast-195&utm_term=podcast-195

Check out our NYT best selling book Sex Talks: ➡︎ https://sextalksbook.com/?ref=podcast-195&utm_term=podcast-195

Connect with us! 👋

Instagram ➡︎ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

Our VIP Email list: ➡︎ https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

Thanks OneSkin. Get started today with 15% off using code PILLOW at oneskin.co.

Thanks Cure. Stay hydrated and feel your best! Visit curehydration.com/PILLOW to get 20% off your first order.

Thanks Cozy Earth. Go to cozyearth.com/pillowtalks and use code PILLOWTALKS for an exclusive discount for up to 40% off.

Thanks Hungryroot. That’s Hungryroot.com/pillow, to get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Have you ever wondered if there’s something you do in the bedroom that your partner secretly (or not-so-secretly) wishes you’d stop doing? Well, you’re not alone.

A while back, we asked our audience this very question, and the responses came flooding in. So many, in fact, that we had to bring this topic back for Part 2!

In today’s episode, we’re diving into the most common complaints from partners about what they wish their significant other would stop doing in the bedroom. We’re covering everything from awkward communication habits to frustrating foreplay, plus some surprising grievances about kissing, initiation, and even what happens after the fun is over.

And don’t worry—this isn’t just about calling out the bad. We’re also giving you practical tips on how to improve your sex life by doing more of what your partner actually loves.

💬 Communication blunders

💋 Kissing complaints

🔥 Initiation mistakes

💨 Foreplay fumbles

🍑 Intercourse issues

❌ Anal annoyances

💦 Finishing & aftercare faux pas

This episode is all about getting real and helping you and your partner have a more satisfying, connected, and frustration-free sex life.

🎧 Listen now and find out if you’re guilty of any of these common mistakes!

Links & Resources:

Ready to stop settling for ‘good enough’? ➡︎ http://vmtherapy.com/ultimatesex/?ref=podcast-194&utm_term=podcast-194

Reignite your love life in just 7 days? ➡︎ https://shop.vmtherapy.com/your-best-week-ever/?ref=podcast-194&utm_term=podcast-194

Treat Your Partner to the Best F0replay they've ever had: https://shop.vmtherapy.com/foreplay-guides-2022/?ref=podcast-194&utm_term=podcast-194

Check out our NYT best selling book Sex Talks: ➡︎ https://sextalksbook.com/?ref=podcast-194&utm_term=podcast-194

Connect with us! 👋

Instagram ➡︎ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

Our VIP Email list: ➡︎ https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

Thanks Remi. Head to shopremi.com/PILLOW and use code PILLOW to save up to 50%.

Thanks Naturesage. Head to NatureSageOmega3.com/PILLOW to get 40% off.

Thanks Chewy. Head to Chewy.com/PILLOWS and save $20 on your first order with free shipping.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Ever wonder what we really want to say when someone leaves a spicy comment on one of our social media posts? Well, you’re in for a treat.

Social media has been an incredible way to connect with our community, share free resources, and help couples build their best relationships. But putting ourselves out there also means we encounter some… interesting feedback.

In this episode, we’re diving into the comment sections of our most viral posts. From debates about quickie intimacy to whether or not you should “fuck first,” we’re breaking down the conversations, sharing what we wish we could’ve said, and offering our advice to help you create a happier, healthier love life—trolls not included.

Reignite your love life in just 7 days? ➡︎ https://shop.vmtherapy.com/your-best-week-ever/?ref=podcast-193&utm_term=podcast-193

Treat Your Partner to the Best F0replay they've ever had: https://shop.vmtherapy.com/foreplay-guides-2022/?ref=podcast-193&utm_term=podcast-193

Check out our NYT best selling book Sex Talks: ➡︎ https://sextalksbook.com/?ref=podcast-193&utm_term=podcast-193

Connect with us! 👋

Instagram ➡︎ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

Our VIP Email list: ➡︎ https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

Thanks Cozy Earth. Go to cozyearth.com/pillowtalks and use code PILLOWTALKS for an exclusive discount for up to 40% off.

Thanks Hungryroot. That’s Hungryroot.com/pillow, to get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life.

Thanks Dipsea. Get a 30 day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/pillow

Thanks Cure. Stay hydrated and feel your best! Visit curehydration.com/PILLOW to get 20% off your first order.

