Pillow Talks

Every once in a while an orgasm hits you like a freight train, and you lie there afterward wondering what on earth that was and why you can't do it again.

What if that wasn't luck?

In this episode, you'll hear:

• Why getting really efficient at reaching orgasm can be the exact thing capping how big it gets

• Why getting really efficient at reaching orgasm can be the exact thing capping how big it gets

• The four things about your orgasm you can actually change

• What your body does automatically the second an orgasm starts that's probably cutting it short

• Why the window for a second orgasm stays open longer than you think, and the one moment that closes it

• The truth about G-spot, cervical, and nipple orgasms, and why none of them outrank the clitoris

• What Vanessa found after twenty years of thinking she already knew everything about her own body

What if your orgasm was only the beginning?

Advanced Orgasm is our course for the woman who already orgasms reliably, on her own and with a partner, and is curious what else her body can do. It doesn't teach you how to orgasm. It teaches you how to shape what happens when you do.

• The four Amplifiers we walk through in this episode. Intensity, Duration, Frequency, and Pathway. Four levers you can pull, with the step-by-step for each one.

• You get to decide what kind of orgasm you have. Slow and drawn out tonight, enormous on Friday, two of them if that's the mood.

• A 30-day actually-try-it guarantee. Give it a fair shot, and if you haven't learned something that expands how you explore your own pleasure, we'll refund you.

• Lifetime access, including every upgrade we ever make to it.

Check out Advanced Orgasm here: https://vmtherapy.com/advanced

Not sure if it’s for you? If your orgasm only shows up under very particular conditions, or you can get there on your own but not with a partner, that's not a flaw. You're just at a different starting line. Start with Finishing School: https://vmtherapy.com/orgasm

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Use code PILLOW for an exclusive 20% off on home and sleepwear. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com

👏Thanks Wild Alaskan. Get $35 off your first order of premium, wild-caught seafood. Get seafood you can trust. ➡︎http://wildalaskan.com/PILLOW

👏Thanks Quince. Upgrade your everyday. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

At the start of a relationship, turning your partner on felt like it took basically no effort.

So what do you do a decade in, when you've watched each other fart and floss, and nothing seems to happen on its own anymore?

In this episode, you'll hear:

• Why nothing sexy happens spontaneously after about six months, and what has to replace it

• The thing you have to clear out of the way before you can build desire at all

• Which of the four desire types you and your partner each are, and why it changes how you initiate

• How to flirt with someone you've been with for years without feeling ridiculous

• The compliment swap that makes it actually land, and what to say instead of "you're hot"

• Why initiating in the moment is already too late, and when to start instead

• What our community said gets them in the mood, from grey sweatpants to a longer than usual kiss in the kitchen

Mentioned in this episode:

Discover your initiation style here: https://vmtherapy.com/style

Listen to Episode 251: What's Your Desire Type?: https://vmtherapy.com/episode251

Want to make sure the sex is worth craving?

It's time to give and receive "I didn't know it could be that good" pleasure with the Ultimate Foreplay Guides. Our #1 best-seller for a reason.

• Detailed, step-by-step instructions that guide you through expertly fingering and going down on a vulva, and giving jaw-dropping hand jobs and blow jobs.

• Over 100 unique techniques designed to give your partner maximum pleasure and secret hacks to get them begging for more.

Check out The Ultimate Foreplay Guides here: https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay

Think you've tried every position? Think again.

Ultimate Sex Positions is our fully illustrated guide to 47 positions, with step-by-step guidance, tips for how to move, and smart adjustments for real bodies.

• 47 fully illustrated positions with step-by-step guidance for getting into, out of, and moving in each one.

• 17 pillow positions, because changing your angle by a few inches changes everything.

Check out Ultimate Sex Positions here: https://vmtherapy.com/ultimatesex

Stay Connected Follow us on Instagram: https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame: https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Cure. Cure’s the electrolyte mix I’ve started reaching for daily. With clean ingredients and nothing artificial, it’s become easy to stay hydrated. Find it on Amazon or use the code PILLOWTALKS for 20% off. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOWTALKS

👏Thanks Blissy. Because you’re a listener, Blissy is offering 60-nights risk-free PLUS use code PILLOWPOD to get an additional 30% off. Your skin and hair will thank you!➡︎https://blissy.com/PILLOWPOD

👏Thanks Quince. Upgrade your everyday. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's time for another round of Reasonable or Ridiculous, where we take real life couple disagreements our community members just can't settle and play referee.

In this episode, you'll hear:

• Can you ask your partner to start initiating again after you spent years shutting them down?

• A monthly quota for sex: reasonable or red flag?

• Oral every single time: too much to ask or not a big deal?

• The blowjob stereotype most women believe, and what men actually told us in our foreplay survey

• Asking your partner to stop saying a word that gives you the ick, without shutting down the dirty talk entirely

• How to admit you've hated something in bed for years without making your partner feel terrible

• Is waking your partner up because you can't sleep crossing a line?

  
  

Want to stop guessing and start feeling confident in your technique?

It’s time to give and receive “I didn’t know it could be that good” pleasure with the Ultimate Foreplay Guides. Our #1 best-seller for a reason.

• Detailed, step-by-step instructions that guide you through expertly fingering and going down on a vulva, and giving jaw-dropping hand jobs and blow jobs.

• Animated GIFs with tasteful illustrations that will help you become an expert at our hottest foreplay techniques.

• Over 100 unique techniques designed to give your partner maximum pleasure and secret hacks to get them begging for more.

• Exactly what to do before, during, and after orgasm to ensure a “my soul just left my body” experience.

Check out The Ultimate Foreplay Guides here: https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay

Stay Connected

Follow us on Instagram: https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame: https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Wild Alaskan. Get $35 off your first order of premium, wild-caught seafood. Get seafood you can trust. ➡︎http://wildalaskan.com/PILLOW

👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Oversized, ultra-plush, and completely built for your best summer days. Use code PILLOW for an exclusive 20% off. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com

👏Thanks Quince. Upgrade your everyday. Download the Quince app for app-exclusive offers. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We recently shared a reel answering a question from a woman who didn’t orgasm during sex. The comments section turned into something we've never experienced in over ten years of doing this, including one accusation we still can't believe we had to respond to.

In this episode, you'll hear:

• The one line in that reel that set the whole thing off

• The accusation that hurt more than anything we've ever been called online

• The ball of clay explanation that changes how you understand your own anatomy

• The percentage of women who actually orgasm from penetration alone (it's not what you've been told)

• The rule we have in our own sex life

As promised in the episode, our Survivor's Guide is a free resource for survivors of sexual assault who want to reclaim their sex life. Grab it here: https://vmtherapy.com/survivors-guide-opt-in

Finishing School is our orgasm course for women, and it starts exactly where this episode does, with understanding that you're not broken.

• Learn how your anatomy actually works

• Do the mindset work first, because that's what makes every technique after it land

• Get step by step practices for orgasming on your own and with a partner

• Learn how to create more sensation during intercourse instead of less

Check out Finishing School here: https://vmtherapy.com/orgasm

Stay Connected

Follow us on Instagram: https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame: https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This week we're answering all your questions about trying new positions, from how to introduce something new when you've been together forever, to why switching things up can kill the mood, to the pillow trick that changes everything, plus how many positions you actually need for great sex.

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:

• 🛏️ How to introduce new positions when you've been together forever

• ⭐ The most underrated position, and no, it's not missionary

• 🎬 Why switching out of missionary sometimes kills the mood

• 🍆 What to do when he goes soft during a transition

• 🛋️ The best pillow and furniture for better positions

• ⏱️ How long to give a position before deciding "nah, this isn't it"

• 🔢 How many positions you actually need in one session

Use this episode to talk with your partner about what you'd actually love to try next.

💦 Think you've tried every position? Think again.

Ultimate Sex Positions is our fully illustrated guide to 47 positions, with step-by-step guidance, tips for how to move, and smart adjustments for real bodies.

• 47 fully illustrated positions (5 new!) with step-by-step guidance

• 17 brand-new pillow positions, because changing your angle by a few inches changes everything

• Recommendations for what each position is best for, plus troubleshooting and aftercare

• Right now, get the whole guide and every bonus for just $49, half off the regular $97

The sale ends Monday, August 17, so don't wait.

👉🏻 Check out Ultimate Sex Positions here: https://vmtherapy.com/ultimatesex

💛 Stay Connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Quince. Make your summer wardrobe easier. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Oversized, ultra-plush, and completely built for your best summer days. Use code PILLOW for an exclusive 20% off. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It’s time for another episode of What Do Men Really Think About… and Xander’s back in the hot seat to answer your burning questions about preferences, fantasies, the death grip, and how to give better feedback in bed.

Plus, we’re giving you questions to share with your partner to help you get on the same page and build your goals for your sex life!

💛 In this episode, you'll hear: 

• 🔥 Do men actually prefer rough sex?

• 💬 The most misunderstood thing about men and sex

• 🕯️ How to use the 5 to 10 minutes right after sex for more connection

• 🗣️ Do men really want feedback in bed?

• 🍑 Reverse cowgirl, the view, and the butthole anxiety

• 💧 How men really feel about discharge and everything else your body does during sex

• 🔌 Do men get upset when you need a vibrator to orgasm?

• ❓ A round of quick fire preference questions to take home and ask your partner tonight

🕯️ Want more connection, intimacy, and spark in your relationship every single month? 

The Spark is our monthly membership for couples who want to keep intimacy alive without having to figure it all out on their own. 

• Fresh, doable ways to connect delivered every month, so you never run out of ideas

• Real guidance from a sex therapist and her very own regular dude

• Low pressure prompts and conversations that actually fit your real life

• Built for couples in any season, whether things feel stuck or you just want more of a good thing

💛 Stay Connected 👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://vmtherapy.com/spark 

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Blissy. Because you’re a listener, Blissy is offering 60-nights risk-free PLUS use code PILLOWPOD to get an additional 30% off. Your skin and hair will thank you!➡︎https://blissy.com/PILLOWPOD

👏Thanks Cure. Cure Hydration just launched in Target, which I'm genuinely pumped about. I stocked up last week and the box is already half gone. So next time you're at Target, grab some! Use the code PILLOWTALKS for 20% off. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOWTALKS

👏Thanks Quince. Make your summer wardrobe easier. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You're finally in bed together, but you can’t stop thinking about tomorrow's to-do list.

We've all heard the advice to “just let go”. Stop thinking, stop controlling, lose yourself.

But 80% of you tell us that you struggle to actually do that.

So we're saying something a little controversial this week: "just let go" might be the worst sex advice out there. Listen in to learn what actually helps you feel present and connected to your partner during sex.

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:

• Why "just let go" tends to backfire and pull you further into your head

• The real reasons your brain won't quiet down

• Why you'll never be perfectly present the whole time, and why that's actually OK

• The questions to ask yourself mid-distraction to spot what's really in the way

• A better goal to chase than "letting go”

• How your nervous system decides whether pleasure feels safe, and how to help it settle

  
  

If you've ever laid there convinced something's wrong with you for not being able to switch off, nothing is. Your brain is doing exactly what brains do, and there's a kinder, more useful way in.

The Spark is our $9/month membership for keeping playfulness, curiosity, and closeness alive when real life keeps getting in the way.

If this episode hit home, it's the easiest place to start putting it into practice:

• Fresh prompts, date ideas, and conversation starters delivered every month

• Built for real couples with real lives, not just the honeymoon phase

• Small, doable ways to stay connected and get out of your head together

👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://vmtherapy.com/spark

Stay connected

Follow us on Instagram at https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander.

Get our weekly email at https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe.

Loving the show? Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen, and leave a review to help more people find us.

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Quince. Make your summer wardrobe easier. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow

👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Made from viscose from bamboo — breathable, soft, and built for summer. Use code PILLOW for an exclusive 20% off. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We ran a poll and 67% of couples told us they feel more like roommates than partners.

This week we're walking through our D.R.I.F.T. Framework: the 5 silent relationship killers that chip away at intimacy, plus the small shifts that bring you back to each other.