Thanks Goodwipes. Goodwipes will elevate your everyday hygiene with premium wipes that deliver a superior clean that no dry toilet paper can match. Goodwipes is naturally scented and hypoallergenic. Free from harsh chemicals, parabens, and dyes.

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We’re diving into part 4 of one of our favorite series, “Is This Normal?”

We’ll be exploring topics like: Is it normal for my husband to have absolutely no sex drive? Is it normal to never have fought? Is it normal for my partner to talk in a baby voice and for it to turn me off? And even more of your questions!

This episode is packed with real talk, judgment-free advice, and practical tips to help you navigate these tricky (and sometimes awkward!) situations.

Links & Resources:

Reignite your love life in just 7 days? ➡︎ https://shop.vmtherapy.com/your-best-week-ever/?ref=podcast-188&utm_term=podcast-188

Treat Your Partner to the Best Foreplay they've ever had: https://shop.vmtherapy.com/foreplay-guides-2022/?ref=podcast-188&utm_term=podcast-188

Check out our NYT best selling book Sex Talks: ➡︎ https://sextalksbook.com/?ref=podcast-188&utm_term=podcast-188

Connect with us! 👋

Instagram ➡︎ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

Our VIP Email list: ➡︎ https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

Thanks Cozy Earth. Go to cozyearth.com/pillowtalks and use code PILLOWTALKS for an exclusive discount for up to 40% off.

Thanks Orgain. Head to Orgain.com/PILLOW and use code PILLOW for 30% off your order.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If you were raised in Purity Culture, you already know how challenging it can be to overcome now that you’re an adult. You spent years being taught that it’s important for you to be wholesome, that pleasure is sinful, and that there are very specific rules you need to follow.

In this episode, we’re sharing stories from people who were raised in Purity Culture, and giving you step-by-step tips for overcoming shame.

Links and Resources:

Reignite your love life in just 7 days? ➡︎ https://shop.vmtherapy.com/your-best-week-ever/?ref=podcast-191&utm_term=podcast-191

Treat Your Partner to the Best F0replay they've ever had: https://shop.vmtherapy.com/foreplay-guides-2022/?ref=podcast-191&utm_term=podcast-191

Check out our NYT best selling book Sex Talks: ➡︎ https://sextalksbook.com/?ref=podcast-191&utm_term=podcast-191

Connect with us! 👋

Instagram ➡︎ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

Our VIP Email list: ➡︎ https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you had!

This episode is brought to you by…

Thanks ZocDoc. Go to Zocdoc.com/pillow and download the Zocdoc app to sign-up for FREE and book a top-rated doctor.

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Have you ever wanted something from your partner, but found yourself wondering, “Am I asking too much?” Or has your partner ever asked you for something that didn’t feel reasonable to you?

We asked our community to share some of their questionable relationship requests, and the responses were fascinating! Tune in as we break down the line between what’s reasonable, what’s ridiculous, and what’s simply part of being in a relationship.

Links & Resources:

Your Best Week Ever is designed to give the maximum impact for minimum effort. ****Ready to reignite your love life in just 7 days? ➡︎ https://shop.vmtherapy.com/your-best-week-ever/?ref=podcast-190&utm_term=podcast-190

Treat Your Partner to the Best F0replay they've ever had: https://shop.vmtherapy.com/foreplay-guides-2022/?ref=podcast-190&utm_term=podcast-190

Check out our NYT best selling book Sex Talks: ➡︎ https://sextalksbook.com/?ref=podcast-190&utm_term=podcast-190

Connect with us! 👋

Instagram ➡︎ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

Our VIP Email list: ➡︎ https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

Thanks Remi. Head to shopremi.com/PILLOW and use code PILLOW to save up to 50%.

Thanks OneSkin. Get started today with 15% off using code PILLOW at oneskin.co.

Thanks Orgain. Head to Orgain.com/PILLOW and use code PILLOW for 30% off your order.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It’s officially 2025 and you might be feeling like your relationship could use a fresh start.

We asked our Instagram audience if they’ve ever wished for a fresh start in their relationship—and the responses came pouring in! We’re reading through your submissions, sharing our thoughts, and offering practical advice for anyone looking to refresh their connection with their partner.