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:

• The full D.R.I.F.T. Framework and why that 67% roommate stat lands so hard for so many couples

• 📱 How the average person's 144 daily phone checks can turn date night into two people scrolling side by side

• 🔁 When "who's grabbing the kids?" takes over and the deeper conversations start to disappear

• 😐 Why the absence of conflict isn't the same as closeness

• 🙏 The gratitude gap that lets resentment move in, and why appreciation is one of the biggest predictors of a happy marriage

• 🤝 How the "bristle reaction" kills everyday affection, and the 10-second reset that brings it back

  
  

These might feel like small things, but over time they add up to real distance. The good news: once you can name them, you can start to shift them, together.

🕯️ Ready to swap the drift for a little more spark every month?

The Spark is our monthly membership for couples who want to keep choosing each other on purpose, with low-pressure ways to stay close long after the credits roll on date night.

• Fresh ways to reconnect that you don't have to dream up yourself, so "fine" never gets the chance to settle in

• Simple, doable ideas that bring real conversation and everyday, non-sexual affection back into your week

• A monthly nudge to keep intimacy intentional, because connection takes intention, not mind-reading

👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://vmtherapy.com/spark

💛 Stay Connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Quince. Make your summer wardrobe easier. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow

👏Thanks Wild Alaskan. Get $35 off your first order of premium, wild-caught seafood. Get seafood you can trust. ➡︎http://wildalaskan.com/PILLOW

👏Thanks Cure. Cure Hydration just launched in Target, which I'm genuinely pumped about. I stocked up last week and the box is already half gone. So next time you're at Target, grab some! Use the code PILLOWTALKS for 20% off. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOWTALKS

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Every couple has that one thing they’ll argue about until the end of time. TV in the bedroom. How to load the dishwasher. Can men and women just be friends? 👀

We asked our community to send us the disagreements they just can’t seem to settle with their partner, and today we’re weighing in as your official referees.

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:

• 💋 Is oral foreplay or the main event?

• 🐾 If the pet falls asleep on your lap, are you officially off chore duty?

• 👀 Can men and women really be just friends? Our take.

• ✂️ Who gets the final say when it comes to grooming and body hair?

  
  

🕯️ Want more fun, flirting, and connection with your partner every single month?

The Spark is our monthly membership full of playful, low-pressure ways to keep things exciting, no matter how different the two of you are.

• Fresh sweet & spicy date ideas, conversation starters, and intimacy prompts every month

• Simple ways to reconnect, even on your busiest weeks

• Something you can actually look forward to doing together without having to plan a thing

👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://vmtherapy.com/spark

💛 Stay Connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It’s Xander’s birthday! And this week for our Ask Us Anything episode, we decided to answer some of your personal questions!

This one really pulls back the curtain on us as a couple. Ready for honest reactions, beyond real talk, and more than a little oversharing?

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:

• Whether we've ever set foot in a swingers or sex club

• If we’re starting an Only Fans

• Is it weird that our parents know intimate details about our sex lives because of what we do

• Our honest answers about giving each other the Ick

• Who really initiates more between the two of us

• Our favorite time of day for sex, and the reasoning behind it

• How we handle the creeps who show up in our comments

• The single position we'd choose if we had to pick just one forever

  
  

At the end of the day, we're two people figuring out long-term love, running a business, and life together… while keeping intimacy our priority. Thanks for being on the ride with us.

🔥 The Ultimate Foreplay Guides: https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay 🔥 Ultimate Sex Positions: http://vmtherapy.com/ultimatesex 🔥 The Art of Initiation: https://buy.vmtherapy.com/art-of-initiation?utm_term=podcast

🔗 Links & Resources

• 🛏️ Get the TABU Pillow — Comfortable, discreet, and actually changes the angle in ways that make a big difference 🔥. We’re obsessed. → https://vmtherapy.com/pillow

💛 Stay Connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Quince. Elevate your summer wardrobe. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow

👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Made from viscose from bamboo — breathable, soft, and built for summer. Use code PILLOW for an exclusive 20% off. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com

👏Thanks Cure. So Cure Hydration is officially in Target now, which I'm way too excited about. I stocked up last week and I'm not ashamed to say I've already restocked. Use the code PILLOWTALKS for 20% off. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOWTALKS

👏Thanks Blissy. Because you’re a listener, Blissy is offering 60-nights risk-free PLUS use code PILLOWPOD to get an additional 30% off. Your skin and hair will thank you!➡︎https://blissy.com/PILLOWPOD

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Should I shower first? Is this normal? Why does it smell like that?

This week we're going there with zero judgment, answering your real hygiene and sex questions one by one.

Nobody taught us how to actually take care of our bodies for sex. Not our parents, not health class, not anyone. And so we've been left to piece it together ourselves, often while carrying a whole lot of shame that doesn't belong to us.

That's exactly what this episode is about. We got flooded with questions from our Instagram audience on hygiene and sex, and we're answering all of it, honestly, warmly, and with more poop talk than either of us anticipated.

From what to do before and after, to discharge, breath, smells, and the great cleanup debate, we're covering it all.

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:

• What actually matters (and what you can skip) when it comes to staying fresh before and after sex

• Why the shame we carry about our bodies being "dirty" around sex is making everything harder, and messier

• What your vulva actually needs to stay clean (spoiler: way less than you've been told)

• Why semen can have a smell, and when it's actually worth a second thought

• How to tell your partner their breath or body odor is getting in the way of intimacy, without it turning into a fight

• The gush: what it is, why it happens, and what you can actually do about it

• The after-sex cleanup debate: cup-and-shuffle, a towel by the bed, or straight to the shower

  
  

If you've ever felt self-conscious about your body, your smell, or what counts as "normal," we hope this one leaves you feeling a whole lot more at ease. There's no shame here, just us answering the questions everyone's secretly Googling.

🕯️ Want to keep things exciting long after this episode ends?

The Spark is our monthly membership for couples who want to stay connected, playful, and turned on, without having to figure it all out on your own.

• Fresh ideas and prompts delivered every month to keep intimacy feeling alive

• Low-pressure ways to reconnect, even on your busiest weeks

• Made for real couples and real bodies, zero shame required

• A simple monthly nudge to put each other first again

  
  

👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://vmtherapy.com/spark

💛 Stay Connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Quince. Elevate your summer wardrobe. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow

👏Thanks The Spark. No planning. No awkward ‘what should we do?’ Just open it and go.And it’s only nine dollars a month, cancel anytime. Because a little spark goes a long way. ➡︎https://buy.vmtherapy.com/the-spark

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You send us your most "I can't believe I'm actually asking this" questions, and we live for it.

So we're back with the third edition of Ask a Sex Therapist, going rapid-fire through as many of them as we can, with real answers, tips, and stories.

No question is too awkward, too niche, or too "is it too late to ask this at my age?"

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:

• What "tossed salad" actually means, because it's never too late to ask

• How to tell if you're about to squirt or pee, and whether squirting is even real

• Is the G-spot orgasm real? We settle it

• Sex pillows and spit as lube: the honest yes-or-no on both

• Why standing-up sex never seems to work, and how to fix it

• Why a partner might go soft when you're on top

• Strap-ons as a tool for guys facing performance pressure

• Whether it's worth shaking things up when your sex is already great

  
  

If you've ever sat on a question because it felt too weird to say out loud, consider this your permission slip. Chances are, someone else is wondering the exact same thing.

🔗 LINKS & RESOURCES

Get the TABU Pillow

Comfortable, discreet, and actually changes the angle in ways that make a big difference . We’re obsessed. 👉🏻 [INSERT LINK]

💦 Variety is the spice of life (and your sex life)

Ultimate Sex Positions is our guide to over forty illustrated positions, with step-by-step help getting into, out of, and moving in each one.

• Over 40 positions with clear, illustrated, step-by-step guidance

• The fixes for the ones that never seem to work (standing-up sex, we see you)

• Toe-curling, bedsheet-gripping experiences built for both of you

• Plus the secret to actually craving more sex

👉🏻 Check out Ultimate Sex Positions here: https://vmtherapy.com/ultimatesex

💪 For the guys: no shame in your game

The Modern Man's Guide to Conquering Performance Pressure gets into what's happening in your brain and your body, so sex feels good instead of stressful.

• A holistic approach to performance anxiety and erections

• Real help for early ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, and going soft

• Build genuine confidence in your technique

• For hotter, more satisfying sex, minus the stress

👉🏻 Check out The Modern Man's Guide here: https://vmtherapy.com/modernman

💛 Stay Connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Have you and your partner ever actually sat down and defined what counts as cheating?

Most of us never do, which is exactly why the gray areas get so complicated.

We're back with Part 3 of Is This Cheating?, weighing in on your trickiest, most "wait, is that okay?" scenarios.

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:

• Why every couple has to define cheating for themselves, and the talks most people skip

• Real listener dilemmas: late-night drives, a secret sex-shop trip, and disappearing text threads

• The female-friendship situations that blur the line between platonic and something more

• Our honest take on the big one: does masturbation count as cheating?

• A rapid-fire round on nudes, dating apps "for friends," flirty DMs, and drunk Vegas kisses

• Why this is the perfect episode to play for your partner and talk through together

  
  

If you've ever felt unsure whether something crossed a line, you're not overreacting and you're not alone. The clearer you get on your own definition, the easier these conversations get.

🕯️ Want more connection, intimacy, and spark in your relationship every single month?

The Spark is our monthly membership that delivers fresh, low-lift ways to connect, flirt, and keep things exciting.

• New prompts and ideas delivered to you every single month

• Designed to spark real conversation and connection, together

• Low commitment and big payoff, for just a few dollars a month

• Perfect if tonight's episode has you wanting to reconnect with your person

  
  

👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://vmtherapy.com/spark

💛 Stay Connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Quince. Elevate your summer wardrobe. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow

👏Thanks Cozy Earth. This spring, give yourself the kind of comfort that lives with you all day — not just the moment you get home. Use code PILLOW for an exclusive 20% off. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

So we're back with Part 3 of What Do Women Really Think About…?, giving you the honest answers women don't always say out loud.

From the mental load to mirror selfies, nothing’s off limits.

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:

• Whether women actually want a "book boyfriend," or if that fantasy is better left on the page?

• The real deal on mental load: is it running in the background every single day?

• Cum on the face: hot, not, or total depends? We give you the honest answer.

• Dick pics and mirror selfies: what reads as sexy vs what gets an instant delete?

• Blowjobs before a shower: the candid take you've been too shy to ask about.

• Why women open up to their friends about their sex lives so freely?

• Getting finished with hands or fingers: thoughtful move, or last-ditch effort?

  
  

Here's the thing: the questions that feel embarrassing to ask are usually the ones everyone else is secretly wondering too. You're not weird for being curious. You're just paying attention.

🍆 Ready to be the best they've ever had?

The Ultimate Foreplay Guides are our step-by-step guides to using your hands and mouth on your partner in ways that will blow their mind.

• Clear, no-guesswork techniques for fingering, oral, handjobs, and blow jobs.

• Separate guides for vulvas and penises, so you know exactly what to do.

• Built to take you from unsure to genuinely confident.

• Perfect if today's questions left you wanting to level up.

👉🏻 Check out The Ultimate Foreplay Guides here: https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay

💛 Stay Connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Quince. Elevate your summer wardrobe. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow 👏Thanks StoryWorth. This year, give Dad a gift that captures who he really is, before the stories get harder to remember. Father's day is Sunday, June21st. Order RIGHT NOW and save up to $20. ➡︎https://storyworth.com/pillow 👏Thanks Cure. Not all hydration is created equal. Cure does it right with simple, clead ingredients and flavors worth reaching for all summer long. Use the code PILLOWTALKS for 20% off. Find Cure now at target this summer! Real ingredients. Real Hydration. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOWTALKS 👏Thanks Remi. Protect your teeth with Remi by using code PILLOW to get 50% off your new night guard with Remi Club Subscribe & Save. ➡︎https://shopremi.com/PILLOW

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When was the last time you and your partner did something purely for fun? Not productive, not logistical, not about the kids, just fun.

If you had to think about it for a beat, you're not alone. Most long-term couples slowly drift from enjoying each other to managing life together, and fun is usually the first thing to quietly disappear.

In this episode, we're talking about why couples lose the fun, why it matters way more than most people realize, and 5 surprisingly simple ways to bring it back.

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:

• Why fun is one of the most underrated forms of intimacy (and how it actually builds resilience, attraction, and friendship)

• The IG poll results that show just how universal this is. Only 21% of our community said they have a lot of fun in their relationship

• The most common things that get in the way of fun, from kids and money stress to "we honestly just forget"

• The reframe that helps you find more time for fun.

If you've been feeling more like roommates than romantic partners lately, this episode is a gentle reminder that it’s possible to bring back the fun.

🕯️ Want more fun, connection, and intimacy in your relationship every single month? The Spark is our $9/month subscription designed to keep playfulness, curiosity, and closeness alive in your relationship.

• Fresh prompts, date ideas, and conversation starters delivered monthly

• Designed for real couples with real lives, not just the honeymoon phase

• Easy to fit in, impossible to ignore

• Only $9/month, less than a latte and way better for your relationship

👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://buy.vmtherapy.com/the-spark?utm_term=podcast

🔗 Links & Resources

• Sex Talks (our book) → https://sextalksbook.com

• The Ultimate Foreplay Guides → https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay

• Ultimate Sex Positions → https://vmtherapy.com/ultimatesex

  
  

💛 Stay Connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks StoryWorth. This year, give Dad a gift that captures who he really is, before the stories get harder to remember. Father's day is Sunday, June21st. Order RIGHT NOW and save up to $20. ➡︎https://storyworth.com/pillow

👏Thanks Quince. Refresh your everyday with luxury you'll actually use. Free Shipping on your order and 365-day returns. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow

👏Thanks Cozy Earth. This spring, give yourself the kind of comfort that lives with you all day — not just the moment you get home. Use code PILLOW for an exclusive 20% off. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com

👏Thanks Blissy. Because you’re a listener, Blissy is offering 60-nights risk-free PLUS use code PILLOWPOD to get an additional 30% off. Your skin and hair will thank you!➡︎https://blissy.com/PILLOWPOD

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Ever feel like you and your partner are speaking totally different languages when it comes to sex? One of you wants spontaneity, the other needs to feel emotionally close first. One of you craves novelty, the other finds comfort in what already works.

Here's the thing: it's probably not about compatibility. It's about your sex personality types.

In this episode, we walk you through all five types, what drives each one, the superpowers they bring to a relationship, the shadows that can quietly cause friction, and how knowing your type (and your partner's) can completely change the way you understand each other.

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:

• Why understanding your sex personality can shift everything about how you connect with your partner

• 🔥 The Firestarter — the spontaneity-fueled type who treats passion as proof of connection

• 💞 The Connector — for whom emotional intimacy is the door to physical intimacy

• 🌸 The Sensualist — present, embodied, sensory-driven

• 🪶 The Adventurer — curious, playful, novelty-seeking

• ⚓ The Anchor — steady, communicative, and grounding

• How to reframe your partner's "differences" as information, not rejection

• Why understanding your blend can take you out of the blame cycle and into actual change

  
  

Whether you've been together six months or sixteen years, this episode gives you a whole new lens for understanding why you want what you want, and why your partner wants what they want. Less guessing. Less misreading. A lot more clarity.

✨ Want to know your sex personality type? Take our free quiz here → https://vmtherapy.com/sex-personality-type

🕯️ Want more connection, intimacy, and spark in your relationship every single month?

The Spark is our $9/month subscription designed to keep the fun, curiosity, and closeness alive in your relationship.

• Fresh intimacy prompts, date ideas, and conversation starters delivered monthly

• Designed for real couples with real lives (not just the honeymoon phase)

• Easy to fit in, impossible to ignore

• Only $9/month, less than a latte and way better for your relationship

👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://buy.vmtherapy.com/the-spark?utm_term=podcast

💛 Stay Connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email, real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Quince. Refresh your everyday with luxury you'll actually use. Free Shipping on your order and 365-day returns. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow 👏Thanks Birch. We want all our listeners to enjoy a deep, restful night's sleep with a new mattress from Birch and get 27% off. ➡︎https://birchliving.com/PILLOWTALKS 👏Thanks Wild Alaskan. Get $35 off your first order of premium, wild-caught seafood. Get seafood you can trust. ➡︎http://wildalaskan.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Cure. Staying hydrated isn't just about water - you also need electrolytes. That's why we love Cure. It's clean and tastes great! Real ingredients. Real hydration. You can grab Cure on Amazon or find a store near you. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOW

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The response to our first episode on penis performance problems was so big that we knew we had to come back for round two.

In this episode, we're getting into the practical stuff: what to do in the moment when things aren't going as planned, how to keep your sex life feeling connected and fun even when performance issues are in the mix, and how both partners can show up for each other without making everything weird.

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:

• Whether you need to tell your wife you're taking ED meds

• How to get out of your head before sex when PE anxiety is already spiraling

• Practical tricks for lasting longer — specific, usable techniques that actually help

• How to bring spontaneity back when Viagra has a 30-minute waiting period — because yes, this is fixable

• How to bring up a performance issue with a partner who doesn't seem to notice it — the conversation you've been avoiding, made easier

• What to do when he loses his erection mid-sex

• When it's time to bring in a doctor — because sometimes the answer really is medical

If you or your partner have ever felt alone in navigating this stuff, this episode is proof that you're not.

🔗 LINKS & RESOURCES

We've put together a guide that goes even deeper into everything we talked about today. The Modern Man's Guide to Conquering Performance Pressure is a step-by-step resource built from Vanessa's years of sex therapy practice — real tools, real techniques, zero fluff.

• Strategies for erectile difficulties, early ejaculation, and delayed ejaculation

• Exercises you can use on your own and in the moment with a partner

• A whole chapter for partners — because this is a team sport

• Practical and shame-free from start to finish

👉🏻 Check out The Modern Man's Guide here: vmtherapy.com/modernman

💛 STAY CONNECTED

📸 Follow us on Instagram →

https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame →

https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

If you're enjoying Pillow Talks, subscribing and leaving a review makes a huge difference — it helps more people find the show and actually improve their sex lives. We appreciate every single one.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

For a lot of women, orgasm feels like this mysterious thing that either happens or it doesn't. Nobody taught you how. And somewhere along the way, you picked up the idea that your pleasure is complicated, too demanding, or just... less important.

But here's what we want you to hear: that's NOT true.

In this episode, we reframe the whole conversation, asking what it would look like if women approached their own pleasure with the same expectation men do. No apology, no overthinking, no putting everyone else first.

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:

• The mental blocks that pull women out of the moment, from body distraction and to-do list thinking to feeling awkward or selfish for focusing on your own pleasure at all.

• The technique gaps no one ever filled in, including what to do if you've never had an orgasm, if you can only get there through oral, or you can get there on your own but not with a partner.

• The relational stuff that makes it even harder — worrying about how you smell or taste, not knowing how to redirect a partner without hurting his feelings, and the faking cycle that's been going on so long you don't even know how to stop.

• How to think like a man during sex and what it would actually mean for a woman to show up to her pleasure with that same sense of entitlement (in the best possible way).

• What the path forward actually looks like, whether you're starting from zero or expanding what's already working, both solo and with a partner.

  
  

If you've ever felt like your orgasm is the last priority, this one is for you.

🔗 LINKS & RESOURCES

Finishing School is Vanessa's step-by-step system for learning how to orgasm consistently, reliably, and in more ways than you might think possible.

It's been completely rebuilt around the three blocks covered in this episode: Mindset, Technique, and Partnership.

• Work through the mental and emotional blocks keeping you stuck in your head

• Learn The Finishing Formula and the specific techniques most likely to get you there

• Built to meet you exactly where you are, with a 30-day money-back guarantee

👉🏻 Check out Finishing School here: vmtherapy.com/orgasm

💛 STAY CONNECTED

📸 Follow us on Instagram →

https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame →

https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

If you're enjoying Pillow Talks, subscribing and leaving a review makes a huge difference — it helps more people find the show and actually improve their sex lives. We appreciate every single one.

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This one's for the sleep-deprived, the time-starved, the diaper-changing, homework-helping parents who still want to feel like a couple.

We see you. And we asked our community to help us show up for you in a big way.

In this episode, we're reading real responses from real parents — practical, doable ideas and a little tough love for making intimacy a priority again, even with kids in the house.

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:

• Why we talk about parenting and intimacy even though we don't have kids ourselves

• The #1 thing our parent community says completely changed their sex life (hint: it involves your calendar)

• How to stop resentment before it builds

• The small acts of emotional intimacy that go a long way

• The little rituals making a real difference

• Timing hacks that real parents swear by

• The privacy solutions couples are using so they can actually relax

• Mindset shifts that unstick couples from dry spells and all-or-nothing thinking

• A powerful DM from a parent in our community that will challenge you, encourage you, and maybe make you tear up a little

Your relationship isn't something you'll get back to someday. This episode is the reminder you needed to start now.

✨ Want a simple, fun way to keep the spark alive every single month?

The Spark is our $9/month subscription packed with fresh intimacy prompts, date ideas, and conversation starters — designed for real couples with real lives.

👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://vmtherapy.com/spark

Talking to your kids about sex and relationships doesn't have to be awkward — but it does have to happen.

Beyond The Birds & The Bees is our guide to having honest, age-appropriate conversations with your kids about bodies, relationships, and healthy sexuality — so they hear it from you first.

• Practical scripts and conversation starters for every age

• Takes the guesswork (and the cringe) out of the talk

• Helps you raise kids with healthy attitudes about sex and relationships

• Because the best gift you can give your kids is parents who aren't afraid to go there

👉🏻 Check out Beyond The Birds & The Bees here: http://vmtherapy.com/kids

💛 Stay Connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame →

https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Cozy Earth. This spring, give yourself the kind of comfort that lives with you all day — not just the moment you get home. Use code PILLOW for an exclusive 20% off. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com

👏Thanks Birch. We want all our listeners to enjoy a deep, restful night's sleep with a new mattress from Birch and get 27% off. ➡︎https://birchliving.com/PILLOWTALKS

👏Thanks Quince. Refresh your everyday with luxury you'll actually use. Free Shipping on your order and 365-day returns. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Whether it's a glass of wine to take the edge off or a gummy to get out of your head, a lot of people use substances to feel more relaxed, more connected, or more in the mood.

But there's a lot more happening under the surface than most people realize.

In this episode, we're pulling back the sheets on how alcohol and marijuana actually affect desire, arousal, communication, and orgasm — including some real talk from our own experience and candid responses straight from our Pillow Talks community.

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:

• Why we're upfront about our bias as sober people — and why some of our worst sex happened while intoxicated

• The real reasons people turn to substances for sex

• What our community shared about their own experiences — from laughing too hard to try anything, to not being able to orgasm at all

• The dangers that don't get talked about enough: impaired judgment, consent confusion, emotional flattening, and how substances can make it harder to get aroused, get wet, get hard, or finish

• The long-term patterns to watch for, including building a dependence on substances just to feel intimate

• Is sober sex awkward at first?

• What to do if your libido is low and you're wondering if weed might help

• How to tell your partner that sex while intoxicated makes you uncomfortable

• What to do if you're the one who's been relying on substances to get in the mood and you want to change that

This one is honest, a little vulnerable, and genuinely useful, whether substances are a regular part of your sex life or you've never even thought about it.

🕯️ Want more connection, intimacy, and spark in your relationship — every single month?

The Spark is our $9/month subscription designed to keep the fun, curiosity, and closeness alive in your relationship.