Whether you’re dealing with intimacy, post-pregnancy, or even income issues, we’ve got you covered with tips to help you and your partner move forward and rekindle that spark.

Links & Resources:

Reignite your love life in just 7 days? ➡︎ https://shop.vmtherapy.com/your-best-week-ever/?ref=podcast-188&utm_term=podcast-188

Treat Your Partner to the Best F0replay they've ever had: https://shop.vmtherapy.com/foreplay-guides-2022/?ref=podcast-188&utm_term=podcast-188

Check out our NYT best selling book Sex Talks: ➡︎ https://sextalksbook.com/?ref=podcast-188&utm_term=podcast-188

Connect with us! 👋 Instagram ➡︎ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander Our VIP Email list: ➡︎ https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

Thanks Hungryroot. That’s Hungryroot.com/pillow, to get 40% off your first box and a free item of your choice for life.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We were feeling inspired… The Ultimatum is back on Netflix, and it was wild. It left us wondering if our own audience has ever given (or been given) a relationship ultimatum, so we asked!

In this episode, we’re breaking down your ultimatums and sharing our opinions and advice. If you’ve ever considered giving an ultimatum - or if you’re just curious about the ones other people have issued - this is a must-listen!

Links & Resources:

Reignite your love life in just 7 days? ➡︎ https://shop.vmtherapy.com/your-best-week-ever/?ref=podcast-188&utm_term=podcast-188

Treat Your Partner to the Best F0replay they've ever had: https://shop.vmtherapy.com/foreplay-guides-2022/?ref=podcast-188&utm_term=podcast-188

Check out our NYT best selling book Sex Talks: ➡︎ https://sextalksbook.com/?ref=podcast-188&utm_term=podcast-188

Connect with us! 👋 Instagram ➡︎ https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander Our VIP Email list: ➡︎ https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

Thanks OneSkin. Get started today with 15% off using code PILLOW at oneskin.co.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Tis the Season for DRAMA!

We’re so excited to bring you another hilarious “Am I The Asshole?” episode this week. In the theme of the season, we’re doing another holiday edition.

We’re talking about affairs, secret Santa mishaps, and a disastrous salmon situation. Get ready to grab your coziest blanket and cup of cocoa for this new episode of one of our favorite series!

Links & Resources:

Join our VIP email list

Follow us on Instagram

If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you had!

Thanks ZocDoc. Go to Zocdoc.com/pillow and download the Zocdoc app to sign-up for FREE and book a top-rated doctor.

Thanks StoryWorth. Get $10 off your first purchase at StoryWorth.com/pillow

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

There are a ton of topics we want to cover on this podcast, but sometimes we just don’t have enough material to make a full hour-long episode for each one. So we’re trying something new to give you our hottest takes and tips… a multi-topic episode!

Today we’re talking about being non-hetero in a male-female relationship, period sex, and internal versus external processors. Think of this episode like a podcast tossed salad and get ready to dive in.

Links & Resources:

Join our VIP email list

Follow us on Instagram

If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you had!

Thanks Dipsea. Get a 30 day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/pillow

Thanks Miracle. Go to trymiracle.com/PILLOW and use the code PILLOW to claim your FREE 3-PIECE TOWEL SET and SAVE over 40% OFF.

Thanks Unbound Merino. Head over to their website unboundmerino.com where new customers can use our code PILLOW for 15% off of their order!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Today we’re tackling one of the trickiest and most controversial topics we get asked about - porn.

Is it OK to watch porn even if you’re in a relationship? Can it become addicting? Can you forbid your partner from watching it?

In this episode we cover how porn affects you personally, pros and cons to bringing porn into your relationship, and what to do if you and your partner disagree. This is a topic that every couple needs to talk about in their relationship, so use this episode to open up a conversation!

Links & Resources:

Join our email list!

Instagram: @vanessaandxander

If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you had!

Thanks Chewy. Take advantage of amazing holiday savings and shop your personal favorites at Chewy.com/pillows.

Thanks OneSkin. Get started today with 15% off using code PILLOW at oneskin.co

Thanks Unbound Merino. Head over to their website unboundmerino.com where new customers can use our code PILLOW for 15% off of their order!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Do you want more physical intimacy in your relationship? In this episode, we’re talking about different kinds of physical intimacy, why it’s so important, how to ask your partner for more, and what to do if you’re worried they won’t understand.