• Fresh intimacy prompts, date ideas, and conversation starters delivered monthly

• Designed for real couples with real lives (not just the honeymoon phase)

• Easy to fit in, impossible to ignore

• Only $9/month — less than a latte, way better for your relationship

👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: https://buy.vmtherapy.com/the-spark?utm_term=podcast

💛 Stay Connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram →

https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame →

https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Cure. Staying hydrated isn't just about water - you also need electrolytes. That's why we love Cure. It's clean and tastes great! Real ingredients. Real hydration. You can grab Cure on Amazon or find a store near you. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOW

👏Thanks Birch. We want all our listeners to enjoy a deep, restful night's sleep with a new mattress from Birch and get 20% off. ➡︎https://birchliving.com/PILLOWTALKS

👏Thanks Quince. Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Free Shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow

👏Thanks StoryWorth. This year, give Mom a gift that helps her reflect on her life with fresh perspective and gives your whole family the gift of her stories. Mother's Day is Sunday, May 10th. Order RIGHT NOW and sve up to $20. ➡︎https://storyworth.com/pillow

👏Thanks Wild Alaskan. Get $35 off your first box of premium, wild-caught seafood. Get seafood you can trust. ➡︎http://wildalaskan.com/PILLOW

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

One of our favorite series is back.

You sent us your wildest, messiest, most "wait… am I the problem here?" relationship stories. And we have opinions.

We're talking about a wife who's been sharing intimate details about her husband with her entire family for years (but only good things, so it's fine… right?). A partner who was a little too honest about his wife's body (brutal). Neighbors banging on the ceiling mid-sex. And a whole lot more.

Some of these had us genuinely torn. Others? Not so much.

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:

• Is it okay to talk about your sex life with friends and family… even if your partner doesn't know?

• When "just being honest" about attraction crosses a line

• The initiation that was so bad it killed the mood instantly

• What happens when your neighbor tries to police your sex life

• Our honest takes on every single one (and we don't always agree)

Whether you're here to feel validated, get a reality check, or just enjoy some relationship drama that isn't yours… this one's a fun ride.

🔗 Links & Resources Catch up on past AITA episodes:

• https://vmtherapy.com/episode199

• https://vmtherapy.com/episode187

• https://vmtherapy.com/episode155

• https://vmtherapy.com/episode135

• https://vmtherapy.com/episode125

🔥 Want to give your partner the best foreplay they’ve ever had?

The Ultimate Foreplay Guides are our step-by-step guides to expertly pleasuring your partner, with detailed techniques, animated GIFs, and audio walkthroughs. • Over 100 unique techniques for fingering, oral, hand jobs, and blow jobs • Beautiful animated illustrations so you know exactly what to do • Written and audio versions of both guides • Inclusive language and visuals, because everyone deserves great pleasure

Stop guessing and start giving your partner a “my soul just left my body” experience.

👉🏻 Check out The Ultimate Foreplay Guides here: https://buy.vmtherapy.com/ultimate-foreplay-guides? Stay connected 💛 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame →

https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Let this Mother’s Day be a reminder that she deserves care, too — discover how Cozy Earth turns everyday routines into moments of softness and ease. Use code PILLOW to get up to 20% off. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com

👏Thanks Birch. We want all our listeners to enjoy a deep, restful night's sleep with a new mattress from Birch and get 20% off. ➡︎https://birchliving.com/PILLOWTALKS

👏Thanks Quince. Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Free Shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Let's talk about doggy style.

It's one of the most popular positions out there. It can feel intense, wild, and incredibly hot.

But it also comes with a lot of questions. Is it supposed to slip out that much? Why does it feel too deep? What if you queef? What about the… view?

Yeah. We're going there.

In this episode, we're covering everything you need to know about doggy style. How to get into position, how to move, how to adjust the angle for more pleasure (or less pain), and how to actually feel confident doing it.

Plus, we're answering your real questions from Instagram and sharing some of our favorite variations to try.

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:

• Why doggy is one of the best positions for clitoral stimulation (and how to make the most of it)

• Simple angle and arm adjustments that completely change how it feels

• What to do when it feels too deep or uncomfortable

• How to handle the queefing, the slipping out, and the self-consciousness

• Why this position is actually great for feeling less shy about touching yourself

• Variations like standing doggy, lying doggy, and cowboy doggy that keep things fresh

• Answers to your most-asked (and most awkward) doggy style questions from Instagram

Whether doggy is your go-to or you've been avoiding it, this episode will help you feel way more confident the next time you try it.

🔥 Want to explore more positions together?

Ultimate Sex Positions is our illustrated guide to 42 sex positions with step-by-step instructions, movement guidance, and variations for real bodies.

• Discover positions that change the energy of sex, from slow and romantic to intense and wild

• Get clear instructions on how to get into position and how to actually move

• Includes adjustments for height differences, curves, bellies, pregnancy, and flexibility

• No acrobatics required. Just curiosity and a willing partner.

Most couples rotate between 2 or 3 positions. This guide helps you break out of that loop and find new favorites.

👉🏻 Check out Ultimate Sex Positions here: http://vmtherapy.com/ultimatesex

Stay connected 💛 📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe 🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Cure. Staying hydrated isn't just about water - you also need electrolytes. That's why we love Cure. It's clean and tastes great! Real ingredients. Real hydration. You can grab Cure on Amazon or find a store near you. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Zocdoc. Stop putting off those doctors appointments and instantly book a doctor you love today. ➡︎http://Zocdoc.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Birch. We want all our listeners to enjoy a deep, restful night's sleep with a new mattress from Birch and get 20% off. ➡︎ https://birchliving.com/PILLOWTALKS 👏Thanks Quince. Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Free Shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow 👏Thanks StoryWorth. This year, give Mom a gift that helps her reflect on her life with fresh perspective and gives your whole family the gift of her stories. Mother's Day is Sunday, May 10th. Order RIGHT NOW and sve up to $20. ➡︎https://storyworth.com/pillow

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Only 36% of our audience says they've tried mutual masturbation.

Which means most of you are missing out on one of the most erotic, intimate, and surprisingly easy things you can do with your partner.

It sounds intimidating. Maybe even a little awkward. But here's the thing: it doesn't have to be.

In this episode, we're breaking down what mutual masturbation actually is, why it's so hot, and exactly how to try it for the first time (even if the idea makes you nervous).

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:

• Why mutual masturbation is one of the best ways to learn what your partner actually likes

• How being "on display" for each other can be surprisingly sexy

• Simple, low-pressure ways to bring it up without making it weird

• What to do if you feel shy (hint: a single candle goes a long way)

• Creative ways to level it up once you're comfortable

• How mutual masturbation can help you overcome shame around self-pleasure

• Why this can be a game-changer for orgasming with your partner

You don't have to be adventurous or fearless to try this. You just have to be a little curious.

And this episode will give you everything you need to get started.

🔥 Want to take your foreplay skills to the next level? The Ultimate Foreplay Guides are Vanessa and Xander's step-by-step guides to expertly pleasuring your partner, with detailed techniques, animated GIFs, and audio walkthroughs.

• Over 100 unique techniques for fingering, oral, hand jobs, and blow jobs

• Beautiful animated illustrations so you know exactly what to do

• Written and audio versions of both guides

• Inclusive language and visuals, because everyone deserves great pleasure

Whether you want to build confidence, learn something new, or just blow your partner's mind tonight, this is where to start.

👉🏻 Check out The Ultimate Foreplay Guides here: vmtherapy.com/foreplay

Stay Connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander 💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

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👏Thanks Blissy. Because you’re a listener, Blissy is offering 60-nights risk-free PLUS use code PILLOWPOD to get an additional 30% off. Your skin and hair will thank you!➡︎https://blissy.com/PILLOWPOD

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We're back with another real-life couples coaching session.

Have you ever gotten to a point where sex doesn't just feel uninteresting… it feels like something you actively resent?

Where you love your partner but the thought of being touched makes you want to crawl out of your skin?

That's what's going on here. And there is so much underneath it.

We're talking about what happens when orgasm has always been a struggle, when postpartum and hormones change everything, when porn creates unrealistic expectations, and when "just doing it anyway" starts to backfire.

Because this isn't really about libido.

It's about feeling heard, feeling safe, and figuring out how to be on the same team again.

💛 In this episode, you'll hear:

• Why "low libido" isn't the real issue here (even when it looks like it)

• What happens when sex has never been physically easy or enjoyable for her

• How postpartum, nursing, and hormones quietly reshape desire

• The pressure she feels to want sex "like the girls in porn" and how that kills connection

• Why doing it anyway when you don't want to builds resentment, not closeness

• What it looks like when both partners feel frustrated and neither feels understood

• How to start talking about sex without it turning into the same old fight

If you've ever felt like you and your partner are speaking completely different languages when it comes to sex… this one's going to feel really familiar.

You're not broken. You're not alone. And there is a way through this.

🔥 Ready to feel more confident in your pleasure?

Finishing School™ is Vanessa’s step-by-step program for understanding your body — and learning how to experience real, reliable pleasure in a way that actually feels good to you.

• Follow a clear, proven framework for building arousal and orgasm

• Learn the most valuable techniques women actually use to get there

• Stop guessing and start understanding what works for your body

• Expand your pleasure so sex feels more varied, flexible, and fun

This is about making pleasure something you can learn… and actually enjoy.

👉🏻 Check out Finishing School™ here: http://vmtherapy.com/orgasm

🔥 Ready to make this easier (and way more consistent)?

If you want an easy way to keep conversations like this happening (without having to “figure out what to say” every time), check out The Spark.

Fun, flirty, sex therapist-created relationship ideas you can try together every month. Think: connection boosts, date night inspo, a new sex position, and simple, low-pressure ways to keep intimacy on the radar.

You can wait for connection to magically happen… or you can let us deliver it straight to your inbox each month. It could be the best $9 you ever spend.

👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: http://vmtherapy.com/spark

Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Cure. Staying hydrated isn't just about water - you also need electrolytes. That's why we love Cure. It's clean and tastes great! Real ingredients. Real hydration. You can grab Cure on Amazon or find a store near you. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Birch. I want my listeners to enjoy a deep, restful night's sleep with a new mattress from Birch and get 27% off. ➡︎ https://birchliving.com/PILLOWTALKS 👏Thanks Quince. Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Free Shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow

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We do weekly “ask us anything” boxes over on Instagram… and let’s just say… you all really show up with the questions 😏

Today, we’re bringing your q’s to the podcast and diving into them for real.

We’re talking about everything from sex pillows to dry spells, morning sex mismatches, body confidence, toys, and what to do when your partner just isn’t that into the resources you know could be helpful.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

• The pros and cons of sex pillows (and whether they’re worth trying).

• How to think about a “dry spell” in a relationship (and what’s actually normal).

• How to navigate it when one of you loves morning sex… and the other one really doesn’t.

• Whether you actually need to feel horny to initiate (this one might surprise you).

• How to feel more comfortable in lingerie (even if it feels awkward at first).

• What to do when you’re tired from life, parenting, and work… and intimacy isn’t top of mind.

If you’ve ever found yourself thinking, “huh… I wonder about that too,” — you’re going to feel very seen in this episode.

Because these are the kinds of questions so many people have… they just don’t always say out loud.

🔥 Want sex that makes you go… “wait, why don’t we do this more often?”

If you’re down to play, explore, and discover new ways to turn each other on, The Ultimate Foreplay Guides are where things get very fun.

Clear, expert-backed step-by-step techniques for how to touch, tease, and build pleasure in ways that feel really, really good.

Because it’s not just about “leading up to” something else… this is the good part.

👉🏻 Check out The Ultimate Foreplay Guides here: https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay

👉🏻Get the sex pillow: Head to vmtherapy.com/pillow to get 10% off our favorite sex pillow (code will be applied at checkout)

Stay connected:

• Follow us on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/vanessaandxander

• Want more tips like this delivered straight to your inbox? Sign up for our weekly emails: https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

• Don’t forget to subscribe to Pillow Talks so you never miss an episode!

========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Use code PILLOW to get up to 20% off. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com 👏Thanks Wild Alaskan. Get $35 off your first box of premium, wild-caught seafood. Get seafood you can trust. ➡︎http://wildalaskan.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Birch. I want my listeners to enjoy a deep, restful night's sleep with a new mattress from Birch and get 27% off. ➡︎ https://birchliving.com/PILLOWTALKS 👏Thanks Quince. Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Free Shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow

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Most parents dread “the talk.”

How much are you supposed to say? When do you start? What if you say the wrong thing?

If you’ve ever felt awkward, unprepared, or secretly hoped your kid would just… figure it out somewhere else — you’re not alone.

But here’s the truth: talking to your kids about sex doesn’t make them reckless. Research shows it does the opposite. It reduces risky behavior, increases safety, lowers shame, and strengthens your relationship.

And it’s never too late to start.

In this episode, we break down how to move beyond one big, terrifying “talk” and instead create short, ongoing conversations that actually work. No lectures. No shame. Just practical, real-world guidance from a licensed sex therapist who’s been helping families navigate this for over 20 years.

💛 In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why “The Talk” is a myth (and what to do instead).

• The research-backed benefits of talking to kids about sex.

• How to get clear on your why before you start.

• How to define your family’s guiding principles around sex.

• The 5 core conversations every parent should have (and how they evolve by age).

• Conversation starters and scripts you can actually use.

• What to say when your kid asks a question that completely catches you off guard.

  
  

You don’t have to be perfect.

You don’t have to have all the answers.

You just have to be willing to start.

And that willingness? That’s what makes the difference

🔥 Want Step-By-Step Support?

If you’re ready to become the parent your kid can talk to about anything — and you want all the guesswork taken out of it — Beyond The Birds & The Bees: Raising Smart, Safe, Shame-Free Kids gives you scripts, age-by-age guidance, and clear direction on how to raise safe, smart, shame-free kids.

It’s not just about having better conversations.

It’s about breaking cycles.

👉 Learn more here: vmtherapy.com/kids

Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Cure. Staying hydrated isn't just about water - you also need electrolytes. That's why we love Cure. It's clean and tastes great! Real ingredients. Real hydration. You can grab Cure on Amazon or find a store near you. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOW

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We’re talking about something that explains so much of the tension couples feel around sex and desire.

And no — it’s not about having a “high” or “low” libido.

Desire isn’t as simple as being “in the mood” or not. It’s shaped by how desire shows up for you — in your brain or your body — and when you want intimacy — before or after emotional connection.

When you combine those two dynamics, you get four distinct Desire Types. This is a framework we created to help couples finally understand why they might feel like they’re not on the same page when it comes to intimacy.

Understanding yours (and your partner’s) desire type can completely change the way you approach sex, connection, and feeling wanted — without blame, shame, or pressure.

💛 In this episode, you’ll learn:

• The difference between spontaneous (brain-first) and responsive (body-first) desire.

• Why some people want sex to create connection — and others need connection first.

• The four Desire Types and the strengths and challenges of each.

• Why your type might shift depending on stress, life stage, or relationship season.

• How to use this framework to open up better conversations with your partner.

We’ll walk you through simple prompts to help you figure out your type, then break down what each combination looks like in real life.

No stereotypes. No “one of you is broken” narratives.

Just a clear, compassionate way to understand how you want sex — and why your partner might want it differently.

If you’ve ever felt mismatched, confused, or frustrated around desire… this episode might be the clarity you’ve been missing.

🔗 Links & Resources 🔥Discover Your Desire Type Here

Want to know your type for sure? Learn your Desire Type and get personalized insight into how you experience desire — plus what it means for your relationship.

👉 Take the quiz here: https://free.vmtherapy.com/sex-drive-type

✨ Your relationship called. It wants a little more… fun.

The Spark is our monthly cheat code for connection + intimacy. Connection questions, date nights, and a new position to try — delivered fresh every month for just $9!

👉🏻 Get your Spark back here: http://vmtherapy.com/spark

🎧 Stay connected:

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ **https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander**

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.

Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

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Ever wish you could get a straight answer about what’s actually going on in his head? 🧠

We’re back with Part 4 of our “What Do Men Really Think About…?” series — and this time we’re diving into everything from Heated Rivalry and seeing gay sex on screen… to mental load, breadwinning, and why it takes them so long to poop.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

• How men feel about watching gay sex on screen (including the Heated Rivalry phenomenon).

• Whether they actually believe mental load is real.

• What they think about baggy sweats and messy hair at home.

• How they feel when their partner earns more money than they do.

• The truth about submissiveness — and whether they want women to take more control.

• If they care about going down on you if you haven’t showered.

• And what they really notice about areolas.

Xander’s not holding back… and some answers may surprise you!

🔗 Links & Resources:

🎧 What Do Men REALLY Think About…? Part 1 ➡️ https://vmtherapy.com/episode56

🎧 What Do Men REALLY Think About…? Part 2 ➡️ https://vmtherapy.com/episode69

🎧 What Do Men REALLY Think About…? Part 3 ➡️https://vmtherapy.com/episode213

🎧 Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ **https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander**

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and so many sex puns.

Sign up here 👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Use code PILLOW to get up to 20% off. If you get a Post-Purchase Survey, be sure to mention you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com

👏Thanks Cure. Staying hydrated isn't just about water - you also need electrolytes. That's why we love Cure. It's clean and tastes great! Real ingredients. Real hydration. You can grab Cure on Amazon or find a store near you. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOW

👏Thanks Blissy. Because you’re a listener, Blissy is offering 60-nights risk-free PLUS use code PILLOWPOD to get an additional 30% off. Your skin and hair will thank you!➡︎https://blissy.com/PILLOWPOD

👏Thanks Quince. Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Free Shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too. ➡︎https://quince.com/pillow

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Not orgasming with your partner is way more common than most people realize.

And for a lot of women, it turns into one of three coping strategies.

Faking. Doing nothing. Or convincing yourself it’s “not a big deal.”

In today’s episode, we’re talking about why so many women struggle to orgasm in partnered sex — even in loving, committed relationships — and how those patterns quietly shape your confidence, desire, and connection over time.

Vanessa shares her own journey with orgasm, including the truth that even as a sex therapist, she didn’t always have this “figured out.” She opens up about faking in past relationships, feeling stuck, and realizing she needed real tools — not just reassurance — to experience pleasure consistently.

If you’ve ever wondered:

“Is this just how sex is for me?”

“Am I asking for too much?”

“Why does this feel so complicated?”

This episode is for you.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

• The three most common ways women cope with not orgasming.

• Why faking feels easier at first — and harder over time.

• The real data behind the orgasm gap.

• What thousands of women said is holding them back from pleasure.

• How pressure, performance, and people-pleasing kill desire.

• Why “it’s fine” often leads to resentment.

• What to say if you’ve been faking and want a reset.

• How to start advocating for your pleasure without blowing things up.

• Why you deserve the same experience your partner is having.

If you’ve ever felt confused, discouraged, or quietly frustrated about orgasm, please know this: you’re not broken, you’re not behind, and you’re not alone. This is something you can learn. And you deserve support while you do.

💗 Featured Resource: Finishing School

Finishing School is Vanessa’s most technique-focused program, designed to teach you step-by-step how to have an orgasm alone and with a partner.

Inside, you’ll learn:

• How your body actually works.

• What techniques create reliable pleasure.

• How to communicate what you need.

• How to stop guessing and start feeling confident.

• How to experience orgasms without pressure or performance.

This is everything Vanessa wishes she’d had when she was struggling.

👉 Start here: vmtherapy.com/orgasm

Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Life has been a lot lately.

So today, we’re digging into the archives and bringing back one of the most important episodes we’ve ever recorded: how to talk about sex.

Because communication is the thing that keeps connection alive. And these conversations don’t have to feel awkward, heavy, or like you’re about to start a fight.

When you know how to do it right, talking about sex can actually be fun, flirty, and bonding.

In this episode, we’re breaking down the #1 mistake couples make when they finally try to talk about sex (hint: they wait until something feels bad), and we’ll give you our favorite low-pressure ways to start opening up… even if your partner is resistant, nervous, or shuts down the second you bring it up.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

• Why most couples wait too long to talk about sex (and how that backfires fast).

• The “secret sauce” to making sexual communication feel safer and easier.

• How to stop turning sex talks into high-stakes problem-solving sessions.

• The sneaky, low-pressure ways to start the conversation (even if your partner’s resistant).

• Simple scripts to compliment, reminisce, and flirt your way into better connection.

• The post-game recap (and why it works best when you keep it light).

• Why talking about sex helps reduce shame, anxiety, and performance pressure.

If talking about sex feels intimidating in your relationship, this episode is for you.

Sometimes all it takes is one small, low-pressure conversation to start changing the whole vibe between you two.

🔗 Links & Resources

🔥 Ready to make this easier (and way more consistent)?

If you want an easy way to keep conversations like this happening (without having to “figure out what to say” every time), check out The Spark.

Fun, flirty, sex therapist-created relationship ideas you can try together every month. Think: connection boosts, date night inspo, a new sex position, and simple, low-pressure ways to keep intimacy on the radar.

You can wait for connection to magically happen… or you can let us deliver it straight to your inbox each month. It could be the best $9 you ever spend.

👉🏻 Check out The Spark here: http://vmtherapy.com/spark

📘 Mentioned in this episode:

Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life

Our New York Times bestselling book breaks down the five conversations that make talking about sex feel easier, more connecting, and way less intimidating.

It’s grounded in real-life stories from their own relationship and gives couples a clear path to communicating about sex without pressure or panic. https://sextalksbook.com/

Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSOR

==========================

👏Thanks Cure. Staying hydrated isn't just about water - you also need electrolytes. That's why we love Cure. It's clean and tastes great! Real ingredients. Real hydration. You can grab Cure on Amazon or find a store near you. ➡︎https:www.curehydration.com/PILLOW

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We’ve been experimenting more in our own bedroom lately, and in today’s episode, we’re pulling back the covers on what we’ve discovered.

The things that surprised us. The moments that felt a little vulnerable. And the small shifts that brought a big boost of curiosity and connection.

Exploration doesn’t have to mean doing anything extreme or intimidating. If you love the idea of trying something new but feel stuck on how to actually bring this into your real-life sex life, don’t worry. We’re breaking down exactly how to make exploration feel intentional, low-pressure, and actually fun.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

• What “exploration” really means (and what it doesn’t).

• Why new doesn’t have to mean wild — it can mean slower, softer, or more intentional.

• How to talk about trying new things outside the bedroom first.

• Why removing pressure makes experimentation way more enjoyable.

• How to create playful structure with curiosity nights and King/Queen roles.

• How laughing things off builds safety and trust.

• Why exploration is an ongoing mindset, not a one-time fix.

• Our recent bedroom discoveries — including pillows, fingers, and subtle shifts in sensation.

If you’re in a season where sex feels predictable, disconnected, or a little stale, this episode is a reminder that you don’t need a total overhaul.

Sometimes curiosity is enough to open the door again.

🔗 Links & Resources 💖 Valentine’s Day Sale: The Ultimate Foreplay Guides If you want a really good way to bring more exploration, confidence, and fun into your bedroom, this week is the perfect time.

Right now, The Ultimate Foreplay Guides — our #1 best seller — are on sale for $40 (normally $69) to celebrate Valentine’s Day and Vanessa’s birthday. 🎉

Inside, you’ll find:

• Over 100 foreplay techniques you can explore together.

• Clear, step-by-step instructions (no guessing).

• Audio versions you can listen to together.

• Tasteful visuals that make things feel approachable, not awkward.

It’s the kind of gift that says, “I want you… and I want us to have more fun together.”

👉 Grab The Ultimate Foreplay Guides here: vmtherapy.com/foreplay

(on sale now through Feb 16, 2026)

Our Fave Sex Pillow : The Prim @ TabuStay connected Use our code PILLOWTALKS at checkout to get 10% Off

👉🏻 vmtherapy.com/pillow

Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSOR

==========================

👏Thanks Quince. Refresh your wardrobe with Quince. Free Shipping on your order and 365-day returns. Now available in Canada, too. ➡︎https://quince.com/PILLOW

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Lately, we’ve been hearing from so many of you in our DMs. People are telling us they feel guilty wanting pleasure. Ashamed for craving closeness.

Disconnected from their bodies and their partners because the world feels overwhelming, violent, and unstable.

Others have told us they know their relationship matters, but caring about their sex life feels hard when so much is happening globally.

Many of you feel less present, less motivated, and more anxious, and it’s showing up directly in your connection.

In today’s episode, we’re talking about what to do when the weight of the world makes intimacy feel impossible.

This conversation is not about ignoring reality.

It’s about learning how to stay grounded, emotionally available, and connected so you can actually show up for your life, your values, and your relationship.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

• How constant exposure to distressing news and social media keeps your nervous system stuck in survival mode.

• Why stress and anxiety don’t just affect your mood, but directly impact desire, arousal, and presence.

• The moral pressure many people feel to put their relationship on pause during hard times.

• Holding awareness of the world while still caring for your relationship.

• How physical connection helps regulate your nervous system and bring you back into your body.

• Simple ways to shift from overwhelm to meaningful, local connection and action.

• Practical rituals for staying connected when everything feels heavy.

• Why staying close to your partner can actually make you more effective and resilient.

If you’ve been wondering how to care about your relationship when things feel dark or hopeless, this episode is for you.

🔗 Links & Resources ✨ Your relationship called. It wants a little more… fun.

The Spark is our monthly cheat code for connection + intimacy. Connection questions, date nights, and a new position to try — delivered fresh every month for just $9!

👉🏻 Get your Spark back here: http://vmtherapy.com/spark

Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Cure. Staying hydrated isn't just about water - you also need electrolytes. That's why we love Cure. It's clean and tastes great! Real ingredients. Real hydration. You can grab Cure on Amazon or find a store near you. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Blissy. Because you’re a listener, Blissy is offering 60-nights risk-free PLUS use code PILLOWPOD to get an additional 30% off. Your skin and hair will thank you!➡︎https://blissy.com/PILLOWPOD

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Testosterone is one of those topics that feels loaded.

It’s tangled up in masculinity, aging, sex drive, energy, mood… and a whole lot of misinformation. Because of that, many men quietly wonder if something is off — but feel embarrassed, unsure, or afraid to even ask the question.

So today, we’re having a very real conversation.

In this episode, Xander is sharing his personal testosterone journey — what made him start asking questions, the concerns he had before doing anything, what the actual process looked like, and how it’s impacted everything from his energy and mood to sex and our relationship.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

• The early symptoms that made Xander realize something wasn’t right.

• Why sobriety played a surprising role in recognizing his baseline energy.

• What functional medicine actually is (and how it differs from traditional care).

• Why many men never get tested for testosterone through primary care.

• The problem with “normal” testosterone ranges in the U.S.

• What lifestyle changes he tried first — and why they weren’t enough.

• The different treatment options (creams, Clomid, injections) and how each felt.

• What it’s really like to inject testosterone.

• How his testosterone levels changed over time.

• What it actually costs — and whether insurance covers it.

• Honest answers to the most common fears and side effects.

We get into the stuff men are usually too embarrassed to ask out loud.

This isn’t medical advice. It is one person’s honest experience navigating low testosterone, functional medicine, and treatment options — the good, the uncomfortable, and the unexpected.

🔗 Links & Resources

✨ Your relationship called. It wants a little more… fun.

The Spark is our monthly cheat code for connection + intimacy. Connection questions, date nights, and a new position to try — delivered fresh every month for just $9!

👉🏻 Get your Spark back here: http://vmtherapy.com/spark

Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSOR

==========================

Use code PILLOWTALKS at checkout to get 10% discount of the Tabu Sex Pillow ➡︎https://vmtherapy.com/pillow

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If the thought of scheduling sex makes you cringe a little… we get that a lot.

You might be thinking..

“Ugh. That’s so unromantic.” or… “NOT hot.” or… “If we have to schedule it, something must be wrong with our relationship.”

We’re here to today to give you our hot take on our favorite controversial relationship topic. And yes… we’re going to try to change your mind.

In this episode, we’re breaking down the biggest myths about scheduling sex, what scheduled intimacy really means (and doesn’t mean), and the practical ways to make it feel exciting instead of like something else on your to-do list.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

• Why “spontaneous sex” is one of the biggest myths we buy into.

• How scheduling sex can actually reduce stress, pressure, and anxiety.

• What scheduling can do for couples with mismatched desire (especially responsive desire).

• Why having sex earlier in the evening can completely change your sex life.

• How to build anticipation without feeling awkward or forced.

• The “bare minimum” approach that makes sex dates feel doable (even on low-energy days).

• Why taking turns leading sex dates helps both partners feel cared for.

• The simple mindset shift that turns scheduling sex into something you look forward to.

Spoiler: scheduling sex doesn’t replace spontaneity. For many couples, it actually creates more of it.

🔗 Links & Resources

✨ The Spark… because a little spark goes a long way

We just launched a $9/month digital drop for couples who want to stay connected, curious, and very into each other — without overthinking it.

Sweet dates. Spicy dates. Conversation starters. One new position each month. It’s kind of a no-brainer.

👉 Check out The Spark right here : vmtherapy.com/spark

Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSOR ========================== 👏Thanks Cure. Staying hydrated isn't just about water - you also need electrolytes. That's why we love Cure. It's clean and tastes great! Real ingredients. Real hydration. You can grab Cure on Amazon or find a store near you. ➡︎https://curehydration.com/PILLOW Use code PILLOWTALKS at checkout to get 10% discount. ➡︎https://vmtherapy.com/pillow

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Most marriage regrets don’t show up as explosive fights. They show up quietly.

Feeling more like roommates than partners.

Wondering when sex started feeling complicated… or nonexistent.

Noticing resentment creeping in and asking yourself… “Is this just how marriage is supposed to feel?”

In today’s episode, we’re getting into the marriage regrets and mistakes people hold close to their chests… but rarely say out loud.

We’re sharing real stories pulled from Instagram, Reddit, and our own marriage, along with practical ways to prevent these regrets from becoming permanent patterns.

Whether you’re married, partnered, or thinking about your future relationship, this conversation is for you.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

• Why not setting boundaries with extended family can quietly damage a marriage.

• How rejection (real or imagined) can shut people down sexually — and what to do instead.

• What happens when you lose your individual identity inside a relationship.

• Why work, logistics, and kids so often crowd out connection.

• How couples get stuck sexually when growth feels threatening instead of exciting.

• Why ignoring sexual incompatibility doesn’t make it go away.

• The underrated importance of fun — and what happens when it disappears.

Ready For A Relationship Reset?

And if this episode hits close to home, you’re not alone.

We’ve had moments of doubt in our own relationship — and one of the most helpful things we’ve learned is the power of intentionally hitting refresh together, especially at the start of a new year.

It’s not too late to join New Year, New Us: 21-Day Relationship Refresh.

You only need 5 minutes a day (with the option to go deeper if you want).

Here’s how it works:

• Each week starts with a short audio lesson to set the theme.

• You’ll get 21 daily reset questions — one per day — to reflect on individually, then share with your partner.

• The focus is clarity, connection, and getting out of autopilot.

We break it down into 3 weeks, 3 focus areas:

• Week 1: Reflect on the past year together.

• Week 2: Connection refresh — design your dream relationship.

• Week 3: Sex refresh — reignite desire and intimacy.

You can move at your own pace — and yes, you can still join.

👉 Sign up now at https://vmtherapy.com/newyear

Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

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Penis performance issues are way more common than most people realize… and way more misunderstood than they need to be.

Today’s episode came straight from your questions — from trouble getting or keeping an erection, to finishing too quickly (or not at all), to the stress, shame, and “what does this mean about us?” thoughts that sneak in — we’re breaking it all down.

This episode is about understanding what’s happening, supporting your partner with compassion, and learning how to navigate these moments in a way that brings you closer — not further apart.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

• What commonly causes penis performance issues — and why it’s rarely just one thing.

• Whether long-term porn use can affect erection quality or performance.

• If masturbating “too often” can actually create problems.

• How stress, anxiety, and aging can impact erections (and why it’s not a personal failure).

• The connection between low testosterone and ED — and how to navigate it when a partner refuses treatment.

• Whether circumcision has any link to penis performance issues.

• How to bring up concerns about ED with a partner who doesn’t seem to recognize there’s an issue.

• What these challenges mean emotionally — and what they don’t say about attraction, masculinity, or your relationship.

• How to approach the conversation with compassion instead of pressure or panic.

🔗  Links + Resources🔥 The Ultimate Foreplay Guides

Taking the pressure off intercourse can help a lot. The Ultimate Foreplay Guides help couples expand what counts as sex, reduce performance anxiety, and build pleasure and connection (without relying on erections to lead the way).

It’s our #1 best-selling and best-reviewed guide for a reason.

Click right here 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay

❤️ Ready to reconnect?

Take our free Intimacy Quiz to uncover what’s missing (and how to get it back).

Discover your intimacy type and get personalized tools to help you communicate better, desire more, and feel closer than ever.

👉 Take the quiz now and unlock your results: https://vmtherapy.com/5keys

Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://www.instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Cure. Staying hydrated isn't just about water - you also need electrolytes. That's why we love Cure. It's clean and tastes great! Real ingredients. Real hydration. You can grab Cure on Amazon or find a store near you. ➡︎https:www.curehydration.com/PILLOW

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It’s been a while since we last covered some of your funniest sex fails… and honestly, we forgot just how creative things can get when pants come off.

We asked, and you absolutely delivered by sending in your funniest, wildest, and most unfiltered stories. We’re diving straight into the deep end today — from the “I cannot believe this happened” moments to the genuine mishaps — and breaking down some of the most unhinged submissions you’ve ever sent our way.

So buckle up. This episode is proof that even the best intentions can take a sharp left turn into absolute chaos… and sometimes those are the moments you end up laughing about for years.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

• Melted chocolate + chest hair = a cautionary tale

• Why clap-activated lights are not sexy (and definitely not practical)

• The BJ that turned into a mouth-numbing emergency

• The fully naked car hookup… in front of a VERY public bathroom

• The New Year’s Eve drool + fart combo that took them out

• Heating lube + a lost tampon = pure, fiery chaos

• The condom that took a ride home and introduced itself to mom

• A cowgirl concussion (yes, really)

If you’ve ever had a moment during sex that made you think, “Well… that was not the plan,” you’re in good company. These stories are a reminder that sex is messy, funny, human, and a whole lot less “perfect” than anyone admits.

Happy New Year!

❤️ Ready to reconnect? Take our free Intimacy Quiz to uncover what’s missing (and how to get it back).

Discover your intimacy type and get personalized tools to help you communicate better, desire more, and feel closer than ever.

👉 Take the quiz now and unlock your results: https://vmtherapy.com/5keys

Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

Use code PILLOWTALKS at checkout to get 10% discount. ➡︎https://vmtherapy.com/pillow

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It’s officially that time of year when the New Year buzz is everywhere. Your feeds are full of fitness goals, habit resets, and “new year, new me” energy. And while there’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel healthier or build new routines, this season also tends to stir up a lot of feelings about our bodies… especially when it comes to intimacy.

So today, we’re bringing back one of our most popular episodes ever — a conversation all about feeling confident in your own skin during sex. Whether you’re riding high on fresh-start motivation or feeling a little self-conscious with all the “improvement” talk around you, this one is your reminder that real confidence has nothing to do with the number on a scale or the size of your jeans.

In this re-air, we’re breaking down the actual tools and mindset shifts that help you feel present in your body, enjoy intimacy, and connect with your partner from a grounded, self-affirming place. Because you deserve to feel good in the body you have right now.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

• Why body confidence matters so much during intimacy

• How cultural conditioning shapes the way we see our bodies in the bedroom

• The most common body-related worries couples bring into sex

• Simple mindset reframes that actually help you feel more confident

• Practical tips for staying present instead of spiraling into self-criticism

• How to talk to your partner about body insecurity (without killing the mood)

If you’re in a season where your relationship with your body feels complicated, you’re not alone. We hope this episode helps you feel a little more at home, a little more grounded, and a little more connected — to yourself and your partner.

❤️ Ready to reconnect? Take our free Intimacy Quiz to uncover what’s missing (and how to get it back).

Discover your intimacy type and get personalized tools to help you communicate better, desire more, and feel closer than ever.

👉 Take the quiz now and unlock your results: https://vmtherapy.com/5keys

Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Wild Alaskan. Get $35 off your first box of premium, wild-caught seafood. Get seafood you can trust. ➡︎http://wildalaskan.com/PILLOW

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Text fights hit different.

There’s something about seeing the exact words—line by line, timestamped, impossible to deny—that makes communication breakdowns painfully clear.

In today’s episode, we’re breaking down a real text fight sent in by a community member. We walk through what went right, what went wrong, and where things quietly went off the rails long before anyone realized they were “arguing.”

This episode is packed with practical communication tips, emotional insight, and a few spicy takes you’ll probably want to steal for your own relationship.

Including one we know will ruffle feathers…

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

• Why text fights escalate faster than in-person conversations.

• What “having the receipts” actually teaches us about communication patterns.

• How sexual disconnect shows up in everyday arguments (even when sex isn’t mentioned 👀).

• The hidden expectations partners bring into conflict without realizing it.

• Why “warming up” emotionally matters more than being technically right.

• Our hot take on love languages — and how they’ve accidentally made some of us less than loving.

We also talk about how couples can reset these patterns without starting from scratch or turning every disagreement into a therapy-level conversation.

If you’ve ever reread a text exchange and thought, How did this blow up so fast? — this one’s for you.

🔥 NEW! The New Year, New Us: 21 Day Relationship Refresh

January tends to come with a lot of pressure to “fix” yourself.

But what if the thing that made everything else feel better… was your relationship?

New Year, New Us is a Deeper-member-only 21-day relationship refresh designed to help you reconnect without overthinking it.

Three weeks.

Five minutes a day.

Simple, sexy, and totally doable.

This is the gift you give each other when you want more “oh wow… we actually like each other again.”

Because when your relationship is better… everything else is too. ❤️

Join the Deeper membership now for $99/quarter (normally $129) or $247/year (normally $299) and unlock the entire New Year, New Us challenge, plus everything else inside Deeper.

👉 Join us at https://vmtherapy.com/newyear

🔗 Links + Resources

Take our free Intimacy Quiz to uncover what’s missing (and how to get it back).

Discover your intimacy type and get personalized tools to help you communicate better, desire more, and feel closer than ever.

👉 Take the quiz now and unlock your results: https://vmtherapy.com/5keys

Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Laundry Sauce. Make laundry day the best day of the week! Get 20% off your entire order with code PILLOW ➡︎https://laundrysauce.com/pillow

👏Thanks Remi. Use code PILLOW at checkout for 55% off a new night guard plus a FREE foam gift that whitens your teeth and cleans your nightguard. ➡︎https://shopremi.com/PILLOW

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Every week on Instagram we host “Ask Us Anything” question boxes… and every week we’re hit with hundreds of incredible questions we can’t possibly get to in Stories.

So today we’re pulling back the curtain and taking some of those unanswered Qs and going deep — giving you the nuance, context, tips, reassurance, and real-talk sex ed you wish you got in health class.

This episode is a true mixed bag: libido, orgasm, aging, menstrual phases, mismatched styles, swelling, simultaneous orgasms… the works. If you’ve ever wondered, “Is this normal?” the answer is probably in here.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

• Why so many women have to learn how to orgasm with a partner — and why it’s not a flaw, it’s physiology

• How to reframe partnered orgasm so it doesn’t feel like a chore, obligation, or “teaching job”

• What to do if your sex styles don’t match (vanilla vs. rough, gentle vs. intense)

• How libido changes throughout your menstrual cycle — and what to expect in each phase

• Whether swelling of the labia or clitoris after sex is normal

• Why “finishing at the same time” is so rare — and how to create more synced-up moments

• Practical ideas for bringing your partner into growth without pressure, shame, or lectures

If you’ve ever felt confused, insecure, or alone with your questions, we hope this episode feels like a deep exhale. You deserve answers that make you feel seen, understood, and empowered in your sex life.

❤️ Ready to reconnect?

Take our free Intimacy Quiz to uncover what’s missing (and how to get it back).

Discover your intimacy type and get personalized tools to help you communicate better, desire more, and feel closer than ever.

👉 Take the quiz now and unlock your results: https://vmtherapy.com/5keys

Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

⏱️ TIMESTAMPS

00:00 — Intro

02:15 — Why do women often have to learn how to 0 with a partner?

20:03 — “My husband stopped initiating… how do we repair that?”

28:03 — Resentment in relationships (and what to do about it)

29:38 — Different secs styles: vanilla vs. rough — how to navigate the mismatch

42:05 — Desire + your menstrual phase (what’s actually normal)

46:42 — Is it normal to get swollen “down there”?

48:19 — How to finish at the same time

53:43 — Is it normal to feel uninterested after an 0?

56:15 — Can men feel when women 0 inside them?

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

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Having more sex isn’t actually about libido.

(We know — that’s what everyone thinks the issue is.)

In today’s episode, we’re breaking down what really gets in the way of wanting sex more often — and what you can do about it that doesn’t feel forced, pressured, or performative. We share the exact strategies we teach inside Deeper, all built around making connection feel easier, pleasure feel better, and intimacy feel more accessible in your day-to-day life.

Whether you’re feeling disconnected, overwhelmed, “too tired,” or stuck in a rut… there are clear, compassionate explanations for why sex feels harder right now — and genuinely doable steps to change that.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

• Why communication is the foundation for great sex

• How mental load obliterates desire (and what to do instead)

• The connection between emotional intimacy and physical intimacy

• How desire actually works — and why spontaneous desire is not the gold standard

• The pleasure–desire link (and why better sex = wanting more sex)

• What to try this week to create more connection and more turn-on

If you’re in a tough season, we hope this episode reminds you there’s nothing wrong with you or your relationship. There’s always a path back to connection, closeness, and pleasure.

Links & Resources

🔥 The Ultimate Foreplay Guides

It’s time to stop guessing and start feeling confident in your technique! These guides show you exactly how to use your hands and mouth on your partner in ways that will BLOW. THEIR. MIND.

👉 https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay

✨ The Ultimate Sex Guide

Over forty tastefully illustrated sex positions with detailed, step-by-step instructions on how to get into, out of, and move in each position. Get ready for toe-curling, bedsheet-gripping, heart-opening experiences for BOTH of you!

👉 http://vmtherapy.com/ultimatesex

❤️ Ready to reconnect? Take our free Intimacy Quiz to uncover what’s missing (and how to get it back).

Discover your intimacy type and get personalized tools to help you communicate better, desire more, and feel closer than ever.

👉 Take the quiz now and unlock your results: https://vmtherapy.com/5keys

Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks OneSkin. Get 15% off OneSkin with the code PILLOW. ➡︎https://www.oneskin.co/pillow

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It’s the season of gratitude, family time… and figuring out how to have sex quietly. 😅

This Thanksgiving, we’re throwing it back to one of our most iconic early episodes — all about having sex when other people are around. Whether you’re hosting the in-laws, crashing at your parents’ place, or sharing a wall with your roommates, this one’s for you.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

• Whether it’s actually okay to have sex when you have guests (or you’re the guest).

• Our best stealth-mode tips for keeping things quiet and respectful.

• The most common mistakes couples make when trying to sneak one in.

• How to manage the stress and guilt that come with “guest sex.”

• Bonus: hilarious, cringe-worthy stories from our Instagram community that prove you are definitely not alone.

If you’ve ever had to choose between your sex life and your sanity during the holidays… consider this your survival guide. 🦃

Go deeper💞

Want to know exactly what’s keeping you and your partner stuck (and how to fix it)? Take our free Intimacy Quiz to discover your intimacy type and get a personalized roadmap to better connection, communication, and pleasure inside our membership, Deeper.

👉 Take the quiz now and unlock your results: https://vmtherapy.com/5keys

Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Wild Alaskan. Get $35 off your first box of wild-caught, sustainable seafood—delivered right to your door. ➡︎https://www.wildalaskan.com/PILLOW

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👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Give the gift of comfort that lasts beyond the holidays. “This weekend only! From Thanksgiving Day through Cyber Monday, get 40% off with code PILLOWTALKS. It’s the best deal of the year! ➡︎https://cozyearth.com

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What if the biggest barrier to intimacy in your relationship isn’t stress, exhaustion, or mismatched libidos… but your phone?

In this week’s episode, we’re trying something that might feel a little controversial (and honestly, uncomfortable): no screens before sex.

Yep — for seven days, we challenged ourselves to put down the devices before any kind of intimacy, whether that meant sex, cuddling, or even a deep conversation. And let’s just say… it revealed a lot about how much tech gets in the way of connection.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

• The surprising ways phone use impacts intimacy (and resentment)

• What couples told us about their biggest “phone fights”

• Our rules for a 7-day tech detox (and how to adapt if you have kids)

• What happened when we actually followed them

• How to create healthier phone boundaries — without starting a fight

If you’ve ever caught yourself scrolling mid-conversation or noticed your partner reaching for their phone after sex, this one’s for you.

Because here’s the truth: your relationship with your phone might be hurting your relationship with each other way more than you think.

Ready to reconnect?

Take our free Intimacy Quiz to uncover what’s missing (and how to get it back).

Discover your intimacy type and get personalized tools to help you communicate better, desire more, and feel closer than ever.

👉 Take the quiz now and unlock your results: https://vmtherapy.com/5keys

Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This week we’re bringing back one of our favorite games, Tie-Breakers!

You sent in the recurring arguments that pop up again and again in your relationship — the ones that never seem to die no matter how many times you talk about them — and now we’re stepping in to make the final call.

From sharing phone passwords to whether it’s really that big of a deal to be 5–10 minutes late, we’re tackling the everyday debates that drive couples just a little bit nuts.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

• The difference between boundaries and control especially when it comes to what your partner wears.

• Why couples fight about tiny habits (like dishes or unpacking) and what those arguments really mean.

• How to handle when one partner wants more privacy and the other wants full transparency.

• What your “clean-up style” says about how you handle responsibility in bed and in life.

• The psychology behind “small stuff” fights and how to stop them from snowballing.

• Plus, the ultimate showdown on period sex, post-oral kissing, and who should drive. 😏

If you and your partner love to debate, this one’s for you — equal parts funny, spicy, and “oh my god, that’s us.”

Go deeper

Want to know exactly what’s keeping you and your partner stuck (and how to fix it)? Take our free Intimacy Quiz to discover your intimacy type and get a personalized roadmap to better connection, communication, and pleasure inside our membership, Deeper.

👉 Take the quiz now and unlock your results: https://vmtherapy.com/5keys

💞Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Nature's Sunshine. Use the code PILLOW at check out to get 20% off your first order plus free shipping ➡︎https://www.naturessunshine.com 👏Thanks Chewy. Send your pet’s wish to and it might become a reality. Plus, your wish means Chewy will donate 5 meals to pets in need. ➡︎https://Chewy.com/ChewyClaus

👏Thanks HungryRoot. For a limited time, use code PILLOW to get 40% off your first box PLUS get a free item in every box for life. ➡︎http://hungryroot.com/pillow

👏Thanks Cure. Use code PILLOW for 20% off your first order ➡︎http://curehydration.com/pillow

Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Whether you’ve been with us from the start or just found the podcast, this episode is basically a cheat sheet for a better sex life.

We pulled together the best of the best from hundreds of episodes — the tips, tools, and “aha” moments that have completely transformed our community’s sex lives. From the rule that saved our date nights to the mindset shifts that made intimacy feel easy again, we’re revisiting the advice that started it all.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

• Why the “F*** First Rule” might be the simplest way to rekindle connection.

• What the Bristle Reaction really means and how to retrain your body to want touch again.

• How to figure out your desire type (and why that might finally solve your mismatched libido issue).

• The sneaky reason your sex life might feel “meh” and how to make it worth craving again.

• Honorable mentions like the First Pancake Rule, scheduling sex, and other hot takes we might just turn into full episodes soon. 👀

If you’ve ever thought, “Where do I even start?” when it comes to improving your sex life… start here.

Go deeper 💞 Want to know exactly what’s keeping you and your partner stuck (and how to fix it)? Take our free Intimacy Quiz to discover your intimacy type and get a personalized roadmap to better connection, communication, and pleasure inside our membership, Deeper.

👉 Take the quiz now and unlock your results: https://vmtherapy.com/5keys

Stay connected 📸 Follow us on Instagram → instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — real talk, expert tips, and zero shame → https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you get your podcasts!

TIMESTAMPS

00:00 - Intro

04:05 F*ck First Rule

18:42 Bristle Reaction

26:03 We make out every night

32:42 Two Types of Desire

40:15 Emotional Physical Conundrum

50:00 Mushy Broccoli Problem

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THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

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This week’s episode is a little spooky, a little silly, and a whole lot of sexy.

Since Halloween is tomorrow, we’re bringing you a “Trick or Treat: Smash or Pass” edition of Pillow Talks. We’re running through a list of playful, sometimes weird, and definitely conversation-starting ideas for you and your partner to try in the bedroom (or… maybe not).

From holding water in your mouth during a BJ to wrapping your partner up like a mummy to switching positions every 60 seconds like it’s a HIIT workout… nothing is off-limits in this one.

Some ideas are pure gold, some are questionable at best, and a few? Let’s just say they’re better left in the graveyard of “good intentions.”

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

• The spookiest sex trends we’ve ever been dared to try

• Which ones are worth a “smash” and which deserve a hard “pass”

• Why experimentation keeps things exciting — even if it’s a total fail

• How to decide what’s a hard pass vs. worth a try

• Why laughter and curiosity are the sexiest ingredients of all

• A few ideas that might just become your new Halloween tradition

If your sex life could use a little more fun (and a few more giggles), this one’s your invitation to play.

🔥 Ready to learn new moves that actually work? Skip the spooky stuff and get straight to the good stuff inside The Ultimate Sex Guide, our fan-favorite resource that’ll help you feel confident, connected, and completely in control in the bedroom.

You’ll get:

• Expert-backed techniques for better pleasure (solo and together)

• Real-life tips to improve communication and confidence

• Step-by-step guides to explore what really turns you on

👉 Grab The Ultimate Sex Guide and unlock your hottest tricks yet! http://vmtherapy.com/ultimate

🎧 Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly emails with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and a few good laughs → http://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods.

========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Wild Alaskan. Get $35 off your first box of premium, wild-caught seafood. Get seafood you can trust. ➡︎https://wildalaskan.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Use code PILLOWTALKS to get up to 20% off. And if you get a Post-Purchase Survey, make sure to let them know you heard about Cozy Earth right here!➡︎https://cozyearth.com 👏Thanks Masterclass. Our listeners get an additional 15% off any annual membership. ➡︎https://masterclass.com/pillow

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We’ve always promised to keep things real with you — the good, the messy, and everything in between.

And lately… life has been life-ing.

In this episode, we’re opening up about what’s been going on behind the scenes — especially with Vanessa’s dad’s health — and how we’ve been navigating this season both personally and as a couple.

We’ll talk about what’s next for our family, the emotional rollercoaster of managing grief while still finding moments of joy, and what it looks like to prioritize self-care, connection, and even intimacy when life feels really heavy.

💛 In this episode, you’ll hear:

• An honest update on Vanessa’s dad’s health and how our family is handling it

• The self-care practices helping me stay grounded (and sometimes just get through the day)

• What’s been helping us stay connected as a couple during stressful times

• The reality of sex and intimacy when you’re grieving or emotionally exhausted

• Why joy still matters, even when things are hard

If you’re in a tough season too, this one’s for you. You’re not alone. 💛

🔥 Ready to feel more connected, supported, and understood in your relationship?

Inside Deeper, our membership for couples, we help you keep growing together — even when life gets complicated.

You’ll get access to expert-led guides, monthly live calls, and our favorite prompts and challenges to help you communicate, connect, and feel close again.

👉 Join Deeper today and start building the kind of relationship that can handle anything. https://vmtherapy.com/deeper

🎧 Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly emails with behind-the-scenes stories, tips, and a few good laughs → http://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods.

========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Blissy. Get better sleep, hair and skin with Blissy and use PILLOWPOD to get an additional 30% off. ➡︎https://blissy.com/pillowpod 👏Thanks Remi. Use code PILLOW  at checkout for 50% off. ➡︎https://shopremi.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks ZocDoc. Stop putting off those doctors appointments and instantly book a top-rated doctor today. ➡︎https://Zocdoc.com/PILLOW 👏Thanks SKIMS. Shop SKIMS Fits Everybody collection. After you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you! Select "podcast" in the survey and be sure to select our show in the dropdown menu that follows. ➡︎https://www.skims.com/pillow

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Let’s talk about oral.

We’ve all had those moments where oral feels way more awkward than arousing. You’re lying there, overthinking everything: Do I smell weird? What do I do with my hands? Is my partner secretly counting down the seconds until it’s over?

Sound familiar? Yeah… you’re definitely not alone.

In this episode, we’re getting into the real, raw, and sometimes ridiculous reasons people struggle to fully relax and enjoy oral. We asked our community to spill their biggest insecurities, and let’s just say… you all delivered. From “I can’t stay present” to “I feel bad making him do it when I haven’t shaved,” nothing’s off-limits today.

We’ll break down what’s actually going on behind those thoughts, and share practical, shame-free ways to feel more confident, connected, and turned on.

💋 Here’s what we’re diving into:

• The top 3 reasons people can’t relax during oral (and how to fix them).

• Why it’s okay if you don’t orgasm every time — seriously.

• How to ask for what you like without killing the vibe.

• What to do when your brain won’t stop screaming, “am I doing this right?!”

• And a few of our favorite “oral attitude adjustments.”

Part real talk, part sex-ed, and part pep talk from your favorite couple who’s been there, done that… and yes, talked about it on a podcast. If you’ve ever been stuck in your head, overthinking, or trying to do it “right”… listen in… because you deserve oral to feel good. Like really good. 😘

🔥 Wanna take this week’s episode to the next level?

Then it’s time to join The Ultimate Foreplay Experience. Our brand-new 4-week challenge that turns the Ultimate Foreplay Guides into a spicy, step-by-step adventure.

Each week, you’ll tackle a new theme — fingering, hand jobs, oral, and blow jobs — with flirty assignments, trackable checklists, and a “Heat Map” to rate your favorite moves.

It’s everything you need to turn “eh, same old routine” into “holy sht, that was incredible.”*

Get in on the challenge by grabbing the Ultimate Foreplay Guides before October 23rd → https://vmtherapy.com/foreplay

🎧 Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram → https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — full of behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and way too many sex puns → http://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to podcasts!

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Audible Romance. Your first great love story is free when you sign up for a free 30-day trial ➡︎https://Audible.com/pillow

👏Thanks HungryRoot. For a limited time, use code PILLOW to get 40% off your first box PLUS get a free item in every box for life. ➡︎http://hungryroot.com/pillow

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Every week on Instagram, we host “Ask Us Anything” sessions. And honestly? We get way more questions than we could ever answer in stories.

So today, we’re bringing some of those unanswered Qs straight to the podcast to give you deeper answers, real stories, and the honest, judgment-free advice you’ve been waiting for.

Get ready, because we’re tackling some of your biggest, wildest curiosities about sex, intimacy, and relationships.

💛 Here’s what we’re getting into:

• Why some guys are so into swallowing (and what it really means).

• When “lasting too long” in bed becomes its own problem.

• How to tell your new partner about things you liked with an ex.

• What to do when you can’t seem to drop a fetish.

• Healing steps for survivors of sexual trauma who want a healthy sex life.

• What happens when you both want the other person to initiate.

And that’s just the beginning — this episode is packed with your real questions and our no-BS answers.

🔗 Links & Resources

• Ready to uncover your unique intimacy blueprint? Take our free Intimacy Quiz and learn the key that drives your connection: 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/5keys

• Treat your partner to the best foreplay they’ve ever had 👉🏻The Ultimate Foreplay Guides http://vmtherapy.com/foreplay

• Learn how to initiate with confidence 👉🏻The Art of Initiation https://vmtherapy.com/initiation

• Unlock expert tools, our core course library, and more inside our membership 👉🏻 Deeper https://vmtherapy.com/deeper

🎧 Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ **https://instagram.com/vanessaandxander**

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and plenty of flirty fun.

Sign up here 👉 https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods.

Timestamps 

00:00 – Intro

03:00 – Why are guys so into swallowing?

11:04 – My partner lasts too long in bed

22:47 – How do I bring up things an ex used to do to me with my partner?

30:54 – Scheduling sex feels awkward—how do I get over that?

39:52 – How to get over a fetish

47:30 – How to reassure your partner with ED

56:19 – How SA survivors can have a great sex life

58:31 – What to do if we both want the other partner to initiate

==========================

THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS

==========================

👏Thanks Audible Romance. Your first great love story is free when you sign up for a free 30-day trial ➡︎https://Audible.com/pillow

👏Thanks Cure. Use code PILLOW for 20% off your first order ➡︎http://curehydration.com/pillow

👏Thanks Cozy Earth. Use code PILLOWTALKS for up to 20% off! And if you get a Post-Purchase Survey, make sure to let them know you heard about Cozy Earth right here!. ➡︎https://cozyearth.com

👏Thanks OneSkin. Get 15% off OneSkin with the code PILLOW ➡︎https://oneskin.co/HAIR

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You’ve been there: the dreaded text fight.

One message gets misread, emotions spike, and suddenly you’re both typing paragraphs instead of actually talking.

In this episode, we’re breaking down a real-life text fight between a couple navigating mismatched sex drives, rejection, and the heavy mental load of parenting. You’ll hear the raw back-and-forth and get our thoughts on what worked, what didn’t, and how to move these conversations toward connection instead of conflict.

💛 In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why so many couples end up fighting about sex over text (and why it almost never goes well).

• Why text is the worst place to argue (and how to get out of the spiral).

• The hidden emotional needs behind “yes” and “no.”

• How to express hurt feelings without slipping into blame.

• How to validate your partner without abandoning your own boundaries.

• Communication tips that will help you feel heard and understood — even in the heat of the moment.

If you’ve ever found yourself stuck in a text fight with your partner, this one’s for you.

👉 Ready to uncover your unique intimacy blueprint? Take our free Intimacy Quiz and learn the key that drives your connection: 👉🏻 https://vmtherapy.com/5keys

🎧 Stay connected

📸 Follow us on Instagram ➡️ @vanessaandxander

💌 Get our weekly email — with behind-the-scenes stories, expert tips, and plenty of sex puns. Sign up here 👉 https://vmtherapy.com/subscribe

🎧 Never miss an episode! Subscribe to Pillow Talks wherever you listen to pods.

========================== THANKS TO OUR SPONSORS ========================== 👏Thanks Nature's Sunshine. Use the code PILLOW at check out to get 20% off your first order plus free shipping ➡︎https://www.naturessunshine.com 👏Thanks Wild Alaskan. Get $35 off your first box of wild-caught, sustainable seafood—delivered right to your door. ➡︎https://www.wildalaskan.com/pillow 👏Thanks Chewy. Chewy has everything you need to keep your pet happy and healthy. And right now you can save $20 on your first order and get free shipping. ➡︎https://chewpanions.chewy.com/vanessandxander 👏Thanks Remi. Use code PILLOW  at checkout for 50% off. ➡︎https://shopremi.com/PILLOW

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