Links & Resources:

Challenge: Sweet Or Spicy

If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you had!

Go to Zocdoc.com/pillow and download the Zocdoc app to sign-up for FREE and book a top-rated doctor.

Thanks Jack Black. Go to GetJackBlack.com/PILLOW and use code PILLOW for 10% off your order.

Thanks MarleySpoon. Experience the most personalized meal kit today with Marley Spoon. Head to MarleySpoon.com/OFFER/PILLOW and use code PILLOW for up to 25 FREE meals!

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Do you want more emotional intimacy in your relationship? In today’s episode, we’re covering what emotional intimacy actually is, how to get more of it in your relationship, and even what to do if your partner doesn’t understand what you want.

Links & Resources:

Challenge: Sweet Or Spicy

If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to subscribe for your weekly double date full of totally doable sex tips, practical relationship advice, hilarious and honest stories of what really goes on behind closed bedroom doors and so much more. It's the sex education you wish you had!

Thanks Dipsea. Get a 30 day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/pillow

Get started today with 15% off using code PILLOW at oneskin.co

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What happens when you have a fantasy that your partner is just not into?

When your “yum” is their “yuck” if you will.

We asked our IG community for stories about times when their partner wanted to try something they weren’t into, or vice versa. Now, we’re sharing our best advice on how to handle the differences.

Links & Resources:

Sign up for our email list: vmtherapy.com/subscribe

Thanks Cozy Earth. Go to cozyearth.com/pillowtalks and use code PILLOWTALKS for an exclusive discount for up to 40% off.

Thanks StoryWorth. Get $10 off your first purchase at StoryWorth.com/pillow

Thanks Jack Black. Go to GetJackBlack.com/PILLOW and use code PILLOW for 10% off your order.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

How are we really doing?

We had a plan to talk about a different topic, but once we sat down in front of the mics, we decided to go rogue and talk about what life has really been like recently.

In today’s episode, we’re getting extra personal and sharing some of our ups and downs from the year so far. We’ve got details about all the tough decisions we’ve been making about the future of our company, personal updates about the state of our relationship, and even a behind-the-scenes look at the state of this podcast…

Links & Resources: Our Courses & Guides

Thanks Chewy. Take advantage of amazing holiday savings and shop your personal favorites at Chewy.com/pillows.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It’s time for another edition of one of our most popular series, Smash or Pass! This is where we try out the internet’s weirdest sex tips, so you don’t have to! (We even recorded audio of ourselves trying out a lot of the tips…)

Today’s theme is sex tips from 90’s and 00’s women’s magazines. Do these tips about “driving your man wild” actually work? Tune in to find out!

Links & Resources:

Guide: The Sexual Mastery Package

Thanks Dipsea. Get a 30 day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/pillow.

Go to Zocdoc.com/pillow and download the Zocdoc app to sign-up for FREE and book a top-rated doctor.

Thanks Jack Black. Go to GetJackBlack.com/PILLOW and use code PILLOW for 10% off your order.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What’s the difference between a clitoral orgasm, g-spot orgasm, and cervical orgasm? What’s squirting? How common is it for women to orgasm multiple times in 1 session?

Today we’re taking it back to the very first topic Vanessa became known for - female orgasm (Buzzfeed even called her The Orgasm Whisperer)!

In this episode, Vanessa is answering some of the most commonly asked questions about female pleasure and giving you top-tier advice on how to start having the best orgasms of your life.

Links & Resources:

Course: Finishing School

Thanks Cozy Earth. Go to cozyearth.com/pillowtalks and use code PILLOWTALKS for an exclusive discount for up to 40% off.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We’re bringing one of our favorite Instagram games to the podcast, Tie-Breakers!

We asked our community to share some of the things that they just can’t agree on with their partner. We break the tie for them!

We’ve got some interesting relationship stand-offs to dig into for this episode, like who is responsible for chores if only one of you works, if you should charge rent to in-laws, who are living with you, and are you too old for hand jobs?

Links & Resources:

Book: Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life

Guide: The Ultimate Foreplay Guides

Guide: Mental Load Workbook

Thanks OneSkin. Get started today with 15% off using code PILLOW at oneskin.co.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